by Mark Twain

I get old and ponderously respectable, only me truly happy, and put Venerable Tone-Imparting committee city of New York, nothing but sit platform, solemn and imposing, along with Peter Cooper, Horace Greeley, etc , etc , and shed momentary fame at second hand on obscure lecturers, draw public attention to lectures which would otherwise clack eloquently to sounding emptiness, and subdue audiences into respectful hearing of all sorts of unpopular and outlandish dogmas and isms what cheer and gratification gray hairs Let me but sit up there with those fine relics Old Red Sandstone Period and give Tone to an intellectual entertainment twice week, and be so reported, and my happiness complete Those men my envy for long, And no memories life are so pleasant as my reminiscence long and honorable career Tone-imparting service recollect that first time I ever saw them platforms just as remember the events of yesterday Horace Greeley sat right, Peter Cooper left, and Thomas Jefferson, Red Jacket, Benjamin Franklin, and John Hancock sat 22d of December, 1799, occasion state' funeral of George Washington in New York great day, that--a great day, and very, very sad one I remember that Broadway was one mass of black crape from Castle Garden nearly where the City Hall now stands The these gentlemen officiate was at ball given of procuring money and medicines sick and wounded soldiers and sailors Horace Greeley occupied one side platform the musicians were exalted, and Peter Cooper the other There were other Tone-imparters attendant two chiefs, but forgotten their names now Horace Greeley, gray-haired and beaming, was in sailor costume--white duck pants, blue shirt, open breast, large neckerchief, loose as an ox-bow, and tied with jaunty sailor knot, broad turnover collar with star corner, shiny black little tarpaulin hat roosting daintily far back on head, and flying two gallant long ribbons Slippers on ample feet, round spectacles on benignant nose, and pitchfork in hand, completed Mr Greeley, and made him, in my boyish admiration, every inch sailor, and worthy the honored great-grandfather Neptune so ingeniously representing never forget him Mr Cooper was dressed as general of militia, and was dismally and oppressively warlike I neglected to remark, proper place, soldiers and sailors in whose aid the ball was given had just been sent in from Boston-- during the war of 1812 grand national reception of Lafayette, in 1824, Horace Greeley sat right and Peter Cooper left The other Tone-imparters day are sleeping the sleep just now audience when Horace Greeley Peter Cooper, and other chief citizens imparted tone great meetings in favor of French liberty, in 1848 Then I never saw them any more until here lately; but now that living tolerably near the city, I run down every time it announced that "Horace Greeley, Peter Cooper, and distinguished citizens will occupy seats platform;" and next morning, when first paragraph phonographic report that "Horace Greeley, Peter Cooper, and distinguished citizens occupied seats platform," to myself, "Thank God, present " Thus enabled these substantial old friends sit platform and give tone to lectures on anatomy, and lectures on agriculture, and lectures on stirpiculture, and lectures on astronomy, on chemistry, on miscegenation, on "Is Man Descended Kangaroo ? " on veterinary matters, on all kinds of religion, and several kinds of politics; seen them give tone and grandeur Four-legged Girl, the Siamese Twins, the Great Egyptian Sword Swallower, Old Original Jacobs Whenever somebody is to lecture on subject not of general interest, that my venerated Remains Old Red Sandstone Period platform; whenever lecturer is to appear whom nobody has heard of before, nor likely to seek , real benevolence old friends taken advantage of, platform (and bills) as an advertisement; and whenever any new and obnoxious deviltry in philosophy, morals, or politics sprung people, perfectly well intrepid old heroes platform too, interest of full and free discussion, and to crush down all narrower and less generous souls solid dead weight awful respectability all remember that while these inveterate and imperishable presiders ( please) appear platform every night year as regularly volunteered piano from Steinway's or Chickering's, bolstered up and given tone to deal of questionable merit and obscure emptiness in their time, also diversified this inconsequential service by occasional powerful uplifting and upholding of great progressive ideas which smaller men feared to meddle with or countenance