By the Waters of Paradise by F. Marion Crawford
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by_the Waters of paradise

by F . Marion Crawford

I

I remember my childhood very distinctly . I_do_not_think that_the fact argues a good memory, for I_have never been clever at learning words by heart, in prose or rhyme; so_that I believe my remembrance of events depends much more upon_the events themselves than upon my possessing any special facility for recalling them . perhaps I_am too imaginative, and_the earliest impressions I received were of a kind to stimulate the imagination abnormally .a long series of little misfortunes, so connected with each_other as_to suggest a sort of weird fatality, so worked upon my melancholy temperament when i_was a boy that, before i_was of age, I sincerely believed myself to_be under a curse, and not_only myself, but my whole family and every individual who bore my name .

i_was born in_the old place where my father, and_his father, and all his predecessors had_been born, beyond the memory of man . it_is a very old house, and_the greater part of it_was originally a castle, strongly fortified, and surrounded by a deep moat supplied with abundant water from_the hills by a hidden aqueduct . many_of_the fortifications have_been destroyed, and_the moat has_been filled up . the water from_the aqueduct supplies great fountains, and runs down into huge oblong basins in_the terraced gardens, one below the other, each surrounded by a broad pavement of marble between_the water and_the flower-beds . the waste surplus finally escapes through an artificial grotto, some thirty yards long, into a stream, flowing down through_the park to_the meadows beyond, and thence to_the distant river . the buildings were extended a little and greatly altered more than two hundred years_ago, in_the time of Charles II ., but since then little has_been_done to improve them, though they_have been kept in fairly good repair, according to our fortunes .

in_the gardens there_are terraces and huge hedges of box and evergreen, some of_which used to_be clipped into shapes of animals, in_the Italian style . I_can remember when i_was alad how I used to_try to_make out what the trees were cut to represent, and how I used to appeal for explanations to Judith, my Welsh nurse . she dealt in a strange mythology of her own, and peopled the gardens with griffins, dragons, good genii and bad, and filled my mind with_them at_the same time . my nursery window afforded a view of_the great fountains at_the head of_the upper basin, and on moonlight nights the Welshwoman would hold me up_to_the glass and bid me look at_the mist and spray rising into mysterious shapes, moving mystically in_the white light like living things .

" it's the woman of_the water," she used to_say; and sometimes she_would threaten that if I_did_not go to sleep the woman of_the water would steal up_to_the high window and carry me away in her wet arms .

the place was gloomy . the broad basins of water and_the tall evergreen hedges gave it a funereal look, and_the damp- stained marble causeways by_the pools might_have_been made of tombstones . the gray and weather- beaten walls and towers without, the dark and massively furnished rooms within, the deep, mysterious recesses and_the heavy curtains, all affected my spirits . i_was silent and sad from my childhood . there_was a great clock tower above, from_which the hours rang dismally during the day, and tolled like aknell in_the dead of night . there_was no light nor life in_the house, for_my mother was a helpless invalid, and my father had grown melancholy in_his long task of caring for her . he_was a thin, dark man, with sad eyes; kind, i_think, but silent and unhappy . next to my mother, I believe he loved me better than anything on earth, for he_took immense pains and trouble in teaching me, and what he taught me I_have never forgotten . perhaps it_was his only amusement, and that_may_be the reason why I had no nursery governess or teacher of any kind while he lived .

I used to_be taken to_see my mother every day, and sometimes twice a day, for an hour at_a_time . then I sat upon a little stool near her feet, and she_would ask me what I had_been doing, and what i_wanted to_do .I dare say she saw already the seeds of a profound melancholy in my nature, for she looked at me always with a sad smile, and kissed me with a sigh when i_was taken away .

one night, when i_was just six years old, I lay awake in_the nursery . the door was not quite shut, and_the Welsh nurse was sitting sewing in_the next room . suddenly I heard her groan, and say in a strange voice, " one-- two-- one-- two ! " i_was frightened, and I jumped up and ran to_the door, barefooted as i_was .

" what_is it, Judith ? " I cried, clinging to her skirts . I_can remember the look in her strange dark eyes as she answered:

" one-- two leaden coffins, fallen from_the ceiling ! " she crooned, working herself in her chair ." one-- two--a light coffin and a heavy coffin, falling to_the floor ! "

then she seemed to notice me, and she took me back to bed and sang me to sleep with a queer old Welsh song .

I_do_not know how it_was, but the impression got hold of me that she had meant that my father and mother were going to die very_soon . they died in_the very room where she had_been sitting that night . it_was a great room, my day nursery, full of sun when there_was any; and when_the days were dark it was_the most cheerful place in_the house . my mother grew rapidly worse, and i_was transferred to another part of_the building to_make place for her . they thought my nursery was gayer for her, I suppose; but she_could_not live . she was beautiful when she was dead, and I cried bitterly .

the light one, the light one-- the heavy one to_come," crooned the Welshwoman . and she was right . my father took the room after my mother was gone, and day by day he grew thinner and paler and sadder .

" the heavy one, the heavy one-- all of lead," moaned my nurse, one night in December, standing still, just as she was going to_take away the light after putting me to bed . then she took me up again and wrapped me in a little gown, and led me away to my father's room . she knocked, but no one answered . she opened the door, and we_found him in_his easy chair before_the fire, very white, quite dead .

so i_was alone with_the Welshwoman till strange people came, and relations whom I had never seen; and then I heard them saying that I_must_be taken away to some more cheerful place . they were kind people, and i_will_not believe that_they were kind only because i_was to_be very rich when I grew to_be a man . the world never seemed to_be a very bad place to_me, nor all the people to_be miserable sinners, even when i_was most melancholy . I_do_not remember that anyone ever did me any great injustice, nor that i_was ever oppressed or ill treated in any_way, even by_the boys at school . i_was sad, I suppose, because my childhood was so gloomy, and, later, because i_was unlucky in everything I undertook, till I finally believed i_was pursued by fate, and I used to dream that_the old Welsh nurse and_the woman of_the water between_them had vowed to pursue me to my end . but my natural disposition should_have_been cheerful, as I_have often thought .

among_the lads of_my age i_was never last, or even among_the last, in anything; but i_was never first . if I trained for a race, i_was sure to sprain my ankle on_the day when i_was to run . if I pulled an oar with others, my oar was sure to break . if I competed for a prize, some unforeseen accident prevented my winning it at_the last moment . nothing to_which I put my hand succeeded, and I got the reputation of being unlucky, until my companions felt it_was always safe to bet against me, no matter what the appearances might_be .I became discouraged and listless in everything . I_gave up the idea of competing for any distinction at_the university, comforting myself with_the thought that I_could_not fail in_the examination for_the ordinary degree . the day before_the examination began I fell ill; and when at last I recovered, after a narrow escape from death, I turned my back upon Oxford, and went down alone to visit the old place where I had_been born, feeble in health and profoundly disgusted and discouraged . i_was twenty- one years_of_age, master of myself and of_my fortune; but so deeply had the long chain of small unlucky circumstances affected me that i_thought seriously of shutting myself up from_the world to live the life of a hermit and to die as_soon_as_possible . death seemed the only cheerful possibility in my existence, and my thoughts soon dwelt upon it altogether .

I had never shown any wish to return to my own home since I had_been taken away as a little boy, and no one had ever pressed me to_do_so . the place had_been kept in_order after a fashion, and did_not seem to_have suffered during the fifteen years or more of_my absence . nothing earthly could affect those old gray walls that had fought the elements for so_many centuries . the garden was more wild than I remembered it; the marble causeways about_the pools looked more yellow and damp than of old, and_the whole place at first looked smaller . it_was not until I had wandered about_the house and grounds for many hours that I realized the huge size of_the home where i_was to live in solitude . then I began to delight in_it, and my resolution to live alone grew stronger .

the people had turned out to welcome me, of_course, and I tried to recognize the changed faces of_the old gardener and_the old housekeeper, and to_call them by name . my old nurse I_knew at once . she had grown very gray since she heard the coffins fall in_the nursery fifteen years before, but her strange eyes were the same, and_the look in_them woke all my old memories . she went over the house with me .

" and how is_the woman of_the water ? " I asked, trying to laugh a little ."Does she still play in_the moonlight ? "

" she_is hungry," answered the Welshwoman, in a low voice .

" hungry ? then we_will feed her ." I laughed . but old Judith turned very pale, and looked at me strangely .

" feed her ? Aye-- you_will feed her well," she muttered, glancing behind her at_the ancient housekeeper, who tottered after us with feeble steps through_the halls and passages .

I_did_not think much of her words . she had always talked oddly, as Welshwomen will, and though i_was very melancholy I_am_sure i_was not superstitious, and i_was certainly not timid . only, as in a far- off dream, I seemed to_see her standing with_the light in her hand and muttering, " the heavy one-- all of lead," and then leading a little boy through_the long corridors to_see his father lying dead in a great easy chair before asmoldering fire . so we went over the house, and I chose the rooms where i_would live; and_the servants I had brought with me ordered and arranged everything, and I had no more trouble . I_did_not care what they_did provided i_was left in peace and was not expected to_give directions; for i_was more listless than ever, owing to_the effects of_my illness at college .

I dined in solitary state, and_the melancholy grandeur of_the vast old dining- room pleased me . then I went to_the room I had selected for_my study, and sat down in a deep chair, under a bright light, to_think, or to let my thoughts meander through labyrinths of_their own choosing, utterly indifferent to_the course they_might take .

the tall windows of_the room opened to_the level of_the ground upon_the terrace at_the head of_the garden . it_was in_the end of July, and everything was open, for_the weather was warm . as I sat alone I heard the unceasing splash of_the great fountains, and I fell to thinking of_the woman of_the water .I rose and went out into_the still night, and sat down upon a seat on_the terrace, between two gigantic Italian flower pots . the air was deliciously soft and sweet with_the smell of_the flowers, and_the garden was more congenial to_me than_the house . sad people always like running water and_the sound of it at night, though I_cannot tell why .I sat and listened in_the gloom, for it_was dark below, and_the pale moon had_not yet climbed over the hills in front of me, though all the air above was light with her rising beams . slowly the white halo in_the eastern sky ascended in an arch above the wooded crests, making the outlines of_the mountains more intensely black by contrast, as_though the head of some great white saint were rising from behind a screen in a vast cathedral, throwing misty glories from below .I longed to_see the moon herself, and I tried to reckon the seconds before she_must appear . then she sprang up quickly, and in a moment more hung round and perfect in_the sky .I gazed at her, and then at_the floating spray of_the tall fountains, and down at_the pools, where the water lilies were rocking softly in their sleep on_the

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