That unhappiness, indeed, depended for its value in my eyes cause that produced it but one source whence it could flow nameless ecstasy thrilled through my frame when any new proof occurred ambiguousness behavior cause

IV

My brother had received new book from Germany tragedy, first attempt of Saxon poet of whom my brother taught to entertain the highest expectations The exploits of Zisca, the Bohemian hero, were woven into dramatic series and connection According to German custom, minute and diffuse, and dictated by an adventurous and lawless fancy chain of audacious acts and unheard-of disasters The moated fortress thicket, the ambush battle, conflict of headlong passions, were portrayed in wild numbers and with terrific energy An afternoon was set apart to rehearse this performance The language was familiar to all of us but Carwin, whose company, therefore, was tacitly dispensed with

The morning previous intended rehearsal I spent at home My mind was occupied with reflections relative to my own situation The sentiment which lived with chief energy in my heart was connected image of Pleyel midst anguish, I destitute of consolation His late deportment had given spring to my hopes Was not the hour at hand which should render me the happiest of human creatures ? He suspected that I looked with favorable eyes upon Carwin Hence arose disquietudes which he struggled in vain to conceal He loved me, but was hopeless that his love compensated not time, said I, to rectify this error ? But by what means effected ? It can only by change of deportment in me; but how must I demean myself purpose ?

not speak Neither eyes nor lips must impart the information not be assured that my heart is his, previous tender own; but convinced given to another; supplied with space whereon to build doubt true state affections; prompted to avow himself The line of delicate propriety,--how hard short, and not to overleap it !

This afternoon meet . . separate till late his province to accompany me home The airy expanse is without speck This breeze is usually steadfast, and its promise of bland and cloudless evening trusted The moon will rise at eleven, and hour wind bank Possibly that hour may decide my fate If suitable encouragement be given, Pleyel will reveal his soul ; and I, ere I reach this threshold, made the happiest of beings

And good mine ? Add wings to thy speed, sweet evening; and thou, moon, I charge thee, shroud thy beams moment when my Pleyel whispers love world burning blushes mounting raptures moment visible

But what encouragement is wanting ? regardful of insurmountable limits Yet, when minds are imbued with genuine sympathy, words and looks superfluous ? motion and touch sufficient to impart feelings such as mine ? Has he not eyed me at moments pressure hand has thrown me into tumults, and impossible that he mistook the impetuosities of love eloquence of indignation ?

But the hastening evening will decide Would it were come ! And yet I shudder at its near approach An interview thus terminate is surely wished for by me; and yet without its terrors Would to heaven it were come and gone !

no reluctance, my friends, thus explicit Time was, when these emotions hidden with immeasurable solicitude from every human eye Alas ! these airy and fleeting impulses of shame are gone My scruples were preposterous and criminal bred in all hearts by perverse and vicious education, and still have maintained their place in my heart, my portion been set in misery My errors have taught me thus much wisdom:-- sentiments which we ought not to disclose criminal to harbor

proposed the rehearsal at four o'clock I counted the minutes passed; their flight was at once too rapid and too slow: my sensations were of an excruciating kind; taste no food, nor apply to any task, nor enjoy moment's repose; hour arrived I hastened to my brother's

Pleyel was not there He yet come On ordinary occasions eminent for punctuality He had testified great eagerness to share pleasures rehearsal to divide the task with my brother, and in tasks like these he always engaged with peculiar zeal His elocution was less sweet than sonorous, and, therefore, better adapted mellifluences friend outrageous vehemence drama

What could detain him ? Perhaps he lingered through forgetfulness Yet incredible Never had his memory been known to fail upon even more trivial occasions Not less impossible scheme had lost its attractions, he stayed because his coming would afford him no gratification But why should we expect him to adhere minute ?

half-hour elapsed, but Pleyel was still at distance Perhaps he had misunderstood the hour which proposed Perhaps he had conceived that to-morrow, and not to-day, selected purpose; but no review of preceding circumstances demonstrated that such misapprehension was impossible; for he had himself proposed this day, and this hour This day his attention otherwise be occupied; but to-morrow an indispensable engagement was foreseen, all his time engrossed; his detention, therefore, owing to some unforeseen and extraordinary event Our conjectures were vague, tumultuous, and sometimes fearful His sickness death might possibly have detained him

Tortured with suspense, we sat gazing at , and path which led road Every horseman that passed was, for moment, imagined him Hour succeeded hour, sun, gradually declining, disappeared Every signal coming proved fallacious, hopes were dismissed His absence affected my friends in no insupportable degree They obliged, they said, to defer this undertaking till the morrow; and perhaps their impatient curiosity would compel them to dispense entirely presence some harmless occurrence had diverted him purpose; trusted should receive satisfactory account of him morning

It supposed disappointment affected me in very different manner I turned aside my head to conceal my tears I fled into solitude, vent to my reproaches without interruption or restraint My heart was ready to burst with indignation and grief Pleyel was not the only object keen but unjust upbraiding Deeply did I execrate my own folly Thus fallen into ruins gay fabric which I had reared ! Thus had my golden vision melted into air !

How fondly did I dream that Pleyel was lover ! If he were, would he have suffered any obstacle to hinder his coming ? "Blind and infatuated man ! " I exclaimed "Thou sportest with happiness The good offered thee thou hast the insolence and folly to refuse Well, henceforth intrust my felicity to no one's keeping but my own "

The first agonies disappointment allow me reasonable or just Every ground I had built the persuasion that Pleyel was not unimpressed in my favor appeared to vanish It seemed I misled opinion most palpable illusions

some trifling excuse, and returned, much earlier than I expected, to my own house I retired early to my chamber, without designing to sleep I placed myself at window, and gave the reins to reflection

The hateful and degrading impulses which had lately controlled me were, in some degree, removed New dejection succeeded, but was now produced by contemplating my late behavior Surely that passion is worthy abhorred which obscures our understanding and urges us commission of injustice What right had I to expect his attendance ? Had I not demeaned myself like one indifferent happiness, and as having bestowed my regards upon another ? His absence prompted love which I considered his absence as proof that not because the sight of me, the spectacle coldness or aversion, contributed despair Why should I prolong, by hypocrisy or silence, his misery as my own ? deal explicitly, and assure him truth ?

hardly believe that, in obedience suggestion, I rose of ordering light, that instantly make this confession in letter second thought showed me the rashness scheme, and I wondered by what infirmity of mind betrayed into momentary approbation of it utmost clearness that confession like the most remediless and unpardonable outrage dignity sex, and utterly unworthy passion which controlled me