by Mark Twain

The latest report Spanish crown is, now be offered to Prince Alfonso, the second son King of Portugal, but five The Spaniards have hunted through all the nations of Europe for King They tried Portuguese person of Dom-Luis, an old ex-monarch; they tried an Italian, person of Victor Emanuel's young son, the Duke of Genoa; they tried Spaniard, person of Espartero, an octogenarian desired French Bourbon, Montpensier; Spanish Bourbon, the Prince of Asturias; an English prince, sons of Queen Victoria just tried the German Prince Leopold; but thought it better him up than take war along since we first suggested an American ruler offer them large number of able and experienced sovereigns to pick from--men skilled in statesmanship, versed science of government, and adepts in all the arts of administration--men wear the crown with dignity and rule the kingdom at reasonable expense

not the least danger of Napoleon threatening them take an American sovereign; , pleased to support such candidature unwilling to mention names--though man eye whom they had in theirs --New York Tribune

It but an ostentation of modesty to permit such pointed reference to myself unnoticed second time that 'The Tribune' ( sincerely looking best interests of Spain world at large) me the great and unusual honour to propose me as fit person the Spanish throne Why 'The Tribune' should single me out midst of dozen Americans of higher political prominence, is problem which solve Beyond somewhat intimate knowledge of Spanish history and profound veneration for its great names and illustrious deeds, that I possess no merit that should peculiarly recommend me royal distinction deny that Spanish history has always been mother's milk proud of every Spanish achievement, from Hernando Cortes's victory at Thermopylae down to Vasco Nunez de Balboa's discovery Atlantic ocean; and of every splendid Spanish name, from Don Quixote Duke of Wellington down to Don Caesar de Bazan However, these little graces of erudition are of small consequence, being more showy than serviceable

the Spanish sceptre is pressed upon me-- indications unquestionably are -- feel it necessary certain things set down and distinctly understood beforehand For instance: My salary paid quarterly in advance unsettled times do to trust If Isabella had adopted this plan, be roosting on her ancestral throne to-day, simple reason that her subjects never raised three months of royal salary in advance, and have discharged her until they had squared up with her My salary paid in gold; when greenbacks are fresh in country, too fluctuating My salary has got put ruling market rate; not going to cut under trade, and going to trail me long way from home and then practise on my ignorance and play me for royal North Adams Chinaman, by any means As I understand it, imported kings generally get five millions year and house-rent free Young George of Greece gets that revenues only yield two millions, he national note for considerable; but even with things sort of shape better fixed than in Denmark, where he had to eternally stand up because he had no throne to sit on, and had bail board, because royal apprentice gets no salary there while learning his trade England place Fifty thousand dollars year Great Britain pays on each royal child born, and increased from year to year child becomes more and more indispensable country Look at Prince Arthur At first he only got the usual birth-bounty; but now that he has got dance, simply no telling what wages he gets

to stipulate Spanish people wash more and endeavour along with less quarantine , Spain keeps her ports fast locked against foreign traffic three-fourths of each year, because one day scared cholera, next plague, and next the measles, next the hooping cough, the hives, rash ? but she mind leonine leprosy and elephantiasis any more than great and enlightened civilisation minds freckles Soap would soon remove her anxious distress about foreign distempers The reason arable land is so scarce in Spain is because the people squander of it on their persons, and then die improvidently buried

feel obliged to stipulate that Marshal Serrano be reduced rank of constable, or even roundsman no longer fit City Marshal man who refused king because too old and feeble, is ill qualified to help sick people station-house are armed and their form of delirium tremens is exuberant and demonstrative kind

also require that force be sent to chase the late Queen Isabella out of France Her presence there can work no advantage to Spain, and she made to move at once; though, poor thing, she chaste enough heretofore--for Spanish woman

also require that--