The Purple Pileus by H.G. Wells
Section [1 | 2]
what I've got to_put up with," said Mrs Coombes .

" he_is a bit hasty," said Mr Clarence judicially .

" he ain't got the slightest sense of_our position," said Mrs Coombes; " that's what I complain of . he cares for nothing but his old shop; and if I_have a bit of company, or buy anything to_keep myself decent, or get any little thing i_want out_of_the housekeeping money, there's disagreeables .' economy' he_says; ' struggle for life,' and all that . he lies awake of nights about_it, worrying how he_can screw me out of ashilling . he_wanted us to eat Dorset butter once . if once i_was to_give in to him-- there ! "

" of_course," said Jennie .

" if a man values a woman," said Mr Clarence, lounging back in_the arm- chair, " he_must_be prepared to_make sacrifices for her . for_my own part," said Mr Clarence, with_his eye on Jennie, "I shouldn't think of marrying till i_was in_a_position to_do_the thing in style . it's downright selfishness .a man ought to_go through_the rough- and- tumble by himself, and not drag her--"

"I don't agree altogether with_that," said Jennie ."I don't see why a man shouldn't have a woman's help, provided he doesn't treat her meanly, you_know . it's meanness--"

" you wouldn't believe," said Mrs Coombes ." but i_was a fool to 'ave ' im . I_might 'ave known . if_it 'adn't been for_my father, we shouldn't 'ave 'ad not a carriage to our wedding ."

" lord ! he didn't stick out at_that ? " said Mr Clarence, quite shocked .

" said he_wanted the money for_his stock, or some such rubbish . why, he wouldn't have a woman in to help me once a week if_it wasn't for_my standing out plucky . and_the fusses he makes about money--comes to_me, well, pretty near crying, with sheets of paper and figgers .' if only we_can tide over this year,' he_says, ' the business is bound to_go .' ' if only we_can tide over this year,' I says; ' then it'll be, if only we_can tide over next_year . I_know you,' I says .' and you don't catch me screwing myself lean and ugly . why didn't you marry aslavey ? ' I says, ' if you_wanted one-- instead of a respectable girl,' I says ."

so Mrs Coombes . but we_will_not follow this unedifying conversation further . suffice it that Mr Coombes was very satisfactorily disposed of, and_they had a snug little time round the fire . then Mrs Coombes went to_get the tea, and Jennie sat coquettishly on_the arm of Mr Clarence's chair until the tea- things clattered outside ." what_was that I heard ? " asked Mrs Coombes playfully, as she entered, and there_was badinage about kissing . they were just sitting down to_the little circular table when_the first intimation of Mr Coombes' return was heard .

this_was a fumbling at_the latch of_the front door .

"'Ere's my lord," said Mrs Coombes ." went out like a lion and comes back like alamb, I'll lay ."

something fell over in_the shop: a chair, it sounded like . then there_was a sound as of some complicated step exercise in_the passage . then the door opened and Coombes appeared . but it_was Coombes transfigured . the immaculate collar had_been torn carelessly from_his throat . his carefully- brushed silk hat, half- full of a crush of fungi, was under one arm; his coat was inside out, and_his waistcoat adorned with bunches of yellow- blossomed furze . these little eccentricities of Sunday costume, however, were quite overshadowed by_the change in_his face; it_was livid white, his eyes were unnaturally large and bright, and_his pale blue lips were drawn back in a cheerless grin ." merry ! " he_said . he had stopped dancing to open the door ." rational 'njoyment . dance ." he_made three fantastic steps into_the room, and stood bowing .

"Jim ! " shrieked Mrs Coombes, and Mr Clarence sat petrified, with adropping lower jaw .

" tea," said Mr Coombes ."Jol' thing, tea .Tose-stools, too .Brosher ."

" he's drunk," said Jennie in a weak voice . never before had she seen this intense pallor in a drunken man, or such shining, dilated eyes .

Mr Coombes held out a handful of scarlet agaric to Mr Clarence ."Jo' stuff," said he; "ta' some ."

at_that moment he_was genial . then at_the sight of_their startled faces he changed, with_the swift transition of insanity, into overbearing fury . and it seemed as_if he had suddenly recalled the quarrel of_his departure . in_such a huge voice as Mrs Coombes had never heard before, he shouted, " my house .I'm master 'ere . eat what I_give yer ! " he bawled this, as it seemed, without an effort, without a violent gesture, standing there as motionless as one who whispers, holding out a handful of fungus .

Clarence approved himself a coward . he_could_not meet the mad fury in Coombes' eyes; he rose to_his feet, pushing back his chair, and turned, stooping . at_that Coombes rushed at him .Jennie saw her opportunity, and, with_the ghost of a shriek, made for_the door .

Mrs Coombes followed her .Clarence tried to dodge . over went the tea- table with a smash as Coombes clutched him by_the collar and tried to thrust the fungus into his mouth .Clarence was content to leave his collar behind him, and shot out into_the passage with red patches of fly agaric still adherent to_his face ." shut ' im in ! " cried Mrs Coombes, and would_have closed the door, but her supports deserted her; Jennie saw the shop door open, and vanished thereby, locking it behind her, while Clarence went on hastily into_the kitchen .Mr Coombes came heavily against the door, and Mrs Coombes, finding the key was inside, fled upstairs and locked herself in_the spare bedroom .

so the new convert to joie de vivre emerged upon_the passage, his decorations a little scattered, but that respectable hatful of fungi still under his arm . he hesitated at_the three ways, and decided on_the kitchen . whereupon Clarence, who was fumbling with_the key, gave up the attempt to imprison his host, and fled into_the scullery, only to_be captured before he_could open the door into_the yard .Mr Clarence is singularly reticent of_the details of what occurred . it seems that Mr Coombes' transitory irritation had vanished again, and he_was once more a genial playfellow . and as there were knives and meat choppers about, Clarence very generously resolved to humour him and so avoid anything tragic . it_is beyond dispute that Mr Coombes played with Mr Clarence to_his heart's content; they_could_not have_been more playful and familiar if_they had known each_other for years . he insisted gaily on Clarence trying the fungi, and, after a friendly tussle, was smitten with remorse at_the mess he_was making of_his guest's face . it also appears that Clarence was dragged under the sink and_his face scrubbed with_the blacking brush-- he being still resolved to humour the lunatic at any cost-- and_that finally, in a somewhat dishevelled, chipped, and discoloured condition, he_was assisted to_his coat and shown out by_the back door, the shopway being barred by Jennie .Mr Coombes' wandering thoughts then turned to Jennie .Jennie had_been unable to unfasten the shop door, but she shot the bolts against Mr Coombes' latch- key, and remained in possession of_the shop for_the rest of_the evening .

it would appear that Mr Coombes then returned to_the kitchen, still in pursuit of gaiety, and, albeit a strict good Templar, drank ( or spilt down the front of_the first and only frock- coat) no less_than five bottles of_the stout Mrs Coombes insisted upon having for her health's sake . he_made cheerful noises by breaking off the necks of_the bottles with several of_his wife's wedding- present dinner-plates, and during the earlier part of_this great drunk he sang divers merry ballads . he cut his finger rather badly with one_of_the bottles-- the only bloodshed in_this story-- and what with_that, and_the systematic convulsion of_his inexperienced physiology by_the liquorish brand of Mrs Coombes' stout, it may_be the evil of_the fungus poison was somehow allayed . but we prefer to draw a veil over the concluding incidents of_this Sunday afternoon . they ended in_the coal cellar, in a deep and healing sleep .

an interval of five years elapsed . again it_was a Sunday afternoon in October, and again Mr Coombes walked through_the pine wood beyond the canal . he_was still the same dark- eyed, black-moustached little man that he_was at_the outset of_the story, but his double chin was now scarcely so illusory as it had_been . his overcoat was new, with a velvet lapel, and a stylish collar with turn- down corners, free of any coarse starchiness, had replaced the original all- round article . his hat was glossy, his gloves newish-- though one finger had split and been carefully mended . and a casual observer would_have noticed about him a certain rectitude of bearing, a certain erectness of head that marks the man who thinks well of himself . he_was a master now, with three assistants . beside him walked a larger sunburnt parody of himself, his brother Tom, just back from Australia . they were recapitulating their early struggles, and Mr Coombes had just been making a financial statement .

" it's a very nice little business, Jim," said brother Tom ." in_these days of competition you're jolly lucky to_have worked it up so . and you're jolly lucky, too, to_have a wife who's willing to help like yours does ."

" between ourselves," said Mr Coombes, " it wasn't always so . it wasn't always like this . to_begin with, the missus was a bit giddy .Girls are funny creatures ."

" dear me ! "

" yes . you'd hardly think it, but she was downright extravagant, and always having slaps at me . i_was a bit too easy and loving, and all that, and she thought the whole blessed show was run for her . turned the 'ouse into a regular caravansery, always having her relations and girls from business in, and their chaps . comic songs a' Sunday, it_was getting to, and driving trade away . and she was making eyes at_the chaps, too ! I tell you, Tom, the place wasn't my own ."

"Shouldn't 'a' thought it ."

" it_was so . well--I reasoned with her . I_said, 'I ain't a duke, to_keep a wife like a pet animal .I married you for 'elp and company .' I_said, ' you got to 'elp and pull the business through .' she wouldn't ' ear of it .' very_well,' I says ? ? 'I'm a mild man till I'm roused,' I says, ' and it's getting to_that .' but she wouldn't ' ear of no warnings ."

" well ? "

" it's the way with women . she didn't think I 'ad it in me to_be roused . women of her sort ( between ourselves, Tom) don't respect a man until they're a bit afraid of him . so I just broke out to show her . in comes a girl named Jennie, that used to work with her, and her chap . we 'ad a bit of a row, and I_came out 'ere-- it_was just such another day as_this-- and i_thought it all out . then I went back and pitched into them ."

" you_did ? "

" I_did . i_was mad, I_can tell you .I wasn't going to ' it 'er if I_could 'elp it, so I went back and licked into_this chap, just to show 'er what I_could do .'E was a big chap, too . well, I chucked him, and smashed things about, and gave 'er ascaring, and she ran up and locked 'erself into_the spare room ."

" well ? "

" that's all .I says to 'er the next morning, ' now you_know,' I says, ' what I'm like when I'm roused .' and I didn't have to_say anything more ."

" and you've been happy ever after, eh ? "

" so to_speak . there's nothing like putting your foot down with_them . if_it 'adn't been for_that afternoon i_should 'a' been tramping the roads now, and she'd 'a' been grumbling at me, and all her family grumbling for bringing her to poverty-- I_know their little ways . but we're all right now . and it's a very decent little business, as_you say ."

they proceeded on their way meditatively ." women are funny creatures," said brother Tom .

" they_want a firm hand," says Coombes .

" what alot of_these funguses there_are about here ! " remarked brother Tom presently ." I_can't see what use they_are in_the_world ."

Mr Coombes looked ."I dessay they're sent for some wise purpose," said Mr Coombes .

and_that was as_much thanks as_the purple pileus ever got for maddening this absurd little man to_the pitch of decisive action, and so altering the whole course of_his life .

Section [1 | 2]