The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain
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. he_called his servants before him .There were three of_these, besides Roxy: aman, awoman, and aboy twelve years old .They were_not related .Mr Driscoll said:

" you_have all been warned before .It has_done no good . this_time i_will teach you alesson . i_will sell the thief .Which of you is_the guilty one ? "

They all shuddered at_the threat, for here they had agood home, and anew one was likely to_be achange for_the worse .The denial was general .None had stolen anything--not money, anyway--a little sugar, or cake, or honey, or something like that, that "Marse Percy wouldn't mind or miss" but not money--never acent of money .They were eloquent in their protestations, but Mr Driscoll was not moved by_them .He answered each in turn with astern "Name the thief ! "

The truth was, all were guilty but Roxana; she suspected that_the others were guilty, but she did_not know them to_be so .She was horrified to_think how near she had come to being guilty herself; she had_been saved in_the nick of_time by arevival in_the colored Methodist Church, afortnight before, at_which_time and place she "got religion ." The very next_day after_that gracious experience, while her change of style was fresh upon her and she was vain of her purified condition, her master left acouple dollars unprotected on_his desk, and she happened upon that temptation when she was polishing around with adustrag .She looked at_the money awhile with asteady rising resentment, then she burst out with:

"Dad blame dat revival, I wisht it had 'a' be'n put off till tomorrow ! "

Then she covered the tempter with abook, and another member of_the kitchen cabinet got it .She made this sacrifice as amatter of religious etiquette; as athing necessary just now, but by no means to_be wrested into aprecedent; no, a week_or_two would limber up her piety, then she_would be rational again, and_the next two dollars that got left out in_the cold would find acomforter--and she_could name the comforter .

Was she bad ? Was she worse than_the general run of her race ? No .They had an unfair show in_the battle of life, and_they held it no sin to_take military advantage of_the enemy--in asmall way; in asmall way, but not in alarge one . they_would smouch provisions from_the pantry whenever they got achance; or abrass thimble, or acake of wax, or an emery bag, or apaper of needles, or asilver spoon, or adollar bill, or small articles of clothing, or any_other property of light value; and so_far were they from considering such reprisals sinful, that they_would go to church and shout and pray the loudest and sincerest with their plunder in their pockets .afarm smokehouse had to_be kept heavily padlocked, or even the colored deacon himself could_not resist aham when Providence showed him in adream, or otherwise, where such athing hung lonesome, and longed for someone to love .But with ahundred hanging before him, the deacon would_not take two-- that_is, on_the same night .On frosty nights the humane Negro prowler would warm the end of_the plank and put it up under the cold claws of chickens roosting in atree; adrowsy hen would step on to_the comfortable board, softly clucking her gratitude, and_the prowler would dump her into his bag, and later into his stomach, perfectly sure that in taking this trifle from_the man who daily robbed him of an inestimable treasure--his liberty-- he_was not committing any sin that God would remember against him in_the Last Great Day .

"Name the thief ! "

for_the fourth time Mr Driscoll had said it, and always in_the same hard tone .And now he added these words of awful import:

"I give_you one minute ." he_took out his watch ."If at_the end of_that_time, you_have_not confessed, i_will_not only sell all four of you, BUT-- i_will sell you DOWN THE RIVER ! "

it_was equivalent to condemning them to hell ! No Missouri Negro doubted this .Roxy reeled in her tracks, and_the color vanished out of her face; the others dropped to_their knees as if_they had_been shot; tears gushed from their eyes, their supplicating hands went up, and three answers came in_the one instant .

"I done it ! "

"I done it ! "

"I done it ! --have mercy, marster--Lord have mercy on us po' niggers ! "

" very_good," said the master, putting up his watch, " i_will sell you here though you don't deserve it .You ought_to_be sold down the river ."

The culprits flung themselves prone, in an ecstasy of gratitude, and kissed his feet, declaring that they_would never forget his goodness and never cease to pray for him as long as_they lived .They were sincere, for like agod he had stretched forth his mighty hand and closed the gates of hell against them . he_knew, himself, that he had done anoble and gracious thing, and was privately well pleased with_his magnanimity; and_that night he set the incident down in_his diary, so_that his son might read it in after years, and be thereby moved to deeds of gentleness and humanity himself .

CHAPTER 3

Roxy Plays aShrewd Trick

Whoever has lived long enough to_find out what life is, knows how deep adebt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of_our race .He brought death into_the world .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

Percy Driscoll slept well the night he saved his house minions from going down the river, but no wink of sleep visited Roxy's eyes .aprofound terror had taken possession of her .Her child could grow up and be sold down the river ! The thought crazed her with horror .If she dozed and lost herself for amoment, the next moment she was on her feet flying to her child's cradle to_see if_it_was still there .Then she_would gather it to her heart and pour out her love upon it in afrenzy of kisses, moaning, crying, and saying, "Dey sha'n't, oh, dey sha'nt' ! '_--yo' po' mammy will kill you fust ! "

Once, when she was tucking him back in its cradle again, the other child nestled in its sleep and attracted her attention .She went and stood over it a long_time communing with herself .

"What has my po' baby done, dat he couldn't have yo' luck ? He hain't done nuth'n .God was good to_you; why warn't he good to him ? Dey can't sell you down de river .I hates yo' pappy; he hain't got no heart--for niggers, he hain't, anyways .I hates him, en I_could kill him ! " She paused awhile, thinking; then she burst into wild sobbings again, and turned away, saying, "Oh, I got to kill my chile, dey ain't no yuther way--killin' him wouldn't save de chile fum goin' down de river .Oh, I got to_do_it, yo' po' mammy's got to kill you to save you, honey ." She gathered her baby to her bosom now, and began to smother it with caresses ."Mammy's got to kill you--how kin I do_it ! But yo' mammy ain't gwine to desert you--no, no, dah_, don't cry-- she gwine wid you, she gwine to kill herself too .Come along, honey, come along wid mammy; we gwine to jump in de river, den troubles o' dis worl' is all over--dey don't sell po' niggers down the river over yonder ."

She stared toward the door, crooning to_the child and hushing it; midway she stopped, suddenly .She had caught sight of her new Sunday gown-- acheap curtain-calico thing, aconflagration of gaudy colors and fantastic figures .She surveyed it wistfully, longingly .

"Hain't ever wore it yet," she said, "en it's just lovely ." Then she nodded her head in response to apleasant idea, and added, "No, I ain't gwine to_be fished out, wid everybody lookin' at me, in dis mis'able ole linsey-woolsey ."

She put down the child and made the change .She looked in_the glass and was astonished at her beauty .She resolved to_make her death toilet perfect .She took off her handkerchief turban and dressed her glossy wealth of hair "like white folks"; she added some odds and ends of rather lurid ribbon and aspray of atrocious artificial flowers; finally she threw over her shoulders afluffy thing called a"cloud" in_that day, which_was of ablazing red complexion .Then she was ready for_the tomb .

She gathered up her baby once more; but when her eye fell upon its miserably short little gray tow-linen shirt and noted the contrast between its pauper shabbiness and her own volcanic eruption of infernal splendors, her mother-heart was touched, and she was ashamed .

"No, dolling mammy ain't gwine to treat you so .De angels is gwine to 'mire you jist as_much as dey does 'yo mammy .Ain't gwine to_have 'em putt'n dey han's up 'fo' dey eyes en sayin' to David and Goliah en dem yuther prophets, 'Dat chile is dress' to indelicate fo' dis place .'"

by_this_time she had stripped off the shirt .Now she clothed the naked little creature in one of Thomas `a Becket's snowy, long baby gowns, with its bright blue bows and dainty flummery of ruffles .

"Dah--now you's fixed ." She propped the child in achair and stood off to inspect it .Straightway her eyes begun to widen with astonishment and admiration, and she clapped her hands and cried out, "Why, it do beat all ! I never knowed you was so lovely .Marse Tommy ain't abit puttier--not asingle bit ."

She stepped over and glanced at_the other infant;' she flung aglance back at her own; then one more at_the heir of_the house .Now astrange

light dawned in her eyes, and in amoment she was lost in thought .She seemed in atrance; when she came out of it, she muttered, "When I 'uz a-washin' 'em in de tub, yistiddy, he own pappy asked me which of 'em was his'n ."

She began to move around like one in adream .She undressed Thomas `a Becket, stripping him of everything, and put the tow-linen shirt on him .She put his coral necklace on her own child's neck .Then she placed the children side by side, and after earnest inspection she muttered:

"Now who_would b'lieve clo'es could do de like o' dat ? Dog my cats if_it ain't all I kin do to_tell t' other fum which, let alone his pappy ."

She put her cub in Tommy's elegant cradle and said:

"You's young Marse Tom fum dis out, en I got to practice and git used to 'memberin' to_call you dat, honey, or I's gwine to_make amistake sometime en git us bofe into trouble .Dah--now you lay still en don't fret no mo', Marse Tom .Oh, thank de lord in heaven, you's saved, you's saved ! Dey ain't no man kin ever sell mammy's po' little honey down de river now ! "

She put the heir of_the house in her own child's unpainted pine cradle, and said, contemplating its slumbering form uneasily:

"I's sorry for_you, honey; I's sorry, God knows I is--but what kin I_do, what could I_do ? Yo' pappy would sell him to somebody, sometime, en den he'd go down de river, sho', en I couldn't, couldn't, _couldn't stan' it ."

She flung herself on her bed and began to_think and toss, toss and think .By and by she sat suddenly upright, for acomforting thought had flown through her worried mind--

"'T ain't no sin--_white folks has_done it ! It ain't no sin, glory to goodness it ain't no sin ! Dey's done it--yes, en dey was de biggest quality in de whole bilin', too--_kings ! "_

She began to muse; she was trying to gather out of her memory the dim particulars of some tale she had heard some_time or other .At last she said--

"Now I's got it; now I 'member . it_was dat ole nigger preacher dat tole it, de time he come over here fum Illinois en preached in de nigger church . he_said dey ain't nobody kin save his own self-- can't do_it by faith, can't do_it by works, can't do_it no way at all .Free grace is de on'y way, en dat don't come fum nobody but jis' de Lord; en he kin give it to anybody He please, saint or sinner--_he don't kyer .He do jis' as He's amineter .He s'lect out anybody dat suit Him, en put another one in_his place, and make de fust one happy forever en leave t' other one to burn wid Satan .De preacher said it_was jist like dey done in Englan' one_time, long_time_ago .De queen she lef' her baby layin' aroun' one day, en went out callin'; an one 'o de niggers roun'bout de place dat was 'mos' white, she come in en see de chile layin' aroun', en tuck en put her own chile's clo's on de queen's chile, en put de queen's chile's clo'es on her own chile, en den lef' her own chile layin' aroun', en tuck en toted de queen's chile home to de nigger quarter, en nobody ever foun' it out, en her chile was de king bimeby, en sole de queen's chile down de river one_time when dey had to settle up de estate .Dah, now--de preacher said it his own self, en it ain't no sin, 'ca'se white folks done it .DEY done it--yes, DEY done it; en not on'y jis' common white folks nuther, but de biggest quality dey is in de whole bilin' .Oh_, I's so glad I 'member 'bout dat ! "

She got lighthearted and happy, and went to_the cradles, and spent what_was left of_the night "practicing ." she_would give her own child alight pat and say humbly, "Lay still, Marse Tom," then give the real Tom apat and say with severity, "Lay still_, Chambers ! Does you_want me to_take somep'n to_you ? "

As she progressed with her practice, she was surprised to_see how steadily and surely the awe which had kept her tongue reverent and her manner humble toward her young master was transferring itself to her speech and manner toward the usurper, and how similarly handy she was becoming in transferring her motherly curtness of speech and peremptoriness of manner to_the unlucky heir of_the ancient house of Driscoll .

She took occasional rests from practicing, and absorbed herself in calculating her chances .

"Dey'll sell dese niggers today fo' stealin' de money, den dey'll buy some mo' dat don't now de chillen--so dat's all right .When I takes de chillen out to git de air, de minute I's roun' de corner I's gwine to gaum dey mouths all roun' wid jam, den dey can't nobody notice dey's changed .Yes, I gwine ter do dat till I's safe, if_it's ayear .

"Dey ain't but one man dat I's afeard of, en dat's dat Pudd'nhead Wilson .Dey calls him apudd'nhead, en says he's afool .My lan, dat man ain't no mo' fool den I is ! He's de smartes' man in dis town, lessn' it's Jedge Driscoll or maybe Pem Howard .Blame dat man, he worries me wid dem ornery glasses o' his'n; I b'lieve he's


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