the " tournament" in a. D .1870

by mark twain

lately there appeared an item to_this effect, and_the same went the customary universal round of_the press:

a telegraph station has just been established upon_the traditional site of_the garden of Eden .

as a companion to_that, nothing fits so aptly and so perfectly as_this:

Brooklyn has revived the knightly tournament of_the middle Ages .

it_is hard to_tell which_is the most startling, the idea of_that highest achievement of human genius and intelligence, the telegraph, prating away about_the practical concerns of_the world's daily life in_the heart and home of ancient indolence, ignorance, and savagery, or the idea of_that happiest expression of_the brag, vanity, and mock-heroics of_our ancestors, the " tournament," coming out of_its grave to flaunt its tinsel trumpery and perform its " chivalrous" absurdities in_the high noon of_the nineteenth century, and under the patronage of a great, broad- awake city and an advanced civilisation .

a" tournament" in Lynchburg is a thing easily within_the comprehension of_the average mind; but no commonly gifted person can conceive of_such a spectacle in Brooklyn without straining his powers .Brooklyn is part and parcel of_the city of New_York, and there_is hardly romance enough in_the entire metropolis to re- supply a Virginia " knight" with " chivalry," in_case he happened to run out of it . let the reader calmly and dispassionately picture to himself "lists" in Brooklyn; heralds, pursuivants, pages, garter king- at-arms-- in Brooklyn; the marshalling of_the fantastic hosts of " chivalry" in slashed doublets, velvet trunks, ruffles, and plumes-- in Brooklyn; mounted on omnibus and livery- stable patriarchs, promoted, and referred to in cold blood as "steeds," "destriers," and "chargers," and divested of_their friendly, humble names these meek old "Jims" and "Bobs" and "Charleys," and renamed "Mohammed," "Bucephalus," and "Saladin"-- in Brooklyn; mounted thus, and armed with swords and shields and wooden lances, and cased in paste board hauberks, morions, greaves, and gauntlets, and addressed as " sir" smith, and " sir" Jones, and bearing such titled grandeurs as " the Disinherited knight," the " knight of Shenandoah," the " knight of_the blue ridge," the " knight of Maryland," and_the " knight of_the secret sorrow"-- in Brooklyn; and at_the toot of_the horn charging fiercely upon a helpless ring hung on a post, and prodding at it in trepidly with their wooden sticks, and by and by skewering it and cavorting back to_the judges' stand covered with glory this in Brooklyn; and each noble success like this duly and promptly announced by an applauding toot from_the herald's horn, and " the band playing three bars of an old circus tune"-- all in Brooklyn, in broad daylight . and let the reader remember, and also add to_his picture, as follows, to wit: when_the show was all over, the party who had shed the most blood and overturned and hacked to pieces the most knights, or at_least had prodded the most muffin-rings, was accorded the ancient privilege of naming and crowning the queen of love and beauty-- which naming had in reality been done for, him by_the " cut- and- dried" process, and long in advance, by a committee of ladies, but the crowning he_did in person, though suffering from loss of blood, and then was taken to_the county hospital on a shutter to_have his wounds dressed-- these curious things all occurring in Brooklyn, and no longer ago than one_or_two yesterdays . it seems impossible, and yet it_is true .

this_was doubtless the first appearance of_the " tournament" up here among_the rolling-mills and factories, and will probably be the last . it_will_be well to let it retire permanently to_the rural districts of Virginia, where, it_is said, the fine mailed and plumed, noble-natured, maiden-rescuing, wrong-redressing, adventure-seeking knight of romance is accepted and believed in by_the peasantry with pleasing simplicity, while they reject with scorn the plain, unpolished verdict whereby history exposes him as a braggart, a ruffian, a fantastic vagabond; and an ignoramus .

all romance aside, what shape would our admiration of_the heroes of Ashby de la Zouch be likely to_take, in_this practical age, if those worthies were to rise up and come here and perform again the chivalrous deeds of_that famous passage of arms ? nothing but a New_York jury and_the insanity plea could save them from hanging, from_the amiable Bois-Guilbert and_the pleasant front-de-Boeuf clear down to_the nameless ruffians that entered the riot with unpictured shields and did their first murder and acquired their first claim to respect that day . the doings of_the so- called " chivalry" of_the middle Ages were absurd enough, even when_they were brutally and bloodily in earnest, and when their surroundings of castles and donjons, savage landscapes and half- savage peoples, were in keeping; but those doings gravely reproduced with tinsel decorations and mock pageantry, by bucolic gentlemen with broomstick lances, and with muffin-rings to represent the foe, and all in_the midst of_the refinement and dignity of a carefully- developed modern civilisation, is absurdity gone crazy .

now, for next exhibition, let_us_have a fine representation of one of_those chivalrous wholesale butcheries and burnings of Jewish women and children, which the crusading heroes of romance used to indulge in in their European homes, just before starting to_the holy land, to seize and take to_their protection the Sepulchre and defend it from " pollution ."