by Mark Twain

--[ Buffalo Express, September 11, 1889 ]

Marshal Neil's last words were: "L'armee fran-caise ! " (The French army )--Exchange

What sad thing man close grand career with plagiarism mouth Napoleon's last words were: "Tete d'armee " (Head army ) Neither remarks amounts to anything as "last words," and reflect little credit utterers

distinguished man as particular about his last words as about his last breath write them out on slip of paper and judgment friends on them never leave such thing last hour life, and trust to an intellectual spirit last moment to enable him something smart latest gasp and launch into eternity with grandeur No--a man is apt fagged and exhausted, both in body and mind, , reliable; and maybe the very thing , think of to save him; and besides his weeping friends bothering around; and worse than all as likely as not to deliver his last gasp before expecting to man cannot always expect of natty thing under such circumstances, and so pure egotistic ostentation it off hardly case on record where man came last moment unprepared and said good thing hardly case where man trusted last moment and make solemn botch of it and go world feeling absurd

Now Daniel Webster Nobody could tell him anything not afraid do something neat time came And how did it turn out ? Why, his will had fixed over; and then all the relations came; and first and then another interfered, till at last he only had chance , "I still live," and up he went

he didn't still live, because he died--and so he might have kept his last words to himself and made such failure of it week fifteen minutes of calm reflection enabled that man to contrive some last words been credit to himself and comfort family for generations

And John Quincy Adams Relying splendid abilities coolness in emergencies, he trusted to happy hit last moment to carry him through, and the result ? Death smote him House of Representatives, and he observed, casually, " last of earth " The last of earth ! Why "the last of earth" when more left ? If he had said it last rose of summer or the last run of shad, it had point What he meant was, "Adam first and Adams last of earth," but he put it off trifle too long, and so he had unmeaning observation lips

And there Napoleon's "Tete d'armee " That don't mean anything Taken by itself, "Head army," is no more important than "Head police " And yet that was man who said good thing if he had barred out the doctor and studied over it while Marshal Neil, with half century at his disposal, dash off anything better last moments than poor plagiarism of another man's words, which worth plagiarizing first place "The French army " Perfectly irrelevant--perfectly flat utterly pointless But if he had closed one eye significantly, and said, "The subscriber it lively French army," and then thrown little comic into his last gasp, it thing to remember with satisfaction all the rest life wish our great men would quit saying these flat things just moment they die their next-to-the-last words for while, patch up something more satisfactory

The public wish outraged all the time

But when we come to mind the last words of parties who took the trouble to proper preparation occasion, we immediately notice happy difference result

Chesterfield Lord Chesterfield had laboured all his life to build up the most shining reputation for affability and elegance of speech and manners the world has ever seen And could you suppose he failed to appreciate the efficiency of characteristic "last words," matter of seizing the successfully driven nail reputation and clinching other side for ever ? Not he He prepared himself He kept his eye clock finger pulse He awaited his chance And at last, when his time was come, he pretended new visitor had entered, and so, rattle throat emphasised for dramatic effect, servant, "Shin around, John, and get the gentleman chair " And so he died, amid thunders of applause

Next Benjamin Franklin Franklin, the author of Poor Richard's quaint sayings; Franklin the immortal axiom-builder, who used to sit up at nights reducing the rankest old threadbare platitudes to crisp and snappy maxims that had nice, varnished, original look in their regimentals; who said, "Virtue is its own reward;" who said, "Procrastination thief ;" who said, "Time and tide wait for no man" and "Necessity mother of invention;" good old Franklin, the Josh Billings eighteenth century--though, sooth , the latter transcends him in proverbial originality as he falls short of him in correctness of orthography What sort of tactics did Franklin pursue ? He pondered over his last words for as two weeks, and then time came, , "None but the brave deserve the fair," and died happy have said sweeter thing if he had lived till an idiot

Byron made poor business of it, and think of anything , last moment but, "Augusta--sister--Lady Byron--tell Harriet Beecher Stowe"--etc , etc ,--but Shakespeare was ready and said, "England expects every man his duty ! " and went off with splendid eclat

And other instances of sagacious preparation for felicitous closing remark For instance:

Joan of Arc said, "Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching "

Alexander the Great said, "Another Santa Cruz punches, please "

The Empress Josephine said, "Not for Jo-" and could get no further

Cleopatra said, "The Old Guard dies, but never surrenders "

Sir Walter Raleigh said, "Executioner, can I take your whetstone moment, please ? " though what for clear

John Smith said, "Alas, the last race "

Queen Elizabeth said, "Oh, give my kingdom moment more -- forgotten my last words "

And Red Jacket, the noblest Indian brave that ever wielded tomahawk in defence of friendless and persecuted race, expired touching words upon his lips, "Wawkawampanoosucwinnebayowallazvsagamoresa- skatchewan " not dry eye wigwam

Let not this lesson be lost upon our public men Let them take healthy moment for preparation, and contrive some last words that shall be neat and point Let Louis Napoleon say,

" content my uncle--still, wish to improve upon his last word Put me down for 'Tete d'armee '"

And Garret Davis, "Let me recite the unabridged dictionary "

And H G , " , now, few words on political economy "

And Mr Bergh, "Only take part of me , load fatiguing hearse horses "

And Andrew Johnson, " an alderman, Member of Congress, Governor, Senator, Pres--adieu, the rest "

And Seward , "Alas ! -ka "

And Grant, "O "

All of respectfully submitted, most honorable intentions M T

P S -- obliged to leave out the illustrations The artist finds it impossible picture of people's last words