Under the Knife by H.G. Wells
Section [1 | 2]
under the knife

by H .G .Wells

" what if I die under it ? " the thought recurred again and again, as I walked home from Haddon's . it_was a purely personal question . i_was spared the deep anxieties of a married man, and I_knew there were few of_my intimate friends but would find my death troublesome chiefly on account of_their duty of regret . i_was surprised indeed, and perhaps a little humiliated, as I turned the matter over, to_think how few could possibly exceed the conventional requirement . things came before me stripped of glamour, in a clear dry light, during that walk from Haddon's house over primrose hill . there were the friends of_my youth: I perceived now that_our affection was a tradition, which we foregathered rather laboriously to maintain . there were the rivals and helpers of_my later career: I suppose I had_been cold- blooded or undemonstrative-- one perhaps implies the other . it may_be that even the capacity for friendship is a question of physique . there had_been a time in my own life when I had grieved bitterly enough at_the loss of a friend; but as I walked home that afternoon the emotional side of_my imagination was dormant . I_could_not pity myself, nor feel sorry for_my friends, nor conceive of_them as grieving for_me .

i_was interested in_this deadness of_my emotional nature-- no_doubt a concomitant of_my stagnating physiology; and my thoughts wandered off along the line it suggested . once before, in my hot youth, I had suffered a sudden loss of blood, and had_been within an ace of death .I remembered now that my affections as_well as my passions had drained out of me, leaving scarce anything but a tranquil resignation, a dreg of self- pity . it had_been weeks before_the old ambitions and tendernesses and all the complex moral interplay of a man had reasserted themselves . it occurred to_me that_the real meaning of_this numbness might_be a gradual slipping away from_the pleasure- pain guidance of_the animal man . it_has_been proven, I take it, as thoroughly as anything can_be proven in_this world, that_the higher emotions, the moral feelings, even the subtle unselfishness of love, are evolved from_the elemental desires and fears of_the simple animal: they_are the harness in_which man's mental freedom goes . and it may_be that as death overshadows us, as our possibility of acting diminishes, this complex growth of balanced impulse, propensity and aversion, whose interplay inspires our acts, goes with it . leaving what ?

i_was suddenly brought back to reality by an imminent collision with_the butcher- boy's tray . I_found that i_was crossing the bridge over the regent's park canal, which runs parallel with_that in_the zoological Gardens . the boy in blue had_been looking over his shoulder at a black barge advancing slowly, towed by agaunt white horse . in_the Gardens a nurse was leading three happy little children over the bridge . the trees were bright green; the spring hopefulness was still unstained by_the dusts of summer; the sky in_the water was bright and clear, but broken by long waves, by quivering bands of black, as_the barge drove through . the breeze was stirring; but it did_not stir me as_the spring breeze used to_do .

was_this dulness of feeling in itself an anticipation ? it_was curious that I_could reason and follow out a network of suggestion as clearly as ever: so, at_least, it seemed to_me . it_was calmness rather than dulness that was coming upon me . was there any ground for_the relief in_the presentiment of death ? did a man near to death begin instinctively to withdraw himself from_the meshes of matter and sense, even before_the cold hand was laid upon his ? I_felt strangely isolated-- isolated without regret-- from_the life and existence about me . the children playing in_the sun and gathering strength and experience for_the business of life, the park- keeper gossiping with a nursemaid, the nursing mother, the young couple intent upon each_other as_they passed me, the trees by_the wayside spreading new pleading leaves to_the sunlight, the stir in their branches--I had_been part of it all, but I had nearly done with it now .

some way down the broad walk I perceived that i_was tired, and_that my feet were heavy . it_was hot that afternoon, and I turned aside and sat down on one_of_the green chairs that line the way . in a minute I had dozed into a dream, and_the tide of_my thoughts washed up a vision of_the resurrection . i_was still sitting in_the chair, but i_thought myself actually dead, withered, tattered, dried, one eye ( I_saw) pecked out by birds ." awake ! " cried a voice; and incontinently the dust of_the path and_the mould under the grass became insurgent .I had never before thought of regent's park as a cemetery, but now, through_the trees, stretching as far as eye could_see, I beheld a flat plain of writhing graves and heeling tombstones . there seemed to_be some trouble: the rising dead appeared to stifle as_they struggled upward, they bled in their struggles, the red flesh was torn away from_the white bones ." awake ! " cried a voice; but I determined i_would_not rise to such horrors ." awake ! " they_would not let me alone ." wake up ! " said an angry voice .a cockney angel ! the man who sells the tickets was shaking me, demanding my penny .

I paid my penny, pocketed my ticket, yawned, stretched my legs, and, feeling now rather less torpid, got up and walked on towards Langham place .I speedily lost myself again in ashifting maze of thoughts about death . going across Marylebone road into that crescent at_the end of Langham place, I had the narrowest escape from_the shaft of a cab, and went on my way with apalpitating heart and a bruised shoulder . it struck me that_it would_have_been curious if_my meditations on my death on_the morrow had led to my death that day .

but i_will_not weary you with more of_my experiences that day and_the next . I_knew more and more certainly that i_should die under the operation; at times i_think i_was inclined to pose to myself . the doctors were coming at eleven, and I_did_not get up . it seemed scarce worth while to trouble about washing and dressing, and though I_read my newspapers and_the letters that came by_the first post, I_did_not find them very interesting . there_was a friendly note from Addison, my old school- friend, calling my attention to two discrepancies and a printer's error in my new book, with one from Langridge venting some vexation over Minton . the rest were business communications .I breakfasted in bed . the glow of pain at my side seemed more massive . I_knew it_was pain, and yet, if_you_can understand, I_did_not find it very painful .I had_been awake and hot and thirsty in_the night, but in_the morning bed felt comfortable . in_the night- time I had lain thinking of things that were past; in_the morning I dozed over the question of immortality .Haddon came, punctual to_the minute, with a neat black bag; and Mowbray soon followed . their arrival stirred me up a little .I began to_take a more personal interest in_the proceedings .Haddon moved the little octagonal table close to_the bedside, and, with_his broad back to_me, began taking things out of_his bag .I heard the light click of steel upon steel . my imagination, I_found, was not altogether stagnant ." will_you hurt me much ? " I_said in an off- hand tone .

" not a bit," Haddon answered over his shoulder ." we_shall chloroform you . your heart's as sound as a bell ." and as he spoke, I had a whiff of_the pungent sweetness of_the anaesthetic .

they stretched me out, with a convenient exposure of_my side, and, almost before I realised what_was happening, the chloroform was being administered . it stings the nostrils, and there_is asuffocating sensation at first . I_knew i_should die-- that_this was_the end of consciousness for_me . and suddenly I_felt that i_was not prepared for death: I had a vague sense of a duty overlooked-- I_knew not what . what_was it I had_not done ? I_could think of nothing more to_do, nothing desirable left in life; and yet I had the strangest disinclination to death . and_the physical sensation was painfully oppressive . of_course the doctors did_not know they were going to kill me . possibly I struggled . then I fell motionless, and a great silence, a monstrous silence, and an impenetrable blackness came upon me .

there must_have been an interval of absolute unconsciousness, seconds or minutes . then with a chilly, unemotional clearness, I perceived that i_was not yet dead . i_was still in my body; but all the multitudinous sensations that come sweeping from_it to_make up the background of consciousness had gone, leaving me free of it all . no, not free of it all; for as_yet something still held me to_the poor stark flesh upon_the bed--held me, yet not so closely that I_did_not feel myself external to_it, independent of it, straining away from_it . I_do_not_think I_saw, I_do_not_think I heard; but I perceived all that was going on, and it_was as_if I both heard and saw .Haddon was bending over me, Mowbray behind me; the scalpel-- it_was a large scalpel-- was cutting my flesh at_the side under the flying ribs . it_was interesting to_see myself cut like cheese, without a pang, without even a qualm . the interest was much of a quality with_that one might feel in a game of chess between strangers .Haddon's face was firm and_his hand steady; but i_was surprised to perceive (_how I_know not) that he_was feeling the gravest doubt as to_his own wisdom in_the conduct of_the

operation .

Mowbray's thoughts, too, I could_see . he_was thinking that Haddon's manner showed too_much of_the specialist . new suggestions came up like bubbles through a stream of frothing meditation, and burst one after another in_the little bright spot of_his consciousness . he_could_not help noticing and admiring Haddon's swift dexterity, in_spite of_his envious quality and_his disposition to detract . I_saw my liver exposed . i_was puzzled at my own condition . I_did_not feel that i_was dead, but i_was different in some way from my living self . the grey depression, that had weighed on me for a year or more and coloured all my thoughts, was gone .I perceived and thought without any emotional tint at all .I wondered if everyone perceived things in_this_way under chloroform, and forgot it again when he_came out of it . it would_be inconvenient to look into some heads, and not forget .

although I_did_not think that i_was dead, I still perceived quite clearly that i_was soon to die . this brought me back to_the consideration of Haddon's proceedings .I looked into his mind, and saw that he_was afraid of cutting a branch of_the portal vein . my attention was distracted from details by_the curious changes going on in_his mind . his consciousness was like the quivering little spot of light which_is thrown by_the mirror of a galvanometer . his thoughts ran under it like a stream, some through_the focus bright and distinct, some shadowy in_the half- light of_the edge . just now the little glow was steady; but the least movement on Mowbray's part, the slightest sound from outside, even a faint difference in_the slow movement of_the living flesh he_was cutting, set the light- spot shivering and spinning .a new sense- impression came rushing up through_the flow of thoughts; and lo ! the light- spot jerked away towards it, swifter than a frightened fish . it_was wonderful to_think that upon that unstable, fitful thing depended all the complex motions of_the man; that for_the next five minutes, therefore, my life hung upon its movements . and he_was growing more and more nervous in_his work . it_was as_if a little picture of a cut vein grew brighter, and struggled to oust from_his brain another picture of a cut falling short of_the mark . he_was afraid: his dread of cutting too little was battling with_his dread of cutting too far .

then, suddenly, like an escape of water from under a lock- gate, a great uprush of horrible realisation set all his thoughts swirling, and simultaneously I perceived that_the vein was cut . he started back with a hoarse exclamation, and I_saw the brown- purple blood gather in a swift bead, and run trickling . he_was horrified . he pitched the red- stained scalpel on to_the octagonal table; and instantly both doctors flung themselves upon me, making hasty and ill- conceived efforts to remedy the disaster ." ice ! " said Mowbray, gasping . but I_knew that i_was killed, though my body still clung to_me .

i_will_not describe their belated endeavours to save me, though I perceived every detail . my perceptions were sharper and swifter than they had ever been in life; my thoughts rushed through my mind with incredible swiftness, but with perfect definition . I_can only compare their crowded clarity to_the effects of a reasonable dose of opium . in a moment it would all be over, and i_should_be free . I_knew i_was immortal, but what would happen I_did_not know . should I drift off presently, like a puff of smoke from a gun, in some kind of half- material body, an attenuated version of_my material self ? should I_find myself suddenly among_the innumerable hosts of_the dead, and know the world about me for_the phantasmagoria it had always seemed ? should I drift to some spiritualistic sance_, and there make foolish, incomprehensible attempts to affect a purblind medium ? it_was a state of unemotional curiosity, of colourless expectation . and then I realised agrowing stress upon me, afeeling as_though some huge human magnet was drawing me upward out of_my body . the stress grew and grew .I seemed an atom for_which monstrous forces were fighting . for_one brief, terrible moment sensation came back to_me . that feeling of falling headlong which comes in nightmares, that feeling a thousand times intensified, that and a black horror swept across my thoughts in a torrent . then the two doctors, the naked body with its cut side, the little room, swept away from under me and vanished, as a speck of foam vanishes down an eddy .

i_was in mid- air . far below was_the west end of London, receding rapidly,-- for I seemed to_be flying swiftly upward,-- and as it receded, passing westward like a panorama .I could_see, through_the faint haze of smoke, the innumerable roofs chimney- set, the narrow roadways, stippled with people and conveyances, the little specks of squares, and_the church steeples like thorns sticking out_of_the fabric . but it spun away as_the earth rotated on its axis, and in a few seconds ( as it seemed) i_was over the scattered clumps of town about Ealing, the little Thames a thread of blue to_the south, and_the Chiltern Hills and_the north Downs coming up like the rim of a basin, far away and faint with haze . up I rushed . and at first I had_not the faintest conception what this headlong rush upward could mean .

every moment the circle of scenery beneath me grew wider and wider, and_the details of town and field, of hill and valley, got more and more hazy and pale and indistinct, a luminous grey was mingled more and more with_the blue of_the hills and_the green of_the open meadows; and a little patch of cloud, low and far to_the west, shone ever more dazzlingly white . above, as_the veil of atmosphere between myself and outer space grew thinner, the sky, which had_been a fair springtime blue at first, grew deeper and richer in colour, passing steadily through_the intervening shades, until presently it_was as dark as_the blue sky of midnight, and presently as

Section [1 | 2]