The Little Frenchman and_his Water Lots

by George Pope Morris (1802-1864)

[ from_the Little Frenchman and_his Water Lots, with Other Sketches of_the Times (1839), by George Pope Morris .]

Look into those they call unfortunate, And, closer view'd, you'll find they_are unwise .--_Young .

Let wealth come in by comely thrift, And not by any foolish shift: 'Tis haste Makes waste: Who gripes too hard the dry and slippery sand Holds none at all, or little, in_his hand .--_Herrick .

Let well alone .--_Proverb .

how_much real comfort every_one might enjoy if he_would_be contented with_the lot in_which heaven has cast him, and how_much trouble would_be avoided if people would only "let well alone ." amoderate independence, quietly and honestly procured, is certainly every way preferable even to immense possessions achieved by_the wear and tear of mind and body so necessary to procure them .Yet there_are very few individuals, let them be doing ever so_well in_the_world, who_are_not always straining every nerve to_do better; and this_is one_of_the many causes why failures in business so frequently occur among us .The present generation seem unwilling to "realize" by slow and sure degrees; but choose rather to set their whole hopes upon asingle cast, which either makes or mars them forever !

Gentle reader, do_you remember Monsieur Poopoo ? He used to_keep asmall toy-store in Chatham, near the corner of Pearl Street . you_must recollect him, of_course .He lived there for many years, and was one_of_the_most polite and accommodating of shopkeepers .When ajuvenile, you_have bought tops and marbles of him athousand times . to_be_sure you_have; and seen his vinegar-visage lighted up with asmile as_you flung him the coppers; and you_have laughed at his little straight queue and_his dimity breeches, and all the other oddities that made up the every-day apparel of_my little Frenchman .Ah, I perceive you recollect him now .

Well, then, there lived Monsieur Poopoo ever_since he_came from "dear, delightful Paris," as he_was wont to_call the city of_his nativity--there he_took in_the pennies for_his kickshaws--there he laid aside five thousand dollars against arainy day--there he_was as happy as alark--and there, in all human probability, he would_have_been to_this very day, arespected and substantial citizen, had he been willing to "let well alone ." But Monsieur Poopoo had heard strange stories about_the prodigious rise in real estate; and, having understood that most of_his neighbors had become suddenly rich by speculating in lots, he instantly grew dissatisfied with_his own lot, forthwith determined to shut up shop, turn everything into cash, and set about making money in right-down earnest .No sooner said than done; and_our quondam storekeeper a few_days afterward attended an extensive sale of real estate, at_the Merchants' Exchange .

there_was the auctioneer, with_his beautiful and inviting lithographic maps--all the lots as smooth and square and enticingly laid out as possible--and there were the speculators--and there, in_the midst of_them, stood Monsieur Poopoo .

"Here they_are, gentlemen," said he of_the hammer, "the most valuable lots ever offered for sale . give_me abid for_them ! "

"One hundred each," said abystander .

"One hundred ! " said the auctioneer, "scarcely enough to_pay for_the maps .One hundred--going--and fifty--gone ! Mr H ., they_are yours .anoble purchase .You'll sell those same lots in less_than afortnight for fifty thousand dollars profit ! "

Monsieur Poopoo pricked up his ears at_this, and was lost in astonishment . this_was amuch easier way certainly of accumulating riches than selling toys in Chatham Street, and he determined to_buy and mend his fortune without delay .

The auctioneer proceeded in_his sale .Other parcels were offered and disposed of, and all the purchasers were promised immense advantages for their enterprise .At last came amore valuable parcel than all the rest .The company pressed around the stand, and Monsieur Poopoo did the same .

"I now offer you, gentlemen, these magnificent lots, delightfully situated on Long Island, with valuable water privileges .Property in fee--title indisputable--terms of sale, cash--deeds ready for delivery immediately after_the sale . how_much for_them ? Give them astart at something . how_much ? " The auctioneer looked around; there were no bidders .At last he caught the eye of Monsieur Poopoo ."Did you say one hundred, sir ? Beautiful lots--valuable water privileges--shall I_say one hundred for_you ? "

"_Oui, monsieur_; i_will give_you von hundred dollar apiece, for de lot vid de valuarble vatare privalege; c'est ca ."

" only_one hundred apiece for_these sixty valuable lots-- only_one hundred--going--going--going--gone ! "

Monsieur Poopoo was_the fortunate possessor .The auctioneer congratulated him--the sale closed-- and_the company dispersed .

"_Pardonnez-moi, monsieur_," said Poopoo, as_the auctioneer descended his pedestal, "you shall excusez-moi_, if I_shall go to votre bureau_, your counting-house, ver quick to_make every ting sure wid respec to de lot vid de valuarble vatare privalege .Von leetle bird in de hand he vorth two in de tree, c'est vrai_--eh ? "

"Certainly, sir ."

"Vell den, allons ."

and_the gentlemen repaired to_the counting-house, where the six thousand dollars were paid, and_the deeds of_the property delivered .Monsieur Poopoo put these carefully in_his pocket, and as he_was about taking his leave, the auctioneer made him apresent of_the lithographic outline of_the lots, which_was avery liberal thing on_his part, considering the map was abeautiful specimen of_that glorious art .Poopoo could_not admire it sufficiently .There were his sixty lots, as uniform as possible, and_his little gray eyes sparkled like diamonds as_they wandered from one end of_the spacious sheet to_the other .

Poopoo's heart was as light as afeather, and he snapped his fingers in_the very wantonness of joy as he repaired to Delmonico's, and ordered the first good French dinner that had gladdened his palate since his arrival in America .

After having discussed his repast, and washed it down with abottle of choice old claret, he resolved upon avisit to Long Island to view his purchase .He consequently immediately hired ahorse and gig, crossed the Brooklyn ferry, and drove along the margin of_the river to_the Wallabout, the location in_question .

Our friend, however, was not alittle perplexed to_find his property .Everything on_the map was as fair and even as possible, while all the grounds about him were as undulated as they_could well be imagined, and there_was an elbow of_the East River thrusting itself quite into_the ribs of_the land, which seemed to_have no business there .This puzzled the Frenchman exceedingly; and, being astranger in those parts, he_called to afarmer in an adjacent field .

"_Mon ami_, are_you acquaint vid dis part of de country--eh ? "

"Yes, i_was born here, and know every inch of it ."

"Ah, c'est bien_, dat vill do," and_the Frenchman got out_of_the gig, tied the horse, and produced his lithographic map .

"Den maybe you vill have de kindness to show me de sixty lot vich I_have bought, vid de valuarble vatare privalege ? "

The farmer glanced his eye over the paper .

"Yes, sir, with pleasure; if_you_will_be good enough to_get into my boat, i_will row you out to_them ! "

"Vat dat you say, sure ? "

"My friend," said the farmer, "this section of Long Island has recently been bought up by_the speculators of New York, and laid out for agreat city; but the principal street is only visible at low tide . when_this part of_the East River is filled up, it_will_be just there .Your lots, as_you_will perceive, are beyond it; and_are now all under water ."

At first the Frenchman was incredulous . he_could_not believe his senses . as_the facts, however, gradually broke upon him, he shut one eye, squinted obliquely at_the heavens---the river--the farmer--and then he turned away and squinted at them all over again ! there_was his purchase sure enough; but then it could_not_be perceived for there_was ariver flowing over it ! He drew abox from_his waistcoat pocket, opened it, with an emphatic knock upon_the lid, took apinch of snuff and restored it to_his waistcoat pocket as before .Poopoo was evidently in trouble, having "thoughts which often lie too deep for tears"; and, as his grief was also too big for words, he untied his horse, jumped into his gig, and returned to_the auctioneer in hot haste .

it_was near night when he arrived at_the auction-room--his horse in afoam and himself in afury .The auctioneer was leaning back in_his chair, with_his legs stuck out of alow window, quietly smoking acigar after_the labors of_the day, and humming the music from_the last new opera .

"Monsieur, I_have much plaisir to fin' you, chez vous_, at home ."

"Ah, Poopoo ! glad_to_see you .Take aseat, old boy ."

"But I_shall_not take de seat, sare ."

"No--why, what's the matter ? "

"Oh, beaucoup de matter . I_have_been to_see de gran lot vot you sell me to-day ."

"Well, sir, I_hope you like your purchase ? "

"No, monsieur, I no like him ."

"I'm sorry for_it; but there_is no ground for your complaint ."

"No, sare; dare is no ground at all--de ground is all vatare ! "

"You joke ! "

"I no joke .I nevare joke; je n'entends pas la raillerie_, Sare, _voulez-vous have de kindness to_give_me back de money vot I pay ! "

"Certainly not ."

"Den vill you be so good as to_take de East River off de top of_my lot ? "

"That's your business, sir, not mine ."

"Den I make von mauvaise affaire_--von gran mistake ! "

" I_hope not .I don't think you_have thrown your money away in_the _land ."

"No, sare; but I tro it avay in de vatare ! "

"That's not my fault ."

"Yes, sare, but it_is your fault .You're von ver gran rascal to swindle me out of de l'argent ."

"Hello, old Poopoo, you grow personal; and if_you_can't keep acivil tongue in your head, you_must go out of_my counting-room ."

"Vare shall I go to, eh ? "

" to_the devil, for aught I care, you foolish old Frenchman ! " said the auctioneer, waxing warm .

"But, sare, I vill not go to de devil to oblige you ! " replied the Frenchman, waxing warmer ."You sheat me out of all de dollar vot I make in Shatham Street; but I vill not go to de devil for all dat .I vish you_may go to de devil yourself you dem yankee-doo-dell, and I vill go and drown myself, tout de suite_, right avay ."

"You couldn't make abetter use of your water privileges, old boy ! "

"Ah, misericorde ! Ah, mon dieu, je suis abime . I_am ruin ! I_am done up ! I_am break all into ten sousan leetle pieces ! I_am von lame duck, and I_shall vaddle across de gran ocean for Paris, vish is de only valuarble vatare privalege dat is left me apresent ! "

Poor Poopoo was as good as his word .He sailed in_the next packet, and arrived in Paris almost as penniless as_the day he left it .

Should any_one feel disposed to doubt the veritable circumstances here recorded, let him cross the East River to_the Wallabout, and farmer J---- will row him out to_the very place where the poor Frenchman's lots still remain under water .