The Truth about Pyecraft by H.G. Wells
Section [1 | 2]
the truth about Pyecraft

by H .G .Wells

he sits not a dozen yards away . if I glance over my shoulder I_can_see him . and if I catch his eye-- and usually I catch his eye-- it meets me with an expression----

it_is mainly an imploring look-- and yet with suspicion in_it .

confound his suspicion ! if i_wanted to_tell on him i_should_have told long_ago .I don't tell and I don't tell, and he ought to_feel at his ease . as_if anything so gross and fat as he_could feel at ease ! who_would believe me if I_did tell ?

poor old Pyecraft ! great, uneasy jelly of substance ! the fattest clubman in London .

he sits at one_of_the little club tables in_the huge bay by_the fire, stuffing . what_is he stuffing ? I glance judiciously, and catch him biting at a round of hot buttered teacake, with_his eyes on me . confound him ! -- with_his eyes on me !

that settles it, Pyecraft ! since you_will_be abject, since you _will behave as_though i_was not a man of honour, here, right under your embedded eyes, I write the thing down-- the plain truth about Pyecraft . the man I helped, the man I shielded, and who has requited me by making my club unendurable, absolutely unendurable, with_his liquid appeal, with_the perpetual "don't tell" of_his looks .

and, besides, why does he keep on eternally eating ?

well, here goes for_the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth !

Pyecraft---- . I_made the acquaintance of Pyecraft in_this very smoking- room . i_was a young, nervous new member, and he_saw it . i_was sitting all alone, wishing I_knew more of_the members, and suddenly he_came, a great rolling front of chins and abdomina, towards me, and grunted and sat down in a chair close by me and wheezed for a space, and scraped for a space with a match and lit a cigar, and then addressed me .I forget what he_said-- something about_the matches not lighting properly, and afterwards as he talked he kept stopping the waiters one by one as_they went by, and telling them about_the matches in_that thin, fluty voice he has . but, anyhow, it_was in some such way we began our talking .

he talked about various things and came round to games . and thence to my figure and complexion ."_You ought_to_be a good cricketer," he_said .I suppose I_am slender, slender to what some people would call lean, and I suppose I_am rather dark, still---- I_am not ashamed of having aHindu great- grandmother, but, for all that, I don't want casual strangers to_see through me at a glance to her . so_that i_was set against Pyecraft from_the beginning .

but he only talked about me in_order to_get to himself .

"I expect," he_said, " you take no more exercise than I_do, and probably you eat no less ." ( like all excessively obese people he fancied he ate nothing .) " yet"-- and he smiled an oblique smile--" we differ ."

and then he began to_talk about his fatness and_his fatness; all he_did for_his fatness and all he_was going to_do for_his fatness; what people had advised him to_do for_his fatness and what he had heard of people doing for fatness similar to_his ."_A priori_," he_said, " one would think a question of nutrition could_be answered by dietary and a question of assimilation by drugs ." it_was stifling . it_was dumpling talk . it made me feel swelled to hear him .

one stands that sort of thing once in a way at a club, but a time came when I fancied i_was standing too_much . he_took to_me altogether too conspicuously . I_could never go into_the smoking- room but he_would come wallowing towards me, and sometimes he_came and gormandised round and about me while I had my lunch . he_seemed at times almost to_be clinging to_me . he_was a bore, but not so fearful a bore as to_be limited to_me and from_the first there_was something in_his manner-- almost as_though he_knew, almost as_though he penetrated to_the fact that I might_-- that there_was a remote, exceptional chance in me that no one else presented .

"I'd give anything to_get it down," he_would say--" anything," and peer at me over his vast cheeks and pant . poor old Pyecraft ! he has just gonged; no_doubt to order another buttered teacake !

he_came to_the actual thing one day ." our pharmacopoeia," he_said, " our western pharmacopoeia, is anything but the last word of medical science . in_the east, I've been told----"

he stopped and stared at me . it_was like being at an aquarium .

i_was quite suddenly angry with_him ." look here," I_said, " who told you about_my great- grandmother's recipes ? "

" well," he fenced .

" every time we've met for a week," I_said--" and we've met pretty often-- you've given me a broad hint or so about_that little secret of_mine ."

" well," he_said, " now the cat's out_of_the bag, I'll admit, yes, it_is so .I had it----"

" from Pattison ? "

" indirectly," he_said, which I believe was lying, " yes ."

"Pattison," I_said, " took that stuff at his own risk ." he pursed his mouth and bowed .

" my great- grandmother's recipes," I_said, " are queer things to handle . my father was near making me promise----"

" he didn't ? "

" no . but he warned me . he himself used one-- once ."

"Ah ! .. . but do_you_think---- ? suppose-- suppose there did happen to_be one----"

" the things are curious documents," I_said ." even the smell of 'em .. . no ! "

but after going so_far Pyecraft was resolved i_should go farther . i_was always a little afraid if I tried his patience too_much he_would fall on me suddenly and smother me .I own i_was weak . but i_was also annoyed with Pyecraft .I had got to_that state of feeling for him that disposed me to_say, " well, take_the risk ! " the little affair of Pattison to_which I_have alluded was a different matter altogether . what it_was doesn't concern us now, but I_knew, anyhow, that_the particular recipe I used then was safe . the rest I didn't know so_much about, and, on_the whole, i_was inclined to doubt their safety pretty completely .

yet even if Pyecraft got poisoned----

I_must confess the poisoning of Pyecraft struck me as an immense undertaking .

that evening i_took that queer, odd- scented sandal- wood box out of_my safe, and turned the rustling skins over . the gentleman who wrote the recipes for_my great- grandmother evidently had a weakness for skins of a miscellaneous origin, and_his handwriting was cramped to_the last degree . some_of_the things are quite unreadable to_me-- though my family, with its Indian civil service associations, has kept up a knowledge of Hindustani from generation to generation-- and none are absolutely plain sailing . but I_found the one that I_knew was there soon enough, and sat on_the floor by my safe for some_time looking at it .

" look here," said I to Pyecraft next_day, and snatched the slip away from_his eager grasp .

" so_far as I_can make it out, this_is a recipe for loss of weight .("Ah ! " said Pyecraft .) I'm not absolutely sure, but i_think it's that . and if_you take my advice you'll leave it alone . because, you_know--I blacken my blood in your interest, Pyecraft-- my ancestors on_that side were, so_far as I_can gather, a jolly queer lot . see ? "

" let me try it," said Pyecraft .

I leant back in my chair . my imagination made one mighty effort and fell flat within me ." what in heaven's name, Pyecraft," I asked, " do_you_think you'll look like when_you get thin ? "

he_was impervious to reason, I_made him promise never to_say a word to_me about his disgusting fatness again whatever happened-- never, and then I handed him that little piece of skin .

" it's nasty stuff," I_said .

" no matter," he_said, and took it .

he goggled at it ." but-- but--" he_said

he had just discovered that_it wasn't English .

" to_the best of_my ability," I_said, " i_will do_you a translation ."

I_did my best . after_that we didn't speak for a fortnight . whenever he approached me I frowned and motioned him away, and he respected our compact, but at_the end of_the fortnight he_was as fat as ever . and then he got a word in .

" I_must speak," he_said, " it isn't fair . there's something wrong . it's done me no good . you're not doing your great- grandmother justice ."

" where's the recipe ? "

he produced it gingerly from_his pocket- book .

I ran my eye over the items ." was_the egg addled ? " I asked .

" no . ought it to_have_been ? "

" that," I_said, "goes without saying in all my poor dear great- grandmother's recipes . when condition or quality is_not specified you_must get the worst . she was drastic or nothing .. . and there's one_or_two possible alternatives to some_of_these other things . you got fresh_ rattlesnake venom ? "

"I got a rattlesnake from Jamrach's . it cost-- it cost----"

" that's your affair anyhow . this last item----"

" I_know a man who----"

" yes .H'm . well, I'll write the alternatives down . so_far as I_know the language, the spelling of_this recipe is particularly atrocious . by- the- by, dog here probably means pariah dog ."

for a month after_that I_saw Pyecraft constantly at_the club and as fat and anxious as ever . he kept our treaty, but at times he broke the spirit of it by shaking his head despondently . then one day in_the cloakroom he_said, " your great- grandmother----"

" not a word against her," I_said; and he held his peace .

I_could_have fancied he had desisted, and I_saw him one day talking to three new members about his fatness as_though he_was in search of other recipes . and then, quite unexpectedly, his telegram came .

" Mr Formalyn ! " bawled a page- boy under my nose, and i_took the telegram and opened it at once .

"_For heaven's sake come .--_Pyecraft ."

"H'm," said I, and to_tell the truth i_was so pleased at_the rehabilitation of_my great- grandmother's reputation this evidently promised that I_made a most excellent lunch .

I got Pyecraft's address from_the hall porter .Pyecraft inhabited the upper half of a house in Bloomsbury, and I went there so soon as I had done my coffee and Trappistine . I_did_not wait to finish my cigar .

" Mr Pyecraft ? " said I, at_the front door .

they believed he_was ill; he hadn't been out for two days .

" he expects me," said I, and_they sent me up .

I rang the bell at_the lattice- door upon_the landing .

" he shouldn't have tried it, anyhow," I_said to myself ."A man who eats like a Pig ought to look like a Pig ."

an obviously worthy woman, with an anxious face and a carelessly placed cap, came and surveyed me through_the lattice .

I_gave my name and she let me in in a dubious fashion .

" well ? " said I, as_we stood together inside Pyecraft's piece of_the landing .

"'E said you was to_come in if_you came," she said, and regarded me, making no motion to show me anywhere . and then, confidentially, "'E's locked in, sir ."

"Locked in ? "

"Locked 'imself in yesterday morning and 'asn't let any_one in since, sir . and ever and again swearing .Oh, my ! "

I stared at_the door she indicated by her glances ." in there ? " I_said .

" yes, sir ."

" what's up ? "

she shook her head sadly ."'E keeps on calling for vittles, sir .'_Eavy vittles 'e wants .I get ' im what I_can . pork 'e's had, sooit puddin', sossiges, noo bread .Everythink like that . left outside, if_you please, and me go away .'E's eatin', sir, somethink awful ."

there came apiping bawl from inside the door: " that Formalyn ? "

" that you, Pyecraft ? " I shouted, and went and banged the door .

" tell her to_go away ."

I_did .

then I_could hear a curious pattering upon_the door, almost like some one feeling for_the handle in_the dark, and Pyecraft's familiar grunts .

" it's all right," I_said, " she's gone ."

but for_a_long_time the door didn't open .

I heard the key turn . then Pyecraft's voice said, " come in ."

I turned the handle and opened the door . naturally I expected to_see Pyecraft .

well, you_know, he wasn't there !

I never had such a shock in my life . there_was his sitting- room in a state of untidy disorder, plates and dishes among_the books and writing things, and several chairs overturned, but Pyecraft----

" it's all right, old man; shut the door," he_said, and then I discovered him .

there he_was, right up close to_the cornice in_the corner by_the door, as_though some one had glued him to_the ceiling . his face was anxious and angry . he panted and gesticulated ." shut the door," he_said ." if_that woman gets hold of it----"

I shut the door, and went and stood away from_him and stared .

" if anything gives way and you tumble down," I_said, " you'll break your neck, Pyecraft ."

" i_wish I_could," he wheezed .

"A man of your age and weight getting up_to kiddish gymnastics----"

"Don't," he_said, and looked agonised .

"I'll tell you," he_said, and gesticulated .

" how the deuce," said I, " are_you holding on up there ? "

and then abruptly I realised that he_was not holding on at all, that he_was floating up there-- just as a gas- filled bladder might_have floated in_the same position . he began a struggle to thrust himself away from_the ceiling and to clamber down the wall to_me ." it's that prescription," he panted, as he_did so ." your great-gran----"

he_took hold of a framed engraving rather carelessly as he spoke and it gave way, and he flew back to_the ceiling again, while the picture smashed on to_the sofa . bump he went against the ceiling, and I_knew

Section [1 | 2]