The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain
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anyway, because it's the one he_can most easily find out, through_the impatience of_my creditors . he thought it expensive to_have to_pay two hundred dollars to_them for_me once .Expensive--_that ! why, it cost me the whole of_his fortune-- but, of_course, he never thought of_that; some people can't think of any but their own side of a case . if he had known how deep I_am in now, the will would_have gone to pot without waiting for a duel to help . three hundred dollars ! it's a pile ! but he'll never hear of it, I'm thankful to_say . the minute I've cleared it off, I'm safe; and I'll never touch a card again . anyway, I won't while he lives, I make oath to_that .I'm entering on my last reform-- I_know it-- yes, and I'll win; but after_that, if I ever slip again I'm gone ."

chapter 13

Tom Stares at ruin

when I reflect upon_the number of disagreeable people who I_know have_gone to a better world, I_am moved to lead a different life .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

October . this_is one_of_the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in . the others are July, January, September, April, November, may, march, June, December, August, and February .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

thus mournfully communing with himself, Tom moped along the lane past Pudd'nhead Wilson's house, and still on and on between fences enclosing vacant country on each hand till he neared the haunted house, then he_came moping back again, with many sighs and heavy with trouble . he sorely wanted cheerful company . Rowena ! his heart gave a bound at_the thought, but the next thought quieted it-- the detested twins would_be there .

he_was on_the inhabited side of Wilson's house, and now as he approached it, he noticed that_the sitting room was lighted . this_would do; others made him feel unwelcome sometimes, but Wilson never failed in courtesy toward him, and a kindly courtesy does at_least save one's feelings, even if it_is_not professing to stand for a welcome . Wilson heard footsteps at his threshold, then the clearing of a throat .

" it's that fickle- tempered, dissipated young goose-- poor devil, he find friends pretty scarce today, likely, after_the disgrace of carrying a personal assault case into a law- court ."

a dejected knock ." come in ! "

Tom entered, and dropped into a chair, without saying anything . Wilson said kindly:

" why, my boy, you look desolate .Don't take it so hard . try and forget you_have_been kicked ."

"Oh, dear," said Tom, wretchedly, " it's not that, Pudd'nhead-- it's not that .. it's a thousand times worse than that--oh, yes, a million times worse ."

" why, Tom, what do_you_mean ? has Rowena--"

" flung me ? No_, but the old man has ."

Wilson said to himself, "Aha ! " and thought of_the mysterious girl in_the bedroom ." the Driscolls have_been making discoveries ! " then he_said aloud, gravely:

"Tom, there_are some kinds of dissipation which--"

"Oh, shucks, this hasn't got anything to_do with dissipation . he_wanted me to challenge that derned Italian savage, and I wouldn't do_it ."

" yes, of_course he_would do_that," said Wilson in a meditative matter- of- course way, " but the thing that puzzled me was, why he didn't look to_that last night, for_one_thing, and why he let you carry such a matter into a court of law at all, either before_the duel or after it . it's no place for_it . it_was not like him .I couldn't understand it . how did it happen ? "

" it happened because he didn't know anything about_it . he_was asleep when I got home last night ."

" and you didn't wake him ? Tom, is_that possible ? "

Tom was not getting much comfort here . he fidgeted a moment, then said:

"I didn't choose to_tell him-- that's all . he_was going a-fishing before dawn, with Pembroke Howard, and if I got the twins into_the common calaboose-- and i_thought sure I_could--I never dreamed of_their slipping out on a paltry fine for such an outrageous offense-- well, once in_the calaboose they_would_be disgraced, and uncle wouldn't want any duels with_that sort of characters, and wouldn't allow any .

"Tom, I_am ashamed of you ! I don't see how you_could treat your good old uncle so . I_am a better friend of_his than you_are; for if I had known the circumstances i_would_have kept that case out of court until I got word to him and let him have the gentleman's chance ."

" you_would ? " exclaimed Tom, with lively surprise ." and it your first case ! and you_know perfectly well there never would_have_been any case if he had got that chance, don't you ? and you'd have finished your days a pauper nobody, instead of being an actually launched and recognized lawyer today . and you_would really have_done that, would you ? "

" certainly ."

Tom looked at him a moment or two, then shook his head sorrowfully and said:

"I believe you-- upon my word I_do .I don't know why I_do, but I_do .Pudd'nhead Wilson, i_think you're the biggest fool I ever saw ."

" thank_you ."

"Don't mention it ."

" well, he has_been requiring you to fight the Italian, and you_have refused . you degenerate remnant of an honorable line ! I'm thoroughly ashamed of you, Tom ! "

"Oh, that's nothing ! I don't care for anything, now that_the will's torn up again ."

"Tom, tell me squarely--didn't he find any fault with_you for anything but those two things--carrying the case into court and refusing to fight ? "

he watched the young fellow's face narrowly, but it_was entirely reposeful, and so also was_the voice that answered:

" no, he didn't find any_other fault with me . if he had had any to_find, he_would_have begun yesterday, for he_was just in_the humor for_it . he drove that jack- pair around town and showed them the sights, and when he_came home he couldn't find his father's old silver watch that don't keep time and he thinks so_much of, and couldn't remember what he_did with it three or four days_ago when he_saw it last, and when I suggested that_it probably wasn't lost but stolen, it put him in a regular passion, and he_said i_was a fool-- which convinced me, without any trouble, that that was just what he_was afraid had happened, himself, but did_not want to_believe it, because lost things stand a better chance of being found again than stolen ones ."

"Whe-ew ! " whistled Wilson ." score another one the list ."

" another what ? "

" another theft ! "

" theft ? "

" yes, theft . that watch isn't lost, it's stolen . there's been another raid on_the town-- and just the same old mysterious sort of thing that has happened once before, as_you remember ."

" you don't mean it ! "

" it's as sure as_you_are born ! have_you missed anything yourself ? "

" no . that_is, I_did miss a silver pencil case that aunt Mary Pratt gave_me last birthday--"

" you'll find it stolen-- that's what you'll find ."

" no, I sha'n't; for when I suggested theft about_the watch and got such arap, I went and examined my room, and_the pencil case was missing, but it_was only mislaid, and I_found it again ."

" you_are_sure you missed nothing else ? "

" well, nothing of consequence .I missed a small plain gold ring worth two_or_three dollars, but that_will turn up .I'll look again ."

" in my opinion you'll not find it . there's been a raid, I tell you . come in ! "

Mr justice Robinson entered, followed by Buckstone and_the town constable, Jim Blake . they sat down, and after some wandering and aimless weather- conversation Wilson said:

" by_the_way, we've just added another to_the list of thefts, maybe two . judge Driscoll's old silver watch is gone, and Tom here has missed a gold ring ."

" well, it_is a bad business," said the justice, " and gets worse the further it goes . the Hankses, the Dobsons, the Pilligrews, the Ortons, the Grangers, the Hales, the Fullers, the Holcombs, in_fact everybody that lives around about Patsy Cooper's had_been robbed of little things like trinkets and teaspoons and suchlike small valuables that_are easily carried off . it's perfectly plain that_the thief took advantage of_the reception at Patsy Cooper's when all the neighbors were in her house and all their niggers hanging around her fence for a look at_the show, to raid the vacant houses undisturbed .Patsy is miserable about_it; miserable on account of_the neighbors, and particularly miserable on account of her foreigners, of_course; so miserable on their account that she hasn't any room to worry about her own little losses ."

" it's the same old raider," said Wilson ."I suppose there isn't any doubt about_that ."

" constable Blake doesn't think so ."

" no, you're wrong there," said Blake ." the other times it_was a man; there_was plenty of signs of_that, as we_know, in_the profession, thought we never got hands on him; but this_time it's a woman ."

Wilson thought of_the mysterious girl straight off . she was always in_his mind now . but she failed him again .Blake continued:

" she's a stoop- shouldered old woman with a covered basket on her arm, in a black veil, dressed in mourning . I_saw her going aboard the ferryboat yesterday .Lives in Illinois, I reckon; but I don't care where she lives, I'm going to_get her-- she_can make herself sure of_that ."

" what makes you_think she's the thief ? "

" well, there ain't any_other, for_one_thing; and for another, some nigger draymen that happened to_be driving along saw her coming out of or going into houses, and told me so-- and it just happens that_they was robbed_, every time ."

it_was granted that_this was plenty good enough circumstantial evidence .a pensive silence followed, which lasted some moments, then Wilson said:

" there's one good thing, anyway . she_can't either pawn or sell count Luigi's costly Indian dagger ."

" my ! " said Tom ." is_that gone ? "

" yes ."

" well, that was a haul ! but why can't she pawn it or sell it ? "

" because when_the twins went home from_the Sons of liberty meeting last night, news of_the raid was sifting in from everywhere, and aunt Patsy was in distress to_know if_they had lost anything . they found that_the dagger was gone, and_they notified the police and pawnbrokers everywhere . it_was a great haul, yes, but the old woman won't get anything out of it, because she'll get caught ."

" did they offer a reward ? " asked Buckstone .

" yes, five hundred dollars for_the knife, and five hundred more for_the thief ."

" what a leather- headed idea ! " exclaimed the constable ." the thief das'n't go near them, nor send anybody . whoever goes is going to_get himself nabbed, for their ain't any pawnbroker that's going to lose the chance to--"

if anybody had noticed Tom's face at_that_time, the gray- green color of it might_have provoked curiosity; but nobody did . he_said to himself: "I'm gone ! I never can square up; the rest of_the plunder won't pawn or sell for half of_the bill .Oh, I_know it-- I'm gone, I'm gone-- and this_time it's for good .Oh, this_is awful-- I don't know what to_do, nor which_way to_turn ! "

" softly, softly," said Wilson to Blake ."I planned their scheme for_them at midnight last night, and it_was all finished up shipshape by two this_morning . they'll get their dagger back, and then I'll explain to_you how the thing was_done ."

there were strong signs of a general curiosity, and Buckstone said:

" well, you_have whetted us up pretty sharp . Wilson, and I'm free to_say that if_you don't mind telling us in confidence--"

"Oh, I'd as soon tell as not, Buckstone, but as long as_the twins and I agreed to_say nothing about_it, we_must let it stand so . but you_can take my word for_it, you won't be kept waiting three days . somebody will apply for_that reward pretty promptly, and I'll show you the thief and_the dagger both very_soon afterward ."

the constable was disappointed, and also perplexed . he_said:

" it may all be-- yes, and I_hope_it_will, but I'm blamed if I_can_see my way through it . it's too many for yours truly ."

the subject seemed about talked out . nobody seemed to_have anything further to offer . after a silence the justice of_the peace informed Wilson that he and Buckstone and_the constable had come as a committee, on_the_part of_the democratic party, to ask him to run for mayor-- for_the little town was about to_become a city and_the first charter election was approaching . it was_the first attention which Wilson had ever received at_the hands of any party; it_was asufficiently humble one, but it_was a recognition of_his debut into_the town's life and activities at last; it_was a step upward, and he_was deeply gratified . he accepted, and_the committee departed, followed by young Tom .

chapter 14

Roxana Insists upon reform

the true southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to_be mentioned with commoner things . it_is chief of_this world's luxuries, king by_the grace of god over all the fruits of_the earth . when one has tasted it, he_knows what the angels eat . it_was not a southern watermelon that Eve took: we_know it because she repented .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

about_the_time that Wilson was bowing the committee out, Pembroke Howard was entering the next house to report . he_found the old judge sitting grim and straight in_his chair, waiting .

" well, Howard-- the news ? "

" the best in_the_world ."

"Accepts, does he ? " and_the light of battle gleamed joyously in_the judge's eye .

"Accepts ? why he jumped at it ."

" did, did he ? now that's fine-- that's very fine .I like that . when is_it to_be ? "

" now ! straight off ! tonight ! an admirable fellow-- admirable ! "

" admirable ? he's a darling ! why, it's an honor as_well as a pleasure to stand up before such

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