by Mark Twain

"For sale, benefit Fund Relief Widows and Orphans of Deceased Firemen, Curious Ancient Bedouin Pipe, procured city of Endor in Palestine, and believed once belonged justly-renowned Witch of Endor Parties desiring to examine this singular relic with view to purchasing, can by calling upon Daniel S . 119 and 121 William street, New York"

As per advertisement "Herald " curious old relic indeed, as I had good personal right In single instant , long drawn panorama of sights and scenes Holy Land flashed through my memory--town and grove, desert, camp, and caravan clattering after and disappearing, leaping me with little surprised and dizzy feeling which experienced at sundry times when long express train has overtaken me at some quiet curve and gone whizzing, car by car, around the corner and out of sight prolific instant again all the country Sea of Galilee and Nazareth clear to Jerusalem, and thence over the hills of Judea and Vale of Sharon to Joppa, down ocean Leaving out unimportant stretches of country and details of incident, and experienced the following described matters and things Immediately three years fell away from my age, and vanished time was restored September, 1867 flaming Oriental day-- that had come up past and brought along its actors, its stage-properties, and scenic effects-- party had just ridden squalid hive of human vermin which still holds the ancient Biblical name of Endor; bringing up the rear on my grave four-dollar steed, who was about beginning to compose himself usual noon nap My ! only fifteen minutes before how the black, mangy, nine-tenths naked, ten-tenths filthy, ignorant, bigoted, besotted, hungry, lazy, malignant, screeching, crowding, struggling, wailing, begging, cursing, hateful spawn original Witch had swarmed caves rocks holes and crevices earth, and blocked our horses' way, besieged us, threw themselves animals' path, clung manes, saddle-furniture, and tails, asking, beseeching, demanding "bucksheesh ! bucksheesh ! BUCKSHEESH ! " We had rained small copper Turkish coins among them, as fugitives fling coats and hats to pursuing wolves, and then had spurred our way through stopped to scramble largess fervently thankful when we had gotten well up desolate hillside and outstripped them and left them jawing and gesticulating rear What tempest had seemingly gone roaring and crashing by me and left its dull thunders pulsing in my ears !

rear, as saying Our pack-mules and Arabs were far ahead, and Dan, Jack, Moult, Davis, Denny, Church, and Birch (these names will do as any to represent the boys) were following close after them As my horse nodded to rest, I heard sort of panting behind me, and turned and saw that tawny youth village had overtaken me --a true remnant and representative ancestress the Witch--a galvanised scurvy, wrought human shape and garnished with ophthalmia and leprous scars--an airy creature with an invisible shirt-front that reached below the pit stomach, and no other clothing of except tobacco-pouch, an ammunition-pocket, and venerable gun, long enough to club any game came within shooting distance, but far from efficient as an article of dress

to myself, "Now this disease with human heart in going to shoot me " I smiled in derision idea of Bedouin daring to touch off his great-grandfather's rusty gun and getting his head blown off pains But then it occurred , in simple school-boy language, "Suppose take deliberate aim and 'haul off' and fetch me butt-end of it ? " wisdom view of it, and I stopped to parley only friendly villain who wanted trifle of bucksheesh, and after begging what get way, was perfectly willing to trade off everything he had for more I believe parted last shirt for bucksheesh if he had had one smoking the "humbliest" pipe I ever saw--a dingy, funnel-shaped, red-clay thing, streaked and grimed with oil and tears of tobacco, and with all the different kinds of dirt , and thirty per cent peculiar and indigenous to Endor and perdition And rank ? I never smelt anything like it It withered cactus that stood lifting its prickly hands aloft beside the trail It even woke up my horse take that It cost me franc, Russian kopek, brass button, and slate pencil; and my spendthrift lavishness so won son desert that he passed over his pouch of most unspeakably villainous tobacco as free gift What pipe , ! It had rude brass-wire cover , and little coarse iron chain suspended bowl, with an iron splinter attached to loosen up the tobacco and pick your teeth with The stem looked like the half of slender walking-stick bark on

pipe had belonged original Witch of Endor it; and I smelt it, it Moreover, I asked the Arab cub in good English not so, and he answered in good Arabic I woke up my horse and went my way, smoking And presently to myself reflectively, " anything that could make man deliberately assault dying cripple, I reckon an unexpected whiff pipe would " I smoked along till beginning to lie, and project murder, and steal my own things out of one pocket and hide them in another; and then I put up my treasure, took off my spurs and put them under my horse's tail, and shortly came tearing through our caravan like hurricane

forward, going to Jerusalem, the Dead Sea, Jordan, Bethany, Bethlehem, and everywhere, I loafed contentedly rear and enjoyed my infamous pipe and revelled in imaginary villany But end of two weeks we turned our faces toward the sea and journeyed over the Judean hills, and through rocky defiles, and scenes that Samson knew youth, and by and by we touched level ground just at night, and trotted off cheerily over the plain of Sharon perfectly jolly for three hours, and we whites crowded along together, close chief Arab muleteer (all the pack-animals other Arabs were miles rear), and we laughed, and chatted, and argued hotly about Samson, and whether suicide was sin or not, since Paul speaks of Samson distinctly as being saved and in heaven But by and night air, duskiness, weariness of eight hours saddle, began , and conversation flagged and finally died out utterly The squeak-squeaking saddles grew very distinct; occasionally somebody sighed, or started to hum tune and gave it up; horse sneezed These things only emphasised the solemnity stillness Everybody got so listless that for once I and my dreamer found ourselves lead glad, new sensation, and I longed the place forevermore Every little stir dingy cavalcade behind made me nervous Davis and I were riding side by side, right Arab About 11 o'clock it had become really chilly, dozing boys roused up and began to inquire how far to Ramlah yet, and to demand Arab hurry along faster it up then, and my heart sank within me, because come scold the Arab I had to rear again In my sorrow I unconsciously took to my pipe, my only comfort As I touched the match the whole company came lumbering up and crowding my horse's rump and flanks whiff of smoke drifted back over my shoulder, and--

"The suffering Moses ! "

"Whew ! "

"By George, who opened that graveyard ? "

"Boys, that Arab's been swallowing something dead ! "

Right away gap behind us Whiff after whiff sailed airily back, and widened the breach Within fifteen seconds the barking, and gasping, and sneezing, and coughing boys, and their angry abuse Arab guide, had dwindled to murmur, and Davis and I were alone leader Davis know what the matter was, and don't day Occasionally he caught faint film smoke and fell to scolding Arab and wondering how long he decaying way Our boys kept on dropping back further and further, till at last they were only in hearing, not in sight And every time they started gingerly forward to reconnoitre or shoot the Arab, proposed --I let them get within good fair range relic ( carry seventy yards with wonderful precision), and then wafted whiff among them that sent them gasping and strangling rear again I kept my gun well charged and ready, and twice hour I decoyed the boys right my horse's tail, and then with one malarious blast emptied the saddles, almost I never heard an Arab abused so in my life He really owed his preservation , because entire hour I stood between him and certain death The boys killed him if have got by me

By and by, company were far rear, I put away my pipe -- getting fearfully dry and crisp gills and rather blown with good diligent work--and spurred my animated trance up alongside the Arab and stopped him and asked for water He unslung his little gourd-shaped earthenware jug, and I put it under my moustache and took long, glorious, satisfying draught going to scour the mouth jug little, but that I had brought the whole train together once more by my delay, and were all anxious to drink too--and Arab pretended that out of water So I hastened the vessel to Davis mouthful, and never said word, but climbed off his horse and lay down calmly road sorry for Davis too late now, though, and Dan was drinking Dan got down too, and hunted for soft place I heard Dan say, "That Arab's friends ought him in alcohol or else take him out and bury him somewhere " All the boys took drink and climbed down well into further particulars draw the curtain act

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Well, now, that after three changing years hear curious old relic again, Dan advertising it for sale benefit of benevolent object Dan treating that present right that pipe to him for keepsake However, he probably finds keeps away custom and interferes with business most convincing inanimate object in all this part world, perhaps Dan and I were roommates in all that long "Quaker City" voyage, and whenever I desired little season of privacy I used to fire up pipe and persuade Dan out; and he seldom waited his clothes, either In about quarter, or to three-quarters of minute, propping up the smoke-stack upper deck and cursing I wonder how the faithful old relic is going ?