The Truth about Pyecraft by H.G. Wells
Section [1 | 2]
I_knew then why he_was all over white on_the more salient curves and angles of_his person . he tried again more carefully, coming down by way of_the mantel .

it_was really a most extraordinary spectacle, that great, fat, apoplectic- looking man upside down and trying to_get from_the ceiling to_the floor ." that prescription," he_said ." too successful ."

" how ? "

" loss of weight-- almost complete ."

and then, of_course, I understood .

" by Jove, Pyecraft," said I, " what you_wanted was a cure for fatness ! but you always called it weight . you_would call it weight ."

somehow i_was extremely delighted .I quite liked Pyecraft for_the_time ." let me help_you ! " I_said, and took his hand and pulled him down . he kicked about, trying to_get foothold somewhere . it_was very like holding a flag on a windy day .

" that table," he_said, pointing, " is solid mahogany and very heavy . if_you_can put me under that----"

I_did, and there he wallowed about like a captive balloon, while I stood on_his hearthrug and talked to him .

I lit a cigar ." tell me," I_said, " what happened ? "

" i_took it," he_said .

" how did it taste ? "

"Oh, beastly ! "

i_should fancy they all did . whether one regards the ingredients or the probable compound or the possible results, almost all my great- grandmother's remedies appear to_me at_least to_be extraordinarily uninviting . for_my own part----

" i_took a little sip first ."

" yes ? "

" and as I_felt lighter and better after an hour, I decided to take_the draught ."

" my dear Pyecraft ! "

"I held my nose," he explained ." and then I kept on getting lighter and lighter-- and helpless, you_know ."

he_gave way suddenly to a burst of passion ." what the goodness am I to _do ? " he_said .

" there's one_thing pretty evident," I_said, " that you mustn't do . if_you go out of doors you'll go up and up ." I waved an arm upward ." they'd have to send Santos-Dumont after you to bring you down again ."

"I suppose it_will wear off ? "

I shook my head ."I don't think you_can count on_that," I_said .

and then there_was another burst of passion, and he kicked out at adjacent chairs and banged the floor . he behaved just as i_should_have expected a great, fat, self- indulgent man to behave under trying circumstances-- that_is_to_say, very badly . he spoke of me and of_my great- grandmother with an utter want of discretion .

"I never asked you to take_the stuff," I_said .

and generously disregarding the insults he_was putting upon me, I sat down in_his armchair and began to_talk to him in a sober, friendly fashion .

I pointed out to him that_this was a trouble he had brought upon himself, and_that it had almost an air of poetical justice . he had eaten too_much . this he disputed, and for a time we argued the point .

he became noisy and violent, so I desisted from_this aspect of_his lesson ." and then," said I, " you committed the sin of euphuism . you called it, not fat, which_is just and inglorious, but weight . you----"

he interrupted to_say that he recognised all that . what_was he to _do ?

I suggested he_should adapt himself to_his new conditions . so we came to_the really sensible part of_the business .I suggested that_it would_not_be difficult for him to learn to walk about on_the ceiling with_his hands----

" I_can't sleep," he_said .

but that was no great difficulty . it_was quite possible, I pointed out, to_make a shake- up under a wire mattress, fasten the under things on with tapes, and_have a blanket, sheet, and coverlet to button at_the side . he_would_have to confide in_his housekeeper, I_said; and after some squabbling he agreed to_that .(Afterwards it_was quite delightful to_see the beautifully matter- of- fact way with_which the good lady took all these amazing inversions .) he could_have a library ladder in_his room, and all his meals could_be laid on_the top of_his bookcase . we also hit on an ingenious device by_which he_could get to_the floor whenever he_wanted, which_was simply to_put the British Encyclopaedia (tenth edition) on_the top of_his open shelves . he just pulled out a couple of volumes and held on, and down he_came . and we agreed there_must_be iron staples along the skirting, so_that he_could cling to_those whenever he_wanted to_get about_the room on_the lower level .

as_we got on with_the thing I_found myself almost keenly interested . it_was I who called in_the housekeeper and broke matters to her, and it_was I chiefly who fixed up the inverted bed . in_fact, I spent two whole days at his flat . I_am a handy, interfering sort of man with a screw- driver, and I_made all sorts of ingenious adaptations for him--ran a wire to bring his bells within reach, turned all his electric lights up instead of down, and so on . the whole affair was extremely curious and interesting to_me, and it_was delightful to_think of Pyecraft like some great, fat blow- fly, crawling about on_his ceiling and clambering round the lintel of_his doors from one room to another, and never, never, never coming to_the club any more .. .

then, you_know, my fatal ingenuity got the better of me . i_was sitting by his fire drinking his whisky, and he_was up in_his favourite corner by_the cornice, tacking a turkey carpet to_the ceiling, when_the idea struck me ." by Jove, Pyecraft ! " I_said, " all this_is totally unnecessary ."

and before I_could calculate the complete consequences of_my notion I blurted it out ." lead underclothing," said I, and_the mischief was_done .

Pyecraft received the thing almost in tears ." to_be right ways up again----" he_said .

I_gave him the whole secret before I_saw where it would take me ." buy sheet lead," I_said, " stamp it into discs . sew 'em all over your underclothes until you_have enough . have lead- soled boots, carry a bag of solid lead, and_the thing is done ! instead of being a prisoner here you_may go abroad again, Pyecraft; you_may travel----"

a still happier idea came to_me ." you_need never fear a shipwreck . all you_need do is just slip off some or all of your clothes, take_the necessary amount of luggage in your hand, and float up in_the air----"

in_his emotion he dropped the tack- hammer within an ace of_my head ." by Jove ! " he_said, " I_shall_be_able to_come back to_the club again ."

" the thing pulled me up short . by Jove ! " I_said, faintly ." yes . of_course-- you_will ."

he_did . he_does . there he sits behind me now, stuffing-- as I live ! --a third go of buttered teacake . and no one in_the whole world knows-- except his housekeeper and me--- that he weighs practically nothing; that he_is amere boring mass of assimilatory matter, mere clouds in clothing, _niente, nefas_, the most inconsiderable of men . there he sits watching until I_have_done this writing . then, if he_can, he_will waylay me . he_will come billowing up to_me .. .

he_will tell me over again all about_it, how it feels, how it doesn't feel, how he sometimes hopes it_is passing off a little . and always somewhere in_that fat, abundant discourse he_will say, " the secret's keeping, eh ? if any_one knew of it-- i_should_be so ashamed .. .Makes a fellow look such a fool, you_know .Crawling about on aceiling and all that .. ."

and now to elude Pyecraft, occupying, as he_does, an admirable strategic position between me and_the door .

Section [1 | 2]