The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain
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the tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson

by mark twain

a whisper to_the reader

there_is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can_be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless . observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is_the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to . instead of feeling complimented when we_are called an ass, we_are left in doubt .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

a person who_is ignorant of legal matters is always liable to_make mistakes when he tries to photograph a court scene with_his pen; and so i_was not willing to let the law chapters in_this book go to press without first subjecting them to rigid and exhausting revision and correction by a trained barrister-- if that_is what they_are called . these chapters are right, now, in every detail, for they were rewritten under the immediate eye of William Hicks, who studied law part of a while in southwest Missouri thirty-five years_ago and then came over here to Florence for_his health and_is still helping for exercise and board in macaroni vermicelli's horse- feed shed, which_is up the back alley as_you turn around the corner out_of_the piazza del Duomo just beyond the house where that stone that Dante used to sit on six hundred years_ago is let into_the wall when he let on to_be watching them build Giotto's campanile and yet always got tired looking as Beatrice passed along on her way to_get a chunk of chestnut cake to defend herself with in_case of aGhibelline outbreak before she got to school, at_the same old stand where they sell the same old cake to_this day and it_is just as light and good as it_was then, too, and this_is_not flattery, far from_it . he_was a little rusty on_his law, but he rubbed up for_this book, and those two_or_three legal chapters are right and straight, now . he_told me so himself .

given under my hand this second day of January, 1893, at_the villa Viviani, village of Settignano, three miles back of Florence, on_the hills-- the same certainly affording the most charming view to_be found on_this planet, and with it the most dreamlike and enchanting sunsets to_be found in any planet or even in any solar system-- and given, too, in_the swell room of_the house, with_the busts of Cerretani senators and other grandees of_this line looking approvingly down upon me, as_they used to look down upon Dante, and mutely asking me to adopt them into my family, which I_do with pleasure, for_my remotest ancestors are but spring chickens compared with_these robed and stately antiques, and it_will_be a great and satisfying lift for_me, that six hundred years will .

mark twain .

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chapter 1

Pudd'nhead Wins his name

tell the truth or trump-- but get the trick .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

the scene of_this chronicle is_the town of Dawson's Landing, on_the Missouri side of_the Mississippi, half a day's journey, per steamboat, below St . Louis .

in 1830 it_was a snug collection of modest one- and two- story frame dwellings, whose whitewashed exteriors were almost concealed from sight by climbing tangles of rose vines, honeysuckles, and morning glories . each of_these pretty homes had a garden in front fenced with white palings and opulently stocked with hollyhocks, marigolds, touch- me-nots, prince's-feathers, and other old- fashioned flowers; while on_the windowsills of_the houses stood wooden boxes containing moss rose plants and terra-cotta pots in_which grew a breed of geranium whose spread of intensely red blossoms accented the prevailing pink tint of_the rose-clad house- front like an explosion of flame . when there_was room on_the ledge outside of_the pots and boxes for acat, the cat was there-- in sunny weather-- stretched at full length, asleep and blissful, with her furry belly to_the sun and a paw curved over her nose . then that house was complete, and its contentment and peace were made manifest to_the world by_this symbol, whose testimony is infallible .a home without acat-- and a well-fed, well- petted, and properly revered cat-- may_be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title ?

all along the streets, on both sides, at_the outer edge of_the brick sidewalks, stood locust trees with trunks protected by wooden boxing, and these furnished shade for summer and a sweet fragrancer in spring, when_the clusters of buds came forth . the main street, one block back from_the river, and running parallel with it, was_the sole business street . it_was six blocks long, and in each block two_or_three brick stores, three stories high, towered above interjected bunches of little frame shops .Swinging signs creaked in_the wind the street's whole length . the candy- striped pole, which indicates nobility proud and ancient along the palace- bordered canals of Venice, indicated merely the humble barbershop along the main street of Dawson's Landing . on a chief corner stood a lofty unpainted pole wreathed from top to bottom with tin pots and pans and cups, the chief tinmonger's noisy notice to_the world ( when_the wind blew) that his shop was on hand for business at_that corner .

the hamlet's front was washed by_the clear waters of_the great river; its body stretched itself rearward up a gentle incline; its most rearward border fringed itself out and scattered its houses about its base line of_the hills; the hills rose high, enclosing the town in a half- moon curve, clothed with forests from foot to summit .

Steamboats passed up and down every hour or so . those belonging to_the little Cairo line and_the little Memphis line always stopped; the big Orleans liners stopped for hails only, or to land passengers or freight; and this_was the case also with_the great flotilla of "transients ." these latter came out of a dozen rivers-- the Illinois, the Missouri, the upper Mississippi, the Ohio, the Monongahela, the Tennessee, the red river, the white river, and so on-- and were bound every whither and stocked with every imaginable comfort or necessity, which the Mississippi's communities could want, from_the frosty Falls of St . Anthony down through nine climates to torrid New_Orleans .

Dawson's Landing was aslaveholding town, with a rich, slave- worked grain and pork country back of it . the town was sleepy and comfortable and contented . it_was fifty years old, and was growing slowly-- very slowly, in_fact, but still it_was growing .

the chief citizen was York Leicester Driscoll, about forty years old, judge of_the county court . he_was very proud of_his old Virginian ancestry, and in_his hospitalities and_his rather formal and stately manners, he kept up its traditions . he_was fine and just and generous . to_be a gentleman--a gentleman without stain or blemish-- was his only religion, and to_it he_was always faithful . he_was respected, esteemed, and beloved by all of_the community . he_was well off, and was gradually adding to_his store . he and_his wife were very nearly happy, but not quite, for they had no children . the longing for_the treasure of a child had grown stronger and stronger as_the years slipped away, but the blessing never came-- and was never to_come .

with_this pair lived the judge's widowed sister, Mrs Rachel Pratt, and she also was childless-- childless, and sorrowful for_that reason, and not to_be comforted . the women were good and commonplace people, and did their duty, and had their reward in clear consciences and_the community's approbation . they were Presbyterians, the judge was a freethinker .

Pembroke Howard, lawyer and bachelor, aged almost forty, was another old Virginian grandee with proved descent from_the first families . he_was a fine, majestic creature, a gentleman according to_the nicest requirements of_the Virginia rule, a devoted Presbyterian, an authority on_the " code", and a man always courteously ready to stand up before_you in_the field if any act or word of_his had seemed doubtful or suspicious to_you, and explain it with any weapon you_might prefer from bradawls to artillery . he_was very popular with_the people, and was_the judge's dearest friend .

then there_was colonel Cecil Burleigh Essex, another F .F .V . of formidable caliber-- however, with_him we_have no concern .

Percy Northumberland Driscoll, brother to_the judge, and younger than he by five years, was a married man, and had had children around his hearthstone; but they were attacked in detail by measles, croup, and scarlet fever, and this had given the doctor a chance with_his effective antediluvian methods; so the cradles were empty . he_was a prosperous man, with a good head for speculations, and_his fortune was growing . on_the first of February, 1830, two boy babes were born in_his house; one to him, one to one of_his slave girls, Roxana by name .Roxana was twenty years old . she was up and around the same day, with her hands full, for she was tending both babes .

Mrs Percy Driscoll died within_the week .Roxy remained in charge of_the children . she had her own way, for_Mr Driscoll soon absorbed himself in_his speculations and left her to her own devices .

in_that same month of February, Dawson's Landing gained a new citizen . this_was Mr David Wilson, a young fellow of Scotch parentage . he had wandered to_this remote region from_his birthplace in_the interior of_the state of New_York, to seek his fortune . he_was twenty-five years old, college bred, and had finished a post- college course in an eastern law school a couple of years before .

he_was a homely, freckled, sandy-haired young fellow, with an intelligent blue eye that had frankness and comradeship in_it and a covert twinkle of a pleasant sort . but for an unfortunate remark of_his, he_would no_doubt have entered at once upon a successful career at Dawson's Landing . but he_made his fatal remark the first day he spent in_the village, and it "gaged" him . he had just made the acquaintance of a group of citizens when an invisible dog began to yelp and snarl and howl and make himself very comprehensively disagreeable, whereupon young Wilson said, much as one who_is thinking aloud:

" i_wish I owned half of_that dog ."

" why ? " somebody asked .

" because i_would kill my half ."

the group searched his face with curiosity, with anxiety even, but found no light there, no expression that they_could read . they fell away from_him as from something uncanny, and went into privacy to discuss him . one said:

"'Pears to_be a fool ."

"'Pears ? " said another ."_Is, I reckon you better say ."

" said he_wished he owned half of_the dog, the idiot," said a third ." what did he reckon would become of_the other half if he killed his half ? do_you reckon he thought it would live ? "

" why, he_must_have thought it, unless he is_the downrightest fool in_the_world; because if he hadn't thought it, he_would_have wanted to own the whole dog, knowing that if he killed his half and_the other half died, he_would_be responsible for_that half just the same as_if he had killed that half instead of_his own .Don't it look that way to_you, gents ? "

" yes, it does . if he owned one half of_the general dog, it would_be so; if he owned one end of_the dog and another person owned the other end, it would_be so, just the same; particularly in_the first case, because if_you kill one half of a general dog, there ain't any man that_can tell whose half it_was; but if he owned one end of_the dog, maybe he_could kill his end of it and--"

" no, he couldn't either; he couldn't and not be responsible if_the other end died, which it would . in my opinion that man ain't in_his right mind ."

" in my opinion he hain't got any mind ."

no .3 said: " well, he's alummox, anyway ."

that's what he_is;" said no .4 ." he's alabrick-- just aSimon- pure labrick, if there_was one ."

" yes, sir, he's a dam fool . that's the way I put him up," said no .5 ." anybody can think different that wants to, but those are my sentiments ."

"I'm with_you, gentlemen," said no .6 ." perfect jackass-- yes, and it ain't going too far to_say he_is apudd'nhead . if he ain't apudd'nhead, I ain't no judge, that's all ."

Mr Wilson stood elected . the incident was told all over the town, and gravely discussed by everybody . within a week he had lost his first name; Pudd'nhead took its place . in_time he_came to_be liked, and well liked too; but by_that_time the nickname had got well stuck on, and it stayed . that first day's verdict made him a fool, and he_was not able to_get it set aside, or even modified . the nickname soon ceased to carry any harsh or unfriendly feeling with it, but it held its place, and was to_continue to hold its place for twenty long years .

chapter 2

Driscoll Spares his Slaves

Adam was but human-- this explains it all . he_did_not want the apple for_the apple's sake, he_wanted it only because it_was forbidden . the mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he_would_have eaten the serpent .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

Pudd'nhead Wilson had a trifle of money when he arrived, and he bought a small house on_the extreme western verge of_the town . between it and judge Driscoll's house there_was only agrassy yard, with apaling fence dividing the properties in_the middle . he hired a small office down in_the town and hung out a tin sign with_these words on_it:

D aV I D W I L S O N

attorney and COUNSELOR- at- law

SURVEYING, CONVEYANCING, etc .

but his deadly remark had ruined his chance-- at_least in_the law . no clients came .


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