A royal compliment

by mark twain

the latest report about_the Spanish crown is, that_it_will now be offered to prince Alfonso, the second son of_the king of Portugal, who_is but five years_of_age . the Spaniards have hunted through all the nations of Europe for a king . they tried to_get a Portuguese in_the person of Dom-Luis, who_is an old ex- monarch; they tried to_get an Italian, in_the person of victor Emanuel's young son, the duke of Genoa; they tried to_get a Spaniard, in_the person of Espartero, who_is an octogenarian . some_of_them desired a French Bourbon, Montpensier; some_of_them a Spanish Bourbon, the prince of Asturias; some_of_them an English prince, one_of_the sons of queen Victoria . they_have just tried to_get the German prince Leopold; but they_have thought it better to_give him up than take a war along with_him . it_is a long_time since we first suggested to_them to_try an American ruler . we_can offer them a large number of able and experienced sovereigns to pick from-- men skilled in statesmanship, versed in_the science of government, and adepts in all the arts of administration-- men who_could wear the crown with dignity and rule the kingdom at a reasonable expense .

there_is not the least danger of napoleon threatening them if_they take an American sovereign; in_fact, we_have no_doubt he_would_be pleased to support such acandidature . we_are unwilling to mention names-- though we_have a man in_our eye whom we_wish they had in theirs .-- New_York tribune .

it would_be but an ostentation of modesty to permit such a pointed reference to myself to_pass unnoticed . this_is_the second time that ' the tribune' ( no_doubt sincerely looking to_the best interests of Spain and_the world at large) has_done me the great and unusual honour to propose me as a fit person to_fill the Spanish throne . why ' the tribune' should single me out in_this_way from_the midst of a dozen Americans of higher political prominence, is a problem which I_cannot solve . beyond a somewhat intimate knowledge of Spanish history and a profound veneration for its great names and illustrious deeds, I_feel that I possess no merit that should peculiarly recommend me to_this royal distinction . I_cannot deny that Spanish history has always been mother's milk to_me . I_am proud of every Spanish achievement, from Hernando Cortes's victory at Thermopylae down to Vasco Nunez de balboa's discovery of_the Atlantic ocean; and of every splendid Spanish name, from Don Quixote and_the duke of Wellington down to Don Caesar de Bazan . however, these little graces of erudition are of small consequence, being more showy than serviceable .

in_case the Spanish sceptre is pressed upon me-- and_the indications unquestionably are that_it_will_be-- I_shall feel it necessary to_have certain things set down and distinctly understood beforehand . for instance: my salary must_be paid quarterly in advance . in_these unsettled times it_will_not do to trust . if Isabella had adopted this plan, she_would be roosting on her ancestral throne to- day, for_the simple reason that her subjects never could_have raised three months of a royal salary in advance, and of_course they_could_not have discharged her until they had squared up with her . my salary must_be paid in gold; when greenbacks are fresh in a country, they_are too fluctuating . my salary has got to_be put at_the ruling market rate; I_am not going to cut under on_the trade, and they_are_not going to trail me a long way from home and then practise on my ignorance and play me for a royal north Adams Chinaman, by any means . as I understand it, imported kings generally get five millions a year and house- rent free . young George of Greece gets that . as_the revenues only yield two millions, he has_to take_the national note for considerable; but even with things in_that sort of shape he_is better fixed than he_was in Denmark, where he had to eternally stand up because he had no throne to sit on, and had to_give bail for_his board, because a royal apprentice gets no salary there while he_is learning his trade . England is_the place for_that .Fifty thousand dollars a year Great_Britain pays on each royal child that_is born, and this_is increased from year to year as_the child becomes more and more indispensable to_his country . look at prince Arthur . at first he only got the usual birth- bounty; but now that he has got so_that he_can dance, there_is simply no telling what wages he gets .

i_should_have to stipulate that_the Spanish people wash more and endeavour to_get along with less quarantine . do_you_know, Spain keeps her ports fast locked against foreign traffic three-fourths of each year, because one day she_is scared about_the cholera, and_the next about_the plague, and next the measles, next the hooping cough, the hives, and_the rash ? but she does_not mind leonine leprosy and elephantiasis any more than a great and enlightened civilisation minds freckles . soap would soon remove her anxious distress about foreign distempers . the reason arable land is so scarce in Spain is because the people squander so_much of it on their persons, and then when_they die it_is improvidently buried with_them .

i_should feel obliged to stipulate that marshal Serrano be reduced to_the rank of constable, or even roundsman . he_is no longer fit to_be city marshal .a man who refused to_be king because he_was too old and feeble, is ill qualified to help sick people to_the station- house when_they are armed and their form of delirium_tremens is of_the exuberant and demonstrative kind .

i_should also require that a force be sent to chase the late queen Isabella out of France . her presence there can work no advantage to Spain, and she ought_to_be made to move at once; though, poor thing, she has_been chaste enough heretofore-- for a Spanish woman .

i_should also require that--

I_am at_this moment authoritatively informed that " the tribune" did_not mean me, after all . very_well, I_do_not care two cents .