the little Frenchman and_his water Lots

by George Pope Morris (1802-1864)

[ from_the little Frenchman and_his water Lots, with other Sketches of_the Times (1839), by George Pope Morris .]

look into those they call unfortunate, and, closer view'd, you'll find they_are unwise .--_Young .

let wealth come in by comely thrift, and not by any foolish shift: 'Tis haste Makes waste: who gripes too hard the dry and slippery sand Holds none at all, or little, in_his hand .--_Herrick .

let well alone .--_Proverb .

how_much real comfort every_one might enjoy if he_would_be contented with_the lot in_which heaven has cast him, and how_much trouble would_be avoided if people would only " let well alone ." a moderate independence, quietly and honestly procured, is certainly every way preferable even to immense possessions achieved by_the wear and tear of mind and body so necessary to procure them . yet there_are very few individuals, let them be doing ever so_well in_the_world, who_are_not always straining every nerve to_do better; and this_is one_of_the many causes why failures in business so frequently occur among us . the present generation seem unwilling to " realize" by slow and sure degrees; but choose rather to set their whole hopes upon a single cast, which either makes or Mars them forever !

gentle reader, do_you remember Monsieur Poopoo ? he used to_keep a small toy- store in Chatham, near the corner of pearl street . you_must recollect him, of_course . he lived there for many years, and was one_of_the_most polite and accommodating of shopkeepers . when a juvenile, you_have bought tops and marbles of him a thousand times . to_be_sure you_have; and seen his vinegar- visage lighted up with a smile as_you flung him the coppers; and you_have laughed at his little straight queue and_his dimity breeches, and all the other oddities that made up the every- day apparel of_my little Frenchman .Ah, I perceive you recollect him now .

well, then, there lived Monsieur Poopoo ever_since he_came from " dear, delightful Paris," as he_was wont to_call the city of_his nativity-- there he_took in_the pennies for_his kickshaws-- there he laid aside five thousand dollars against a rainy day-- there he_was as happy as a lark-- and there, in all human probability, he would_have_been to_this very day, a respected and substantial citizen, had he been willing to " let well alone ." but Monsieur Poopoo had heard strange stories about_the prodigious rise in real estate; and, having understood that most of_his neighbors had become suddenly rich by speculating in lots, he instantly grew dissatisfied with_his own lot, forthwith determined to shut up shop, turn everything into cash, and set about making money in right- down earnest . no sooner said than done; and_our quondam storekeeper a few_days afterward attended an extensive sale of real estate, at_the Merchants' exchange .

there_was the auctioneer, with_his beautiful and inviting lithographic maps-- all the lots as smooth and square and enticingly laid out as possible-- and there were the speculators-- and there, in_the midst of_them, stood Monsieur Poopoo .

" here they_are, gentlemen," said he of_the hammer, " the most valuable lots ever offered for sale . give_me a bid for_them ! "

" one hundred each," said a bystander .

" one hundred ! " said the auctioneer, " scarcely enough to_pay for_the maps . one hundred-- going-- and fifty-- gone ! Mr H ., they_are yours .a noble purchase . you'll sell those same lots in less_than a fortnight for fifty thousand dollars profit ! "

Monsieur Poopoo pricked up his ears at_this, and was lost in astonishment . this_was a much easier way certainly of accumulating riches than selling toys in Chatham street, and he determined to_buy and mend his fortune without delay .

the auctioneer proceeded in_his sale . other parcels were offered and disposed of, and all the purchasers were promised immense advantages for their enterprise . at last came a more valuable parcel than all the rest . the company pressed around the stand, and Monsieur Poopoo did the same .

"I now offer you, gentlemen, these magnificent lots, delightfully situated on Long_Island, with valuable water privileges . property in fee-- title indisputable-- terms of sale, cash--deeds ready for delivery immediately after_the sale . how_much for_them ? give them a start at something . how_much ? " the auctioneer looked around; there were no bidders . at last he caught the eye of Monsieur Poopoo ." did you say one hundred, sir ? beautiful lots-- valuable water privileges-- shall I_say one hundred for_you ? "

"_Oui, monsieur_; i_will give_you von hundred dollar apiece, for de lot vid de valuarble vatare privalege; c' EST ca ."

" only_one hundred apiece for_these sixty valuable lots-- only_one hundred-- going-- going-- going-- gone ! "

Monsieur Poopoo was_the fortunate possessor . the auctioneer congratulated him-- the sale closed-- and_the company dispersed .

"_Pardonnez-moi, monsieur_," said Poopoo, as_the auctioneer descended his pedestal, " you shall excusez-moi_, if I_shall go to votre bureau_, your counting- house, ver quick to_make every ting sure wid respec to de lot vid de valuarble vatare privalege .Von leetle bird in de hand he vorth two in de tree, c' EST vrai_--eh ? "

" certainly, sir ."

"Vell den, allons ."

and_the gentlemen repaired to_the counting- house, where the six thousand dollars were paid, and_the deeds of_the property delivered .Monsieur Poopoo put these carefully in_his pocket, and as he_was about taking his leave, the auctioneer made him a present of_the lithographic outline of_the lots, which_was a very liberal thing on_his part, considering the map was a beautiful specimen of_that glorious art .Poopoo could_not admire it sufficiently . there were his sixty lots, as uniform as possible, and_his little gray eyes sparkled like diamonds as_they wandered from one end of_the spacious sheet to_the other .

Poopoo's heart was as light as a feather, and he snapped his fingers in_the very wantonness of joy as he repaired to Delmonico's, and ordered the first good French dinner that had gladdened his palate since his arrival in America .

after having discussed his repast, and washed it down with a bottle of choice old claret, he resolved upon a visit to Long_Island to view his purchase . he consequently immediately hired a horse and gig, crossed the Brooklyn ferry, and drove along the margin of_the river to_the Wallabout, the location in_question .

our friend, however, was not a little perplexed to_find his property . everything on_the map was as fair and even as possible, while all the grounds about him were as undulated as they_could well be imagined, and there_was an elbow of_the east river thrusting itself quite into_the ribs of_the land, which seemed to_have no business there . this puzzled the Frenchman exceedingly; and, being a stranger in those parts, he_called to a farmer in an adjacent field .

"_Mon ami_, are_you acquaint vid dis part of de country--eh ? "

" yes, i_was born here, and know every inch of it ."

"Ah, c' EST bien_, dat vill do," and_the Frenchman got out_of_the gig, tied the horse, and produced his lithographic map .

" den maybe you vill have de kindness to show me de sixty lot vich I_have bought, vid de valuarble vatare privalege ? "

the farmer glanced his eye over the paper .

" yes, sir, with pleasure; if_you_will_be good enough to_get into my boat, i_will row you out to_them ! "

" vat dat you say, sure ? "

" my friend," said the farmer, " this section of Long_Island has recently been bought up by_the speculators of New_York, and laid out for a great city; but the principal street is only visible at low tide . when_this part of_the east river is filled up, it_will_be just there . your lots, as_you_will perceive, are beyond it; and_are now all under water ."

at first the Frenchman was incredulous . he_could_not believe his senses . as_the facts, however, gradually broke upon him, he shut one eye, squinted obliquely at_the heavens--- the river-- the farmer-- and then he turned away and squinted at them all over again ! there_was his purchase sure enough; but then it could_not_be perceived for there_was a river flowing over it ! he drew a box from_his waistcoat pocket, opened it, with an emphatic knock upon_the lid, took a pinch of snuff and restored it to_his waistcoat pocket as before .Poopoo was evidently in trouble, having "thoughts which often lie too deep for tears"; and, as his grief was also too big for words, he untied his horse, jumped into his gig, and returned to_the auctioneer in hot haste .

it_was near night when he arrived at_the auction- room-- his horse in a foam and himself in a fury . the auctioneer was leaning back in_his chair, with_his legs stuck out of a low window, quietly smoking a cigar after_the labors of_the day, and humming the music from_the last new opera .

"Monsieur, I_have much plaisir to fin' you, chez vous_, at home ."

"Ah, Poopoo ! glad_to_see you . take a seat, old boy ."

" but I_shall_not take de seat, sare ."

" no-- why, what's the matter ? "

"Oh, beaucoup de matter . I_have_been to_see de gran lot vot you sell me to- day ."

" well, sir, I_hope you like your purchase ? "

" no, monsieur, I no like him ."

"I'm sorry for_it; but there_is no ground for your complaint ."

" no, sare; dare is no ground at all--de ground is all vatare ! "

" you joke ! "

"I no joke .I nevare joke; je n'entends pas la raillerie_, Sare, _voulez-vous have de kindness to_give_me back de money vot I pay ! "

" certainly not ."

" den vill you be so good as to_take de east river off de top of_my lot ? "

" that's your business, sir, not mine ."

" den I make von mauvaise affaire_--von gran mistake ! "

" I_hope not .I don't think you_have thrown your money away in_the _land ."

" no, sare; but I tro it avay in de vatare ! "

" that's not my fault ."

" yes, sare, but it_is your fault . you're von ver gran rascal to swindle me out of de l' argent ."

"Hello, old Poopoo, you grow personal; and if_you_can't keep a civil tongue in your head, you_must go out of_my counting- room ."

"Vare shall I go to, eh ? "

" to_the devil, for aught I care, you foolish old Frenchman ! " said the auctioneer, waxing warm .

" but, sare, I vill not go to de devil to oblige you ! " replied the Frenchman, waxing warmer ." you sheat me out of all de dollar vot I make in Shatham street; but I vill not go to de devil for all dat .I vish you_may go to de devil yourself you dem Yankee-doo-dell, and I vill go and drown myself, tout de suite_, right avay ."

" you couldn't make a better use of your water privileges, old boy ! "

"Ah, misericorde ! Ah, mon dieu, je suis abime . I_am ruin ! I_am done up ! I_am break all into ten sousan leetle pieces ! I_am von lame duck, and I_shall vaddle across de gran ocean for Paris, vish is de only valuarble vatare privalege dat is left me a present ! "

poor Poopoo was as good as his word . he sailed in_the next packet, and arrived in Paris almost as penniless as_the day he left it .

should any_one feel disposed to doubt the veritable circumstances here recorded, let him cross the east river to_the Wallabout, and farmer J---- will row him out to_the very place where the poor Frenchman's lots still remain under water .