the tone-Imparting committee

by mark twain

I get old and ponderously respectable, only one_thing will_be_able to_make me truly happy, and that_will_be to_be put on_the venerable tone-Imparting committee of_the city of New_York, and_have nothing to_do but sit on_the platform, solemn and imposing, along with Peter Cooper, Horace Greeley, etc ., etc ., and shed momentary fame at second hand on obscure lecturers, draw public attention to lectures which would otherwise clack eloquently to sounding emptiness, and subdue audiences into respectful hearing of all sorts of unpopular and outlandish dogmas and isms . that_is what I_desire for_the cheer and gratification of_my gray hairs . let me but sit up there with those fine relics of_the old red sandstone period and give tone to an intellectual entertainment twice a week, and be so reported, and my happiness will_be complete . those men have_been my envy for long, long_time . and no memories of_my life are so pleasant as my reminiscence of_their long and honorable career in_the tone-imparting service . I_can recollect that first time I ever saw them on_the platforms just as_well as I_can remember the events of yesterday .Horace Greeley sat on_the right, Peter Cooper on_the left, and Thomas Jefferson, red jacket, Benjamin Franklin, and John Hancock sat between_them . this_was on_the 22d of December, 1799, on_the occasion of_the state' funeral of George Washington in New_York . it_was a great day, that--a great day, and a very, very sad one .I remember that broadway was one mass of black crape from castle garden nearly up_to where the city hall now stands . the next_time I_saw these gentlemen officiate was at a ball given for_the_purpose of procuring money and medicines for_the sick and wounded soldiers and sailors .Horace Greeley occupied one side of_the platform on_which the musicians were exalted, and Peter Cooper the other . there were other tone-imparters attendant upon_the two chiefs, but I_have forgotten their names now .Horace Greeley, gray-haired and beaming, was in sailor costume-- white duck pants, blue shirt, open at_the breast, large neckerchief, loose as an ox- bow, and tied with a jaunty sailor knot, broad turnover collar with star in_the corner, shiny black little tarpaulin hat roosting daintily far back on head, and flying two gallant long ribbons .Slippers on ample feet, round spectacles on benignant nose, and pitchfork in hand, completed Mr Greeley, and made him, in my boyish admiration, every inch a sailor, and worthy to_be the honored great- grandfather of_the Neptune he_was so ingeniously representing . I_shall never forget him .Mr Cooper was dressed as a general of militia, and was dismally and oppressively warlike .I neglected to remark, in_the proper place, that_the soldiers and sailors in whose aid the ball was given had just been sent in from Boston-- this_was during the war of 1812 . at_the grand national reception of Lafayette, in 1824, Horace Greeley sat on_the right and Peter Cooper to_the left . the other tone-imparters of_the day are sleeping the sleep of_the just now . i_was in_the audience when Horace Greeley Peter Cooper, and other chief citizens imparted tone to_the great meetings in favor of French liberty, in 1848 . then I never saw them any more until here lately; but now that I_am living tolerably near the city, I run down every time I_see it announced that "Horace Greeley, Peter Cooper, and several_other distinguished citizens will occupy seats on_the platform;" and next morning, when I_read in_the first paragraph of_the phonographic report that "Horace Greeley, Peter Cooper, and several_other distinguished citizens occupied seats on_the platform," I_say to myself, " thank god, i_was present ." thus I_have_been enabled to_see these substantial old friends of_mine sit on_the platform and give tone to lectures on anatomy, and lectures on agriculture, and lectures on stirpiculture, and lectures on astronomy, on chemistry, on miscegenation, on " is man Descended from_the kangaroo ? " on veterinary matters, on all kinds of religion, and several kinds of politics; and_have seen them give tone and grandeur to_the Four-legged girl, the Siamese Twins, the great Egyptian sword swallower, and_the old original Jacobs . whenever somebody is to lecture on a subject not of general interest, I_know that my venerated Remains of_the old red sandstone period will_be on_the platform; whenever a lecturer is to appear whom nobody has heard of before, nor will_be likely to seek to_see, I_know that_the real benevolence of_my old friends will_be taken advantage of, and_that they_will_be on_the platform ( and in_the bills) as an advertisement; and whenever any new and obnoxious deviltry in philosophy, morals, or politics is_to_be sprung upon_the people, I_know perfectly well that_these intrepid old heroes will_be on_the platform too, in_the interest of full and free discussion, and to crush down all narrower and less generous souls with_the solid dead weight of_their awful respectability . and_let_us all remember that while these inveterate and imperishable presiders ( if_you please) appear on_the platform every night in_the year as regularly as_the volunteered piano from Steinway's or Chickering's, and_have bolstered up and given tone to a deal of questionable merit and obscure emptiness in their time, they_have also diversified this inconsequential service by occasional powerful uplifting and upholding of great progressive ideas which smaller men feared to meddle with or countenance .