A visit to_the asylum for aged and decayed Punsters

by Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

[ from_the Atlantic Monthly_, January, 1861 .Republished in soundings from_the Atlantic (1864), by Oliver Wendell Holmes, whose authorized publishers are the Houghton Mifflin company .]

Having just returned from a visit to_this admirable institution in company with a friend who_is one_of_the Directors, we propose giving a short account of what we saw and heard . the great success of_the asylum for Idiots and feeble- minded youth, several of_the scholars from_which have reached considerable distinction, one_of_them being connected with aleading daily paper in_this city, and others having served in_the state and national Legislatures, was_the motive which led to_the foundation of_this excellent charity . our late distinguished townsman, Noah Dow, esquire, as is well known, bequeathed a large portion of_his fortune to_this establishment-- " being thereto moved," as his will expressed it, " by_the desire of _N .Dowing some public institution for_the benefit of mankind ." being consulted as_to_the Rules of_the institution and_the selection of a superintendent, he replied, that " all Boards must construct their own Platforms of operation . let them select anyhow and he_should_be pleased ." N .E .Howe, Esq ., was chosen in compliance with_this delicate suggestion .

the charter provides for_the support of " one hundred aged and decayed gentlemen-Punsters ." on inquiry if there way no provision for _females_, my friend called my attention to_this remarkable psychological fact, namely:

there_is no such thing as a female PUNSTER .

this remark struck me forcibly, and on reflection I_found that I never knew nor heard of one_, though I_have once_or_twice heard a woman make a single detached pun, as I_have known ahen to crow .

on arriving at_the south gate of_the asylum grounds, i_was about to ring, but my friend held my arm and begged me to rap with my stick, which I_did . an old man with a very comical face presently opened the gate and put out his head .

" so you prefer cane to abell_, do_you ? " he_said-- and began chuckling and coughing at a great rate .

my friend winked at me .

" you're here still, old Joe, I_see," he_said to_the old man .

" yes, yes-- and it's very odd, considering how often I've bolted_, nights ."

he then threw open the double gates for_us to ride through .

" now," said the old man, as he pulled the gates after us, " you've had a long journey ."

" why, how is_that, old Joe ? " said my friend .

"Don't you_see ? " he answered; " there's the east hinges on_the one side of_the gate, and there's the west hinges on t' other side--haw ! haw ! haw ! "

we had no sooner got into_the yard than a feeble little gentleman, with aremarkably bright eye, came up to_us, looking very serious, as_if something had happened .

" the town has entered a complaint against the asylum as agambling establishment," he_said to my friend, the director .

" what do_you_mean ? " said my friend .

" why, they complain that there's alot o' rye on_the premises," he answered, pointing to a field of_that grain-- and hobbled away, his shoulders shaking with laughter, as he went .

on entering the main building, we saw the Rules and Regulations for_the asylum conspicuously posted up . I_made a few extracts which_may_be interesting:

sect .I . of verbal EXERCISES .

5 . each inmate shall be permitted to_make Puns freely from eight in_the morning until ten at night, except during service in_the chapel and grace before Meals .

6 . at ten o'clock the gas will_be turned off, and no further Puns, Conundrums, or other play on words will_be allowed to_be uttered, or to_be uttered aloud .

9 .Inmates who_have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns shall be permitted to repeat such as may_be selected for_them by_the chaplain out_of_the work of Mr . Joseph miller .

10 . violent and unmanageable Punsters, who interrupt others when engaged in conversation, with Puns or attempts at_the same, shall be deprived of_their Joseph Millers_, and, if necessary, placed in solitary confinement .

sect .III . of deportment at MEALS .

4 . no inmate shall make any pun, or attempt at_the same, until the Blessing has_been asked and_the company are decently seated .

7 . certain Puns having been placed on_the index Expurgatorius of_the institution, no inmate shall be allowed to utter them, on pain of being debarred the perusal of punch and vanity Fair_, and, if repeated, deprived of_his Joseph miller .

among_these are the following:

Allusions to attic salt_, when asked to_pass the salt- cellar .

Remarks on_the Inmates being mustered_, etc ., etc .

Associating baked beans with_the bene_-factors of_the institution .

Saying that beef-eating is befitting_, etc ., etc .

the following are also prohibited, excepting to such Inmates as may_have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns of_their own:

"---- your own hair or a wig"; " it_will_be long enough_," etc ., etc .; " little of_its age," etc ., etc .; also, playing upon_the following words: hos_pital; mayor_; pun_; pitied_; bread_; _sauce_, etc ., etc ., etc . see index EXPURGATORIUS, printed for use of Inmates .

the subjoined conundrum is_not allowed: why is hasty Pudding like the prince ? because it comes attended by its sweet_; nor this variation to_it, to wit_: because the 'lasses runs after it .

the superintendent, who went round with_us, had_been a noted punster in_his time, and well known in_the business_world, but lost his customers by making too free with their names-- as in_the famous story he set afloat in '29 of four Jerries attaching to_the names of a noted judge, an eminent lawyer, the secretary of_the board of foreign Missions, and_the well- known landlord at Springfield . one_of_the four Jerries_, he added, was of gigantic magnitude . the play on words was brought out by an accidental remark of Solomons, the well- known banker ."_Capital punishment ! " the Jew was overheard saying, with reference to_the guilty parties . he_was understood, as saying, a capital pun is meant_, which led to an investigation and_the relief of_the greatly excited public mind .

the superintendent showed some of_his old tendencies, as he went round with_us .

" do_you_know"-- he broke out all at once--" why they don't take steppes in Tartary for establishing insane Hospitals ? "

we both confessed ignorance .

" because there_are nomad people to_be found there," he_said, with a dignified smile .

he proceeded to introduce us to different Inmates . the first was a middle- aged, scholarly man, who was seated at a table with a_Webster's dictionary and a sheet of paper before him .

" well, what luck to- day, Mr Mowzer ? " said the superintendent .

" three or four only," said Mr Mowzer ." will_you hear 'em now-- now I'm here ? "

we all nodded .

"Don't you_see Webster ers in_the words cent_er and theat_er ?

" if he spells leather lether_, and feather fether_, isn't there danger that he'll give_us a bad spell of weather ?

" besides, Webster is aresurrectionist; he_does_not allow u to rest quietly in_the mould .

" and again, because Mr Worcester inserts an illustration in_his text, is_that any reason why Mr Webster's publishers should hitch one on in their appendix ? it's what I call a connect-a- cut trick .

" why is his way of spelling like the floor of an oven ? because it_is _under bread ."

"Mowzer ! " said the superintendent, " that word is on_the index ! "

"I forgot," said Mr Mowzer; " please don't deprive me of vanity Fair_ this_one time, sir ."

" these are all, this_morning . good day, gentlemen ." then to_the superintendent: " add you, sir ! "

the next inmate was asemi- idiotic- looking old man . he had a heap of block-letters before him, and, as_we came up, he pointed, without saying a word, to_the arrangements he had made with_them on_the table . they were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing the letters of_the words employed without addition or subtraction . here are a few of_them:

TIMES . smite ! post . stop !

tribune . true NIB . world .DR . owl .

advertiser .{ RES VERI DAT .{ is true . read !

allopathy . all O' TH' pay .HOMOEOPATHY .O, the ---- ! O ! O, my ! PAH !

the mention of several New_York papers led to two_or_three questions . thus: whether the editor of_the tribune was H .G . really ? if_the complexion of_his politics were_not accounted for by his being an eager person himself ? whether Wendell Fillips were_not a reduced copy of John Knocks ? whether a New_York Feuilletoniste is_not the same thing as a fellow down east ?

at_this_time a plausible- looking, bald- headed man joined us, evidently waiting to_take a part in_the conversation .

" good morning, Mr Riggles," said the superintendent, " anything fresh this_morning ? any conundrum ? "

"I haven't looked at_the cattle," he answered, dryly .

" cattle ? why cattle ? "

" why, to_see if there's any corn under 'em ! " he_said; and immediately asked, " why is Douglas like the earth ? "

we_tried, but couldn't guess .

" because he_was flattened out at_the polls ! " said Mr Riggles .

"A famous politician, formerly," said the superintendent ." his grandfather was a seize-Hessian-ist in_the revolutionary war . by_the_way, I hear the freeze- oil doctrines don't go down at new Bedford ."

the next inmate looked as_if he_might_have_been a sailor formerly .

" ask him what his calling was," said the superintendent .

" followed the sea," he replied to_the question put by one of us ." went as mate in afishing- schooner ."

" why did you give it up ? "

" because I didn't like working for two mast-ers_," he replied .

presently we came upon a group of elderly persons, gathered about a venerable gentleman with flowing locks, who was propounding questions to a row of Inmates .

" can any inmate give_me a motto for M .Berger ? " he_said .

nobody responded for two_or_three minutes . at last one old man, whom I at once recognized as a graduate of_our university (Anno 1800) held up his hand .

"Rem a cue tetigit ."

" go to_the head of_the class, Josselyn," said the venerable patriarch .

the successful inmate did as he_was told, but in a very rough way, pushing against two_or_three of_the class .

" how is_this ? " said the patriarch .

" you told me to_go up jostlin'_," he replied .

the old gentlemen who had_been shoved about enjoyed the pun too_much to_be angry .

presently the patriarch asked again:

" why was M .Berger authorized to_go to_the dances given to_the prince ? "

the class had to_give up this, and he answered it himself:

" because every_one of_his carroms was a tick- it to_the ball ."

" who collects the money to defray the expenses of_the last campaign in Italy ? " asked the patriarch .

here again the class failed .

" the war- cloud's rolling Dun_," he answered .

" and what_is mulled wine made with ? "

three or four voices exclaimed at once:

"_Sizzle-y Madeira ! "

here a servant entered, and said, " luncheon- time ." the old gentlemen, who_have excellent appetites, dispersed at once, one_of_them politely asking us if we_would_not stop and_have a bit of bread and a little mite of cheese .

" there_is one_thing I_have forgotten to show you," said the superintendent, " the cell for_the confinement of violent and unmanageable Punsters ."

we were very curious to_see it, particularly with reference to_the alleged absence of every object upon_which a play of words could possibly be made .

the superintendent led us up some dark stairs to a corridor, then along a narrow passage, then down a broad flight of steps into another passageway, and opened a large door which looked out on_the main entrance .

" we_have_not seen the cell for_the confinement of ' violent and unmanageable' Punsters," we both exclaimed .

" this_is_the sell ! " he exclaimed, pointing to_the outside prospect .

my friend, the director, looked me in_the face so good-naturedly that I had to laugh .

" we like to humor the Inmates," he_said ." it has a bad effect, we_find, on their health and spirits to disappoint them of_their little pleasantries . some_of_the jests to_which we_have listened are_not new to_me, though I dare say you_may not have heard them often before . the same thing happens in general society, with_this additional disadvantage, that_there_is no punishment provided for ' violent and unmanageable' Punsters, as in_our institution ."

we_made our bow to_the superintendent and walked to_the place where our carriage was waiting for_us . on_our way, an exceedingly decrepit old man moved slowly toward us, with a perfectly blank look on_his face, but still appearing as_if he_wished to_speak .

" look ! " said the director--" that_is our centenarian ."

the ancient man crawled toward us, cocked one eye, with_which he_seemed to_see a little, up at us, and said:

"Sarvant, young gentlemen . why is a--a--a-- like a--a--a-- ? give it up ? because it's a--a--a--a-- ."

he smiled a pleasant smile, as_if it were all plain enough .

" one hundred and seven last Christmas," said the director ." of late years he puts his whole Conundrums in blank-- but they please him just as_well ."

we took our departure, much gratified and instructed by our visit, hoping to_have some future opportunity of inspecting the Records of_this excellent charity and making extracts for_the benefit of_our Readers .