Wieland's Maddness by Charles Brockden Brown
Section [1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13]
.According to German custom, it_was minute and diffuse, and dictated by an adventurous and lawless fancy . it_was a chain of audacious acts and unheard- of disasters . the moated fortress and_the thicket, the ambush and_the battle, and_the conflict of headlong passions, were portrayed in wild numbers and with terrific energy . an afternoon was set apart to rehearse this performance . the language was familiar to all of us but Carwin, whose company, therefore, was tacitly dispensed with .

the morning previous to_this intended rehearsal I spent at home . my mind was occupied with reflections relative to my own situation . the sentiment which lived with chief energy in my heart was connected with_the image of Pleyel . in_the midst of_my anguish, I had_not_been destitute of consolation . his late deportment had given spring to my hopes . was not the hour at hand which should render me the happiest of human creatures ? he suspected that I looked with favorable eyes upon Carwin . hence arose disquietudes which he struggled in vain to conceal . he loved me, but was hopeless that his love would_be compensated . is_it not time, said I, to rectify this error ? but by what means is_this to_be effected ? it can only be_done by a change of deportment in me; but how must I demean myself for_this purpose ?

I_must not speak . neither eyes nor lips must impart the information . he_must not be assured that my heart is his, previous to_the tender of_his own; but he_must_be convinced that_it has_not_been given to another; he_must_be supplied with space whereon to build a doubt as_to_the true state of_my affections; he_must_be prompted to avow himself . the line of delicate propriety,-- how hard it_is_not to_fall short, and not to overleap it !

this afternoon we_shall meet .. .. we_shall_not separate till late . it_will_be his province to accompany me home . the airy expanse is without a speck . this breeze is usually steadfast, and its promise of a bland and cloudless evening may_be trusted . the moon will rise at eleven, and at_that hour we_shall wind along_this bank . possibly that hour may decide my fate . if suitable encouragement be given, Pleyel will reveal his soul to_me; and I, ere I reach this threshold, will_be made the happiest of beings .

and is_this good to_be mine ? add wings to thy speed, sweet evening; and thou, moon, I charge thee, shroud thy beams at_the moment when my Pleyel whispers love . i_would_not for_the world that_the burning blushes and_the mounting raptures of_that moment should_be visible .

but what encouragement is wanting ? I_must_be regardful of insurmountable limits . yet, when minds are imbued with a genuine sympathy, are_not words and looks superfluous ? are_not motion and touch sufficient to impart feelings such as mine ? has he not eyed me at moments when_the pressure of_his hand has thrown me into tumults, and was_it impossible that he mistook the impetuosities of love for_the eloquence of indignation ?

but the hastening evening will decide . would it were come ! and yet I shudder at its near approach . an interview that_must thus terminate is surely to_be wished for by me; and yet it_is_not without its terrors . would to heaven it were come and gone !

I_feel no reluctance, my friends, to_be thus explicit . time was, when these emotions would_be hidden with immeasurable solicitude from every human eye . alas ! these airy and fleeting impulses of shame are gone . my scruples were preposterous and criminal . they_are bred in all hearts by a perverse and vicious education, and they_would still have maintained their place in my heart, had_not my portion been set in misery . my errors have taught me thus much wisdom:-- that_those sentiments which we ought not to disclose it_is criminal to harbor .

it_was proposed to_begin the rehearsal at four o'clock .I counted the minutes as_they passed; their flight was at once too rapid and too slow: my sensations were of an excruciating kind; I_could taste no food, nor apply to any task, nor enjoy a moment's repose; when_the hour arrived I hastened to my brother's .

Pleyel was not there . he had_not yet come . on ordinary occasions he_was eminent for punctuality . he had testified great eagerness to share in_the pleasures of_this rehearsal . he_was to divide the task with my brother, and in tasks like these he always engaged with peculiar zeal . his elocution was less sweet than sonorous, and, therefore, better adapted than_the mellifluences of_his friend to_the outrageous vehemence of_this drama .

what could detain him ? perhaps he lingered through forgetfulness . yet this_was incredible . never had his memory been known to fail upon even more trivial occasions . not less impossible was_it that_the scheme had lost its attractions, and_that he stayed because his coming would afford him no gratification . but why should we expect him to adhere to_the minute ?

a half- hour elapsed, but Pleyel was still at a distance . perhaps he had misunderstood the hour which had_been proposed . perhaps he had conceived that to- morrow, and not to- day, had_been selected for_this purpose; but no .a review of preceding circumstances demonstrated that such misapprehension was impossible; for he had himself proposed this day, and this hour . this day his attention would_not otherwise be occupied; but to- morrow an indispensable engagement was foreseen, by_which all his time would_be engrossed; his detention, therefore, must_be owing to some unforeseen and extraordinary event . our conjectures were vague, tumultuous, and sometimes fearful . his sickness and_his death might possibly have detained him .

tortured with suspense, we sat gazing at each_other, and at_the path which led from_the road . every horseman that passed was, for a moment, imagined to_be him . hour succeeded hour, and_the sun, gradually declining, at_length disappeared . every signal of_his coming proved fallacious, and_our hopes were at_length dismissed . his absence affected my friends in no insupportable degree . they should_be obliged, they said, to defer this undertaking till the morrow; and perhaps their impatient curiosity would compel them to dispense entirely with_his presence . no_doubt some harmless occurrence had diverted him from_his purpose; and_they trusted that_they should receive a satisfactory account of him in_the morning .

it may_be supposed that_this disappointment affected me in a very different manner .I turned aside my head to conceal my tears .I fled into solitude, to_give vent to my reproaches without interruption or restraint . my heart was ready to burst with indignation and grief .Pleyel was not the only object of_my keen but unjust upbraiding . deeply did I execrate my own folly . thus fallen into ruins was_the gay fabric which I had reared ! thus had my golden vision melted into air !

how fondly did I dream that Pleyel was a lover ! if he were, would he have suffered any obstacle to hinder his coming ? " blind and infatuated man ! " I exclaimed ." thou sportest with happiness . the good that_is offered thee thou hast the insolence and folly to refuse . well, i_will henceforth intrust my felicity to no one's keeping but my own ."

the first agonies of_this disappointment would_not allow me to_be reasonable or just . every ground on_which I had built the persuasion that Pleyel was not unimpressed in my favor appeared to vanish . it seemed as_if I had_been misled into_this opinion by_the most palpable illusions .

I_made some trifling excuse, and returned, much earlier than I expected, to my own house .I retired early to my chamber, without designing to sleep .I placed myself at a window, and gave the reins to reflection .

the hateful and degrading impulses which had lately controlled me were, in some degree, removed . new dejection succeeded, but was now produced by contemplating my late behavior . surely that passion is worthy to_be abhorred which obscures our understanding and urges us to_the commission of injustice . what right had I to expect his attendance ? had I not demeaned myself like one indifferent to_his happiness, and as having bestowed my regards upon another ? his absence might_be prompted by_the love which I considered his absence as a proof that he_wanted . he_came not because the sight of me, the spectacle of_my coldness or aversion, contributed to_his despair . why should I prolong, by hypocrisy or silence, his misery as_well as my own ? why_not deal with_him explicitly, and assure him of_the truth ?

you_will hardly believe that, in obedience to_this suggestion, I rose for_the_purpose of ordering a light, that I_might instantly make this confession in a letter .a second thought showed me the rashness of_this scheme, and I wondered by what infirmity of mind I_could_be betrayed into a momentary approbation of it . I_saw with_the utmost clearness that a confession like that_would_be the most remediless and unpardonable outrage upon_the dignity of_my sex, and utterly unworthy of_that passion which controlled me .

I resumed my seat and my musing . to account for_the absence of Pleyel became once more the scope of_my conjectures . how_many incidents might occur to raise an insuperable impediment in_his way ! when i_was a child, a scheme of pleasure, in_which he and_his sister were parties, had_been in like manner frustrated by his absence; but his absence, in_that instance, had_been occasioned by his falling from a boat into_the river, in consequence of_which he had run the most imminent hazard of being drowned . here was a second disappointment endured by_the same persons, and produced by his failure . might it not originate in_the same cause ? had he not designed to cross the river that morning to_make some necessary purchases in New_Jersey ? he had preconcerted to return to_his own house to dinner but perhaps some disaster had befallen him . experience had taught me the insecurity of a canoe, and_that was_the only kind of boat which Pleyel used; i_was, likewise, actuated by an hereditary dread of water . these circumstances combined to bestow considerable plausibility on_this conjecture; but the consternation with_which I began to_be seized was allayed by reflecting that, if_this disaster had happened, my brother would_have received the speediest information of it . the consolation which this idea imparted was ravished from me by a new thought . this disaster might_have happened, and_his family not be apprised of it . the first intelligence of_his fate may_be communicated by_the livid corpse which the tide may cast, many days hence, upon_the shore .

thus was I distressed by opposite conjectures; thus was I tormented by phantoms of_my own creation . it_was not always thus . I_can ascertain the date when my mind became the victim of_this imbecility; perhaps it_was coeval with_the inroad of a fatal passion,--a passion that_will never rank me in_the number of_its eulogists; it_was alone sufficient to_the extermination of_my peace; it_was itself a plenteous source of calamity, and needed not the concurrence of other evils to_take away the attractions of existence and dig for_me an untimely grave .

the state of_my mind naturally introduced a train of reflections upon_the dangers and cares which inevitably beset a human being . by no violent transition was I led to ponder on_the turbulent life and mysterious end of_my father .I cherished with_the utmost veneration the memory of_this man, and every relic connected with_his fate was preserved with_the most scrupulous care . among_these was to_be numbered a manuscript containing memoirs of_his own life . the narrative was by no means recommended by its eloquence; but neither did all its value flow from my relationship to_the author . its style had an unaffected and picturesque simplicity . the great variety and circumstantial display of_the incidents, together with their intrinsic importance as descriptive of human manners and passions, made it the most useful book in my collection . it_was late: but, being sensible of no inclination to sleep, I resolved to betake myself to_the perusal of it .

to do_this, it_was requisite to procure a light . the girl had long since retired to her chamber: it_was therefore proper to wait upon myself .a lamp, and_the means of lighting it, were only to_be found in_the kitchen . thither I resolved forthwith to repair; but the light was of use merely to enable me to read the book . I_knew the shelf and_the spot where it stood . whether i_took down the book, or prepared the lamp in_the first place, appeared to_be a matter of no moment . the latter was preferred, and, leaving my seat, I approached the closet in_which, as I mentioned formerly, my books and papers were deposited .

suddenly the remembrance of what had lately passed in_this closet occurred . whether midnight was approaching, or had passed, I_knew not . i_was, as then, alone and defenseless . the wind was in_that direction in_which, aided by_the deathlike repose of nature, it brought to_me the murmur of_the waterfall . this_was mingled with_that solemn and enchanting sound which a breeze produces among_the leaves of pines . the words of_that mysterious dialogue, their fearful import, and_the wild excess to_which i_was transported by my terrors, filled my imagination anew . my steps faltered, and I stood a moment to recover myself .

I prevailed on myself at_length to move toward the closet .I touched the lock,

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