[ Columbian Magazine_, October, 1844 ]

by Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

chilly November afternoon I had just consummated an unusually hearty dinner, the dyspeptic truffe formed not the least important item, and was sitting alone dining-room with my feet fender and at my elbow small table which I had rolled fire, and were some apologies for dessert, with some miscellaneous bottles of wine, spirit, and liqueur morning I reading Glover's Leonidas_, Wilkie's Epigoniad_, Lamartine's Pilgrimage_, Barlow's Columbiad_, Tuckerman's Sicily_, and Griswold's Curiosities_, willing to confess, therefore, that I now felt little stupid effort to arouse myself by frequent aid of Lafitte, and all failing, I betook myself to stray newspaper in despair Having carefully perused the column of "Houses to let," column of "Dogs lost," and then the columns of "Wives and apprentices runaway," I attacked with great resolution the editorial matter, and reading it from beginning to end without understanding syllable, conceived the possibility being Chinese, and so re-read it end beginning, but with no more satisfactory result about throwing away in disgust

This folio of four pages, happy work Which not even critics criticise,

when my attention somewhat aroused paragraph which follows:

"The avenues to death are numerous and strange London paper mentions the decease of person from singular cause playing at 'puff the dart,' played with long needle inserted in some worsted, and blown at target through tin tube He placed the needle wrong end tube, and drawing his breath strongly to puff the dart forward with force, drew the needle into his throat It entered the lungs, and killed him "

Upon seeing this I fell into great rage, without exactly knowing why "This thing," I exclaimed, "is contemptible falsehood--a poor hoax--the lees invention of some pitiable penny-a-liner, of some wretched concocter of accidents in Cocaigne These fellows knowing the extravagant gullibility age set their wits to work imagination of improbable possibilities, of odd accidents term them, but to reflecting intellect (like mine, I added, in parenthesis, putting my forefinger unconsciously side nose), to contemplative understanding such as I myself possess, it seems evident at once marvelous increase of late 'odd accidents' is by far the oddest accident of all own part, I intend nothing henceforward that has anything 'singular' "

"Mein Gott, den, vat vool you bees for dat ! " replied remarkable voices I ever heard At first it for rumbling in my ears--such as man sometimes experiences when getting very drunk--but upon second thought, I considered the sound as more nearly resembling that which proceeds from an empty barrel beaten with big stick; and, , this concluded it , but articulation syllables and words by no means naturally nervous, very few glasses of Lafitte which I had sipped served to embolden me little, nothing of trepidation, but merely uplifted my eyes with leisurely movement and looked carefully around the room intruder , however, perceive at all

"Humph ! " resumed the voice as I continued my survey, "you mus pe so dronk as de pig den for not zee me as I zit here at your zide "

Hereupon I bethought me of looking immediately before my nose, and there, sure enough, confronting me table sat personage nondescript, although not altogether indescribable His body was wine-pipe or rum puncheon, or something character, and had truly Falstaffian air In its nether extremity were inserted two kegs, which seemed to answer all the purposes of legs For arms there dangled upper portion carcass two tolerably long bottles necks outward for hands All the head that the monster possessed of was one Hessian canteens which resemble large snuff-box with hole middle lid This canteen (with funnel on its top like cavalier cap slouched over the eyes) was set on edge puncheon, hole toward myself; and hole, which seemed puckered up like the mouth of very precise old maid, the creature was emitting certain rumbling and grumbling noises which he evidently intended for intelligible talk

"I zay," said he, "you mos pe dronk as de pig, vor zit dare and not zee me zit ere; and I zay, doo, you mos pe pigger vool as de goose, vor to dispelief vat iz print in de print 'Tiz de troof--dat it iz--ebery vord ob it "

"Who , pray ? " said I with much dignity, although somewhat puzzled; "how did you get here ? and it talking about ? "

"As vor ow I com'd ere," replied the figure, "dat iz none of your pizziness; and as vor vat I be talking apout, I be talk apout vat I tink proper; and as vor who I be, vy dat is de very ting I com'd here for to let you zee "

" drunken vagabond," said I, "and ring the bell and order my footman to kick you street "

"He ! he ! he ! " said the fellow, "hu ! hu ! hu ! dat 't do "

"Can't do ! " said I, "what ? 't do what ? "

"Ring de pell," he replied, attempting grin little villainous mouth

an effort up my threat into execution, but the ruffian just reached across the table very deliberately, and hitting me tap forehead neck of long bottles, knocked me back armchair I had half arisen utterly astounded, and for moment was quite at loss what meantime he continued his talk

"You zee," said he, "it iz te bess vor zit still; and now you shall know who I pe Look at me ! zee ! te Angel ov te Odd "

"And odd enough, too," I ventured to reply; "but always under the impression that an angel had wings "

"Te wing ! " he cried, highly incensed, "vat I pe do mit te wing ? Mein Gott ! take me for shicken ? "

"No--oh, no ! " I replied, much alarmed; " no chicken--certainly not "

"Well, den, zit still and pehabe yourself, or I'll rap you again mid me vist It iz te shicken ab te wing, und te owl ab te wing, und te imp ab te wing, und te head-teuffel ab te wing Te angel ab not te wing, and te Angel ov te Odd "

"And your business with me at present is--is----"

"My pizziness ! " ejaculated the thing, "vy vat low-bred puppy you mos pe vor to ask gentleman und an angel apout his pizziness ! "

This language was rather more than bear, even from an angel; so, plucking up courage, I seized salt-cellar which lay within reach, and hurled it head intruder Either he dodged, however, or my aim was inaccurate; for all I accomplished demolition crystal which protected the dial clock mantelpiece As Angel, he evinced his sense assault by giving me hard, consecutive raps forehead as before These reduced me at once to submission, and almost ashamed to confess that, either through pain or vexation, there came few tears into my eyes

"Mein Gott ! " said the Angel Odd, apparently much softened at my distress; "mein Gott, te man is eder ferry dronk or ferry zorry You mos not trink it so strong--you mos put te water in te wine Here, trink dis, like good veller, and don't gry now--don't ! "

Hereupon the Angel Odd replenished my goblet ( about third full of port) with colorless fluid that he poured from one hand-bottles I observed bottles had labels about their necks, and labels were inscribed "Kirschenwaesser "

The considerate kindness Angel mollified me in no little measure; and, aided water he diluted my port more than once, I regained sufficient temper to listen very extraordinary discourse pretend to recount all that me, but I gleaned from what that genius who presided over the contretemps of mankind, and whose business to bring odd accidents which are continually astonishing the skeptic , upon my venturing to express my total incredulity in respect pretensions, he grew very angry indeed, I considered it the wiser policy nothing at all, and let him have his own way He talked on, therefore, at great length, while I merely leaned back in my chair with my eyes shut, and amused myself with munching raisins and filiping the stems room But, by and by, the Angel suddenly construed this behavior into contempt He arose in terrible passion, slouched his funnel down over his eyes, swore vast oath, uttered threat of some character, which precisely comprehend, and finally made me low bow and departed, wishing me, language archbishop in "Gil Bias," beaucoup de bonheur et un peu plus de bon sens

His departure afforded me relief The very few glasses of Lafitte that I had sipped had the effect of rendering me drowsy, and inclined nap of some fifteen or twenty minutes, as is my custom after dinner At six I had an appointment of consequence, which quite indispensable that keep The policy of insurance dwelling-house had expired the day before; and some dispute having arisen agreed that, at six, meet the board of directors company and settle the terms of renewal Glancing upward clock mantelpiece (for too drowsy out my watch), I had the pleasure that I had still twenty-five minutes to spare half-past five; easily walk insurance office in five minutes; and my usual siestas had never been known to exceed five-and-twenty sufficiently safe, therefore, and composed myself to my slumbers forthwith

Having completed them to my satisfaction, I again looked toward the timepiece, and was half inclined possibility of odd accidents when that, instead ordinary fifteen or twenty minutes, I dozing only three; still wanted seven-and-twenty appointed hour I betook myself again to my nap, and second time awoke, when, to my utter amazement, it still wanted twenty-seven minutes of six I jumped examine the clock, and found had ceased running My watch informed me half-past seven; and, , having slept two hours, too late appointment " make no difference," : " call office morning and apologize; meantime what the matter clock ? " Upon examining it I discovered that raisin stems which I filiping room during the discourse Angel Odd had flown fractured crystal, and lodging, singularly enough, keyhole, with an end projecting outward, had thus arrested the revolution minute hand

"Ah ! " said I, " how This thing speaks for itself natural accident, such as will happen ! "