By Mark Twain (1835-1910)

[ Saturday Press_, Nov 18, 1865 Republished Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Sketches_ (1867), by Mark Twain, all of whose works are published by Harper & Brothers ]

In compliance request of friend , who wrote me East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and inquired after my friend's friend, Leonidas W Smiley, as requested , and I hereunto append the result lurking suspicion that _Leonidas W Smiley is myth; my friend never knew such personage; he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him, it would remind him infamous Jim Smiley_, and go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of him as long and as tedious as it useless design, it succeeded

Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably barroom stove dilapidated tavern decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed that fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance He roused up, and good-day him friend had commissioned me some inquiries about cherished companion boyhood named Leonidas W Smiley--_Rev Leonidas W Smiley, young minister Gospel, who he had heard was at resident of Angel's Camp I added that if Mr Wheeler could tell me anything Rev Leonidas W Smiley, feel under many obligations to him

Simon Wheeler backed me into corner and blockaded me there chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice gentle-flowing key he tuned his initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all interminable narrative there ran vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that, imagining that anything ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse I let him go on own way, and never interrupted him once

"Rev Leonidas W H'm, Reverend Le--well, feller here once name of Jim Smiley, winter of '49--or it spring of '50--I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes me think one or the other is because I remember the big flume warn't finished when he first came camp; but , he curiousest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever see, if get anybody to bet other side; and if he couldn't he'd change sides that suited the other man would suit him_-- just so's he got bet, satisfied But still lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner always ready and laying for chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet , and take any side you please, as just telling you If horse-race, you'd find him flush or you'd find him busted end of it; if dog-fight, he'd bet ; if cat-fight, he'd bet ; if chicken-fight, he'd bet ; why, if two birds setting on fence, bet you which one would fly first; or if camp-meeting, there reg'lar to bet on Parson Walker, which he judged the best exhorter about here, and , too, and good man If he even see straddle-bug start anywheres, bet you how long it would take him to--to wherever going to, and took him up, foller that straddle-bug to Mexico but what find out where bound for and how long road Lots boys here has seen that Smiley and can tell you about him Why, it never made no difference to him_--he'd bet on any thing--the dangest feller Parson Walker's wife laid very sick once, for good while, and it seemed as warn't going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked him how she was, and she was considerable better--thank the Lord inf'nit' mercy--and coming on so smart that blessing of Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, 'Well, I'll risk two-and-a-half she don't anyway '"

Thish-yer Smiley had mare--the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag, but that was only in fun, , because, , she was faster than that--and he used to win money horse, for all she was so slow and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something kind They used her hundred yards start, and then pass her under way; but always fag-end race she'd get excited and desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes air, and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose--and always fetch up stand just about neck ahead, as near as cipher it down

And he had little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think he warn't worth cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for chance to steal something But money was up on him different dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'-castle of steamboat, teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces And dog might tackle him and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder times, and Andrew Jackson-- the name pup--Andrew Jackson would never let on but what satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else-- bets being doubled and doubled other side all the time, till the money was all up; and then all of sudden grab that other dog jest j'int hind leg and freeze --not chaw, you understand, but only just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, year Smiley always come out winner pup, till he harnessed dog once that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in circular saw, and thing had gone along far enough, money was all up, and he come snatch pet holt, he see in minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him door, so , and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged-like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked out bad Smiley look, as his heart was broke, and his fault, for putting up dog that hadn't no hind legs for him holt of, his main dependence in fight, and then he limped off piece and laid down and died good pup, Andrew Jackson, and made name for hisself if he'd lived, stuff was in him and he had genius-- it, because he hadn't no opportunities of, and it don't stand to reason that dog could make such fight as under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent It always makes me feel sorry when last fight 'n, way it turned out

Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and tom-cats and all kind of things, till you couldn't rest, and you couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you He ketched frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him; and so he never done nothing for three months but set back yard and learn that frog to jump And you bet you he did_ learn him, too He'd give him little punch behind, next minute you'd see that frog whirling air like doughnut--see him turn one summerset, or couple, if he got good start, and come down flat-footed and all right, like cat He got him up so matter of ketching flies, and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail fly every time as fur as he him Smiley said all frog wanted was education, and do 'most anything--and I believe him Why, I've seen him set Dan'l Webster down here floor--Dan'l Webster name frog--and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies ! " and quicker'n wink he'd spring straight up and snake fly off'n the counter there, and flop down floor ag'in as solid as gob of mud, and fall to scratching the side head hind foot as indifferent he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do You never see frog so modest and straightfor'ard as , for all so gifted And when it come to fair and square jumping on dead level, get over more ground at one straddle than any animal breed you ever see Jumping on dead level was his strong suit, you understand; and when it come , Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had red Smiley was monstrous proud frog, and well , for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres, all said he laid over any frog that ever they see

Well, Smiley kep' the beast in little lattice box, and he used to fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for bet One day feller--a stranger camp, --come acrost him box, and says:

"What that you've got box ? "

And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It parrot, or it canary, maybe, but it ain't--it's only just frog "

feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round , and says, "H'm--so 'tis Well, what's he good for ? "

"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for one_ thing, judge-- outjump any frog in Calaveras county "

The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look, and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," , "I don't see no p'ints frog that's any better'n frog "

"Maybe you don't," Smiley says "Maybe you understand frogs and maybe you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you ain't only amature, as it were Anyways, I've got my opinion and I'll risk forty dollars that outjump any frog in Calaveras County "

feller studied minute, and then says, kinder sad like, "Well, I'm only stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had frog, I'd bet you "

And then Smiley says, "That's all right--that's all right-- 'll hold my box minute, I'll go and get you frog " And so the feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down to wait

So he set there good while thinking and thinking -self, and then he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took teaspoon and filled him full of quail shot--filled ! him pretty near up chin--and set him floor Smiley he went swamp and slopped around mud , and finally he ketched frog, and fetched him in, and give him feller, and says:

"Now, 're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, forepaws just even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word " Then , "One--two--three--_git ! " and him feller touched up the frogs from behind, new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give heave, and hysted up his shoulders--so--like Frenchman, but it warn't no use--he couldn't budge; planted as solid as church, and he couldn't no more stir than if anchored out Smiley was surprised, and disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea what the matter was,

The feller took the money and started away; and when going out door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder--so--at Dan'l, and says again, very deliberate, "Well," , "_I don't see no p'ints frog that's any better'n frog "

Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l , and at last says, " wonder what nation that frog throwed off for--I wonder if there ain't something the matter --he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow " And he ketched Dan'l up nap neck, and hefted him, and says, "Why blame my cats if he don't weigh five pounds ! " and turned him upside down and he belched out double handful of shot And then he see how , and he maddest man--he set the frog down and took out feller, but he never ketched him And----

(Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called front yard, and got up wanted ) And turning as he moved away, : "Just set where , stranger, and rest easy--I ain't going gone second "

But, by your leave, think that continuation history enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley likely to afford me much information concerning the Rev Leonidas W Smiley, and so I started away

door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me and recommenced:

"Well, thish-yer Smiley had yaller, one-eyed cow that didn't have no tail, only jest short stump like bannanner, and----"

However, lacking both time and inclination, wait to hear afflicted cow, but took my leave