By Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

[ Atlantic Monthly_, January, 1861 Republished in Soundings Atlantic (1864), by Oliver Wendell Holmes, whose authorized publishers are the Houghton Mifflin Company ]

Having just returned from visit admirable Institution in company with friend Directors, we propose giving short account of what we saw and heard The great success Asylum for Idiots and Feeble-minded Youth, several scholars from reached considerable distinction, being connected with leading Daily Paper city, and others having served State and National Legislatures, motive which led foundation excellent charity Our late distinguished townsman, Noah Dow, Esquire, as is well known, bequeathed large portion fortune establishment-- "being thereto moved," as his will expressed it, " desire of _N Dowing some public Institution benefit of Mankind " Being consulted Rules Institution selection of Superintendent, he replied, that "all Boards must construct their own Platforms of operation Let them select anyhow and pleased " N E Howe, Esq , was chosen in compliance delicate suggestion

The Charter provides support of "One hundred aged and decayed Gentlemen-Punsters " On inquiry if there way no provision for _females_, my friend called my attention remarkable psychological fact, namely:

NO SUCH THING AS FEMALE PUNSTER

This remark struck me forcibly, and on reflection that I never knew nor heard of one_, though heard woman make single detached pun, as known hen to crow

On arriving south gate Asylum grounds, about to ring, but my friend held my arm and begged me to rap with my stick, which An old man with very comical face presently opened the gate and put out his head

"So you prefer Cane to bell_, ? " --and began chuckling and coughing at great rate

My friend winked at me

"You're here still, Old Joe, ," old man

"Yes, yes--and it's very odd, considering how often I've bolted_, nights "

He then threw open the double gates to ride through

"Now," said the old man, as he pulled the gates after us, "you've had long journey "

"Why, how , Old Joe ? " said my friend

"Don't ? " he answered; "there's the East hinges one side gate, and there's the West hinges on t'other side--haw ! haw ! haw ! "

We had no sooner got yard than feeble little gentleman, with remarkably bright eye, came up , looking very serious, something had happened

"The town has entered complaint against the Asylum as gambling establishment," to my friend, the Director

"What ? " said my friend

"Why, they complain that there's lot o' rye premises," he answered, pointing to field grain--and hobbled away, his shoulders shaking with laughter, as he went

On entering the main building, we saw the Rules and Regulations Asylum conspicuously posted up few extracts interesting:

SECT I OF VERBAL EXERCISES

5 Each Inmate shall be permitted Puns freely from eight morning until ten at night, except during Service Chapel and Grace before Meals

6 At ten o'clock the gas turned off, and no further Puns, Conundrums, or other play on words allowed uttered, or uttered aloud

9 Inmates lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns shall be permitted to repeat such as selected Chaplain work of Mr Joseph Miller

10 Violent and unmanageable Punsters, who interrupt others when engaged in conversation, with Puns or attempts same, shall be deprived Joseph Millers_, and, if necessary, placed in solitary confinement

SECT III OF DEPORTMENT AT MEALS

4 No Inmate shall make any Pun, or attempt same, until the Blessing asked company are decently seated

7 Certain Puns having been placed Index Expurgatorius Institution, no Inmate shall be allowed to utter them, on pain of being debarred the perusal of Punch and Vanity Fair_, and, if repeated, deprived Joseph Miller

are the following:

Allusions to Attic salt_, when asked the salt-cellar

Remarks Inmates being mustered_, etc , etc

Associating baked beans bene_-factors Institution

Saying that beef-eating is befitting_, etc , etc

The following are also prohibited, excepting to such Inmates as lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns own:

"----your own hair or wig"; " long enough_," etc , etc ; "little age," etc , etc ; also, playing following words: hos_pital; mayor_; pun_; pitied_; bread_; _sauce_, etc , etc , etc See INDEX EXPURGATORIUS, printed for use of Inmates

The subjoined Conundrum allowed: Why is Hasty Pudding like the Prince ? Because it comes attended by its sweet_; nor this variation , to wit_: Because the 'lasses runs after it

The Superintendent, who went round , noted punster time, and well known , but lost his customers by making too free with their names--as famous story he set afloat in '29 of four Jerries attaching names of noted Judge, an eminent Lawyer, the Secretary Board of Foreign Missions, well-known Landlord at Springfield four Jerries_, he added, was of gigantic magnitude The play on words was brought out by an accidental remark of Solomons, the well-known Banker "_Capital punishment ! " the Jew was overheard saying, with reference guilty parties understood, as saying, capital pun is meant_, which led to an investigation relief greatly excited public mind

The Superintendent showed some old tendencies, as he went round

" "--he broke out all at once--"why they don't take steppes in Tartary for establishing Insane Hospitals ? "

We both confessed ignorance

"Because nomad people found there," , with dignified smile

He proceeded to introduce us to different Inmates The first was middle-aged, scholarly man, who was seated at table with _Webster's Dictionary and sheet of paper before him

"Well, what luck to-day, Mr Mowzer ? " said the Superintendent

"Three or four only," said Mr Mowzer " hear 'em now--now I'm here ? "

We all nodded

"Don't Webster ers words cent_er and theat_er ?

"If he spells leather lether_, and feather fether_, isn't there danger that he'll bad spell of weather ?

"Besides, Webster is resurrectionist; allow u to rest quietly mould

"And again, because Mr Worcester inserts an illustration text, any reason why Mr Webster's publishers should hitch one on in their appendix ? It's what I call Connect-a-cut trick

"Why is his way of spelling like the floor of an oven ? Because _under bread "

"Mowzer ! " said the Superintendent, "that word is Index ! "

"I forgot," said Mr Mowzer; "please don't deprive me of Vanity Fair_ this , sir "

"These are all, Good day, gentlemen " Then Superintendent: "Add you, sir ! "

The next Inmate was semi-idiotic-looking old man He had heap of block-letters before him, and, came up, he pointed, without saying word, arrangements he had made table They were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing the letters words employed without addition or subtraction Here are few :

TIMES SMITE ! POST STOP !

TRIBUNE TRUE NIB WORLD DR OWL

ADVERTISER { RES VERI DAT { IS TRUE READ !

ALLOPATHY ALL O' TH' PAY HOMOEOPATHY O, THE ---- ! O ! O, MY ! PAH !

The mention of several New York papers led to questions Thus: Whether the Editor Tribune was H G really ? complexion politics accounted for by his being an eager person himself ? Whether Wendell Fillips reduced copy of John Knocks ? Whether New York Feuilletoniste the same thing as Fellow down East ?

plausible-looking, bald-headed man joined us, evidently waiting part conversation

"Good morning, Mr Riggles," said the Superintendent, "Anything fresh ? Any Conundrum ? "

"I haven't looked cattle," he answered, dryly

"Cattle ? Why cattle ? "

"Why, if there's any corn under 'em ! " ; and immediately asked, "Why is Douglas like the earth ? "

, but couldn't guess

"Because flattened out polls ! " said Mr Riggles

"A famous politician, formerly," said the Superintendent "His grandfather was seize-Hessian-ist Revolutionary War , I hear the freeze-oil doctrines don't go down at New Bedford "

The next Inmate looked sailor formerly

"Ask him what his calling was," said the Superintendent

"Followed the sea," he replied question put by one of us "Went as mate in fishing-schooner "

"Why did you give it up ? "

"Because I didn't like working for two mast-ers_," he replied

Presently we came upon group of elderly persons, gathered about venerable gentleman with flowing locks, who was propounding questions to row of Inmates

"Can any Inmate motto for M Berger ? "

Nobody responded for minutes At last one old man, whom I at once recognized as Graduate University (Anno 1800) held up his hand

"Rem cue tetigit "

"Go head class, Josselyn," said the venerable patriarch

The successful Inmate did as told, but in very rough way, pushing against Class

"How ? " said the Patriarch

"You told me up jostlin'_," he replied

The old gentlemen who shoved about enjoyed the pun angry

Presently the Patriarch asked again:

"Why was M Berger authorized dances given Prince ? "

The Class had up this, and he answered it himself:

"Because carroms was tick-it ball "

"Who collects the money to defray the expenses last campaign in Italy ? " asked the Patriarch

Here again the Class failed

"The war-cloud's rolling Dun_," he answered

"And mulled wine made with ? "

Three or four voices exclaimed at once:

"_Sizzle-y Madeira ! "

Here servant entered, and said, "Luncheon-time " The old gentlemen, excellent appetites, dispersed at once, politely asking us if stop bit of bread and little mite of cheese

" forgotten to show you," said the Superintendent, "the cell confinement of violent and unmanageable Punsters "

We were very curious it, particularly with reference alleged absence of every object play of words could possibly be made

The Superintendent led us up some dark stairs to corridor, then along narrow passage, then down broad flight of steps into another passageway, and opened large door which looked out main entrance

" seen the cell confinement of 'violent and unmanageable' Punsters," we both exclaimed

" sell ! " he exclaimed, pointing outside prospect

My friend, the Director, looked me face so good-naturedly that I had to laugh

"We like to humor the Inmates," "It has bad effect, , on their health and spirits to disappoint them little pleasantries jests listened new , though I dare say not have heard them often before The same thing happens in general society, additional disadvantage, no punishment provided for 'violent and unmanageable' Punsters, as Institution "

our bow Superintendent and walked place where our carriage was waiting way, an exceedingly decrepit old man moved slowly toward us, with perfectly blank look face, but still appearing

"Look ! " said the Director--" our Centenarian "

The ancient man crawled toward us, cocked one eye, little, up at us, and said:

"Sarvant, young Gentlemen Why is a--a--a--like a--a--a-- ? Give it up ? Because it's a--a--a--a-- "

He smiled pleasant smile, it were all plain enough

"One hundred and seven last Christmas," said the Director "Of late years he puts his whole Conundrums in blank--but they please him just "

We took our departure, much gratified and instructed by our visit, hoping some future opportunity of inspecting the Records excellent Charity and making extracts benefit Readers