the wild man interviewed

by mark twain

[ from_the buffalo express, September 18, 1869 .]

there_has_been so_much talk about_the mysterious " wild man" out there in_the west for some_time, that I finally felt it_was my duty to_go out and interview him . there_was something peculiarly and touchingly romantic about_the creature and_his strange actions, according to_the newspaper reports . he_was represented as being hairy, long- armed, and of great strength and stature; ugly and cumbrous; avoiding men, but appearing suddenly and unexpectedly to women and children; going armed with a club, but never molesting any creature, except sheep, or other prey; fond of eating and drinking, and not particular about_the quality, quantity, or character of_the beverages and edibles; living in_the woods like a wild beast, but never angry; moaning, and sometimes howling, but never uttering articulate sounds .

such was " old Shep" as_the papers painted him . I_felt that_the story of_his life must_be a sad one--a story of suffering, disappointment, and exile--a story of man's inhumanity to man in some shape or other-- and I longed to_persuade the secret from_him .

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .

" since you say you_are a member of_the press," said the wild man, " I_am willing to_tell you all you wish to_know .Bye and bye you_will comprehend why it is_that i_wish to unbosom myself to a newspaper man when I_have so studiously avoided conversation with other people . i_will now unfold my strange story . i_was born with_the world we live upon, almost . I_am the son of Cain ."

" what ? "

" i_was present when_the flood was announced ."

" which ? "

" I_am the father of_the Wandering Jew ."

" sir ? "

I moved out of range of_his club, and went on taking notes, but keeping a wary eye on him all the while . he smiled a melancholy smile and resumed:

" when I glance back over the dreary waste of ages, I_see many aglimmering and mark that_is familiar to my memory . and oh, the leagues I_have travelled ! the things I_have_seen ! the events I_have helped to emphasise ! i_was at_the assassination of Caesar .I marched upon Mecca with Mahomet . i_was in_the Crusades, and stood with Godfrey when he planted the banner of_the cross on_the battlements of Jerusalem .I--"

" one moment, please . have_you given these items to any_other journal ? can I--"

" silence . i_was in_the Pinta's shrouds with Columbus when America burst upon his vision . I_saw Charles I beheaded . i_was in London when_the gunpowder plot was discovered . i_was present at_the trial of warren Hastings . i_was on American soil when_the battle of Lexington was fought when_the declaration was promulgated-- when Cornwallis surrendered -- when Washington died .I entered Paris with napoleon after Elba . i_was present when_you mounted your guns and manned your fleets for_the war of 1812-- when_the south fired upon Sumter-- when Richmond fell-- when_the president's life was taken . in all the ages I_have helped to celebrate the triumphs of genius, the achievements of arms, the havoc of storm, fire, pestilence, famine ."

" your career has_been astirring one . might I ask how you came to locate in_these dull Kansas woods, when you_have_been so accustomed to excitement during what I_might term so protracted a period, not to_put too fine a point on_it ? "

" listen . once I was_the honoured servitor of_the noble and illustrious" ( here he heaved a sigh, and passed his hairy hand across his eyes) " but in_these degenerate days I_am become the slave of quack doctors and newspapers . I_am driven from pillar to post and hurried up and down, sometimes with stencil- plate and paste- brush to defile the fences with cabalistic legends, and sometimes in grotesque and extravagant character at_the behest of some driving journal .I attended to_that ocean bank robbery some weeks_ago, when i_was hardly rested from finishing up the POW-wow about_the completion of_the pacific railroad; immediately i_was spirited off to_do an atrocious, murder for_the benefit of_the New_York papers; next to attend the wedding of a patriarchal millionaire; next to raise ahurrah about_the great boat race; and then, just when I had begun to hope_that my old bones would_have a rest, I_am bundled off to_this howling wilderness to strip, and jibber, and be ugly and hairy, and pull down fences and waylay sheep, and waltz around with a club, and play ' wild man' generally-- and all to gratify the whim of a bedlam of crazy newspaper scribblers ? from one end of_the continent to_the other, I_am described as a gorilla, with a sort of human seeming about me-- and all to gratify this quill-driving scum of_the earth ! "

" poor old carpet bagger ! "

" I_have_been served infamously, often, in modern and semi- modern times . I_have_been compelled by base men to create fraudulent history, and to perpetrate all sorts of humbugs . i_wrote those crazy Junius letters, I moped in a French dungeon for fifteen years, and wore a ridiculous iron mask; I poked around your northern forests, among your vagabond Indians, a solemn French idiot, personating the ghost of a dead dauphin, that_the gaping world might wonder if_we had 'a Bourbon among us'; I_have played sea- serpent off Nahant, and woolly- horse and what- is- it for_the museums; I_have interviewed politicians for_the sun, worked up all manner of miracles for_the herald, ciphered up election returns for_the world, and thundered political economy through_the tribune . I_have_done all the extravagant things that_the wildest invention could contrive, and done them well, and this_is my reward--playing wild man in Kansas without a shirt ! "

" mysterious being, a light dawns vaguely upon me-- it grows apace-- what -- what_is your_name ."

" sensation ! "

" hence, horrible shape ! "

it spoke again:

"Oh pitiless fate, my destiny hounds me once more . I_am called .I go . alas, is_there no rest for_me ? "

in a moment the wild man's features seemed to soften and refine, and_his form to assume a more human grace and symmetry . his club changed to a spade, and he shouldered it and started away sighing profoundly and shedding tears .

" whither, poor shade ? "

" to dig up the Byron family ! "

such was_the response that floated back upon_the wind as_the sad spirit shook its ringlets to_the breeze, flourished its shovel aloft, and disappeared beyond the brow of_the hill .

all of which_is in strict accordance with_the facts .

M .T .