The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain
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to each_other suggested a witticism to Tom Driscoll, and just as_the chairman began a speech he skipped forward and said, with an air of tipsy confidence, to_the audience:

"Boys, I move that he keeps still and lets this human philopena snip you out a speech ."

the descriptive aptness of_the phrase caught the house, and a mighty burst of laughter followed .

Luigi's southern blood leaped to_the boiling point in a moment under the sharp humiliation of_this insult delivered in_the presence of four hundred strangers . it_was not in_the young man's nature to let the matter pass, or to delay the squaring of_the account . he_took a couple of strides and halted behind the unsuspecting joker . then he drew back and delivered a kick of_such titanic vigor that_it lifted Tom clear over the footlights and landed him on_the heads of_the front row of_the Sons of liberty .

even a sober person does_not like to_have a human being emptied on him when he_is_not going any harm; a person who_is_not sober cannot endure such an attention at all . the nest of Sons of liberty that Driscoll landed in had_not a sober bird in_it; in_fact there_was probably not an entirely sober one in_the auditorium .Driscoll was promptly and indignantly flung on_the heads of Sons in_the next row, and these Sons passed him on toward the rear, and then immediately began to pummel the front row Sons who had passed him to_them . this course was strictly followed by bench after bench as Driscoll traveled in_his tumultuous and airy flight toward the door; so he left behind him an ever-lengthening wake of raging and plunging and fighting and swearing humanity . down went group after group of torches, and presently above the deafening clatter of_the gavel, roar of angry voices, and crash of succumbing benches, rose the paralyzing cry of "_fire ! "

the fighting ceased instantly; the cursing ceased; for_one distinctly defined moment, there_was a dead hush, a motionless calm, where the tempest had_been; then with one impulse the multitude awoke to life and energy again, and went surging and struggling and swaying, this_way and_that, its outer edges melting away through windows and doors and gradually lessening the pressure and relieving the mass .

the fireboys were never on hand so suddenly before; for there_was no distance to_go this_time, their quarters being in_the rear end of_the market house, there_was an engine company and a hook- and- ladder company . half of each was composed of rummies and_the other half of anti-rummies, after_the moral and political share- and- share- alike fashion of_the frontier town of_the period . enough anti-rummies were loafing in quarters to man the engine and_the ladders . in two minutes they had their red shirts and helmets on-- they never stirred officially in unofficial costume-- and as_the mass meeting overhead smashed through_the long row of windows and poured out upon_the roof of_the arcade, the deliverers were ready for_them with a powerful stream of water, which washed some_of_them off the roof and nearly drowned the rest . but water was preferable to fire, and still the stampede from_the windows continued, and still the pitiless drenching assailed it until the building was empty; then the fireboys mounted to_the hall and flooded it with water enough to annihilate forty times as_much fire as_there_was there; for a village fire company does_not often get a chance to show off, and so when it does get a chance, it makes the most of it . such citizens of_that village as were of a thoughtful and judicious temperament did_not insure against fire; they insured against the fire company .

chapter 12

the shame of judge Driscoll

courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-- not absence of fear . except a creature be part coward, it_is_not a compliment to_say it_is brave; it_is merely a loose misapplication of_the word . consider the flea ! -- incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of god, if ignorance of fear were courage . whether you_are asleep or awake he_will attack you, caring nothing for_the fact that in bulk and strength you_are to him as are the massed armies of_the earth to asucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in_the very lap of peril and_the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is_the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before . when we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea-- and put him at_the head of_the procession .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

judge Driscoll was in bed and asleep by ten o'clock on Friday night, and he_was up and gone a-fishing before daylight in_the morning with_his friend Pembroke Howard . these two had_been boys together in Virginia when_that state still ranked as_the chief and most imposing member of_the Union, and_they still coupled the proud and affectionate adjective " old" with her name when_they spoke of her . in Missouri a recognized superiority attached to any person who hailed from old Virginia; and this superiority was exalted to supremacy when a person of_such nativity could also prove descent from_the first families of_that great commonwealth . the Howards and Driscolls were of_this aristocracy . in their eyes, it_was a nobility . it had its unwritten laws, and_they were as clearly defined and as strict as any that could_be found among_the printed statues of_the land . the F .F .V . was born a gentleman; his highest duty in life was to watch over that great inheritance and keep it unsmirched . he_must keep his honor spotless . those laws were his chart; his course was marked out on_it; if he swerved from_it by so_much as half a point of_the compass, it meant shipwreck to_his honor; that_is_to_say, degradation from_his rank as a gentleman . these laws required certain things of him which his religion might forbid: then his religion must yield-- the laws could_not_be relaxed to accommodate religions or anything else . honor stood first; and_the laws defined what it_was and wherein it differed in certain details from honor as defined by church creeds and by_the social laws and customs of some_of_the minor divisions of_the globe that had got crowded out when_the sacred boundaries of Virginia were staked out .

if judge Driscoll was_the recognized first citizen of Dawson's Landing, Pembroke Howard was easily its recognized second citizen . he_was called " the great lawyer"-- an earned title . he and Driscoll were of_the same age--a year or two past sixty .

although Driscoll was a freethinker and Howard a strong and determined Presbyterian, their warm intimacy suffered no impairment in consequence . they were men whose opinions were their own property and not subject to revision and amendment, suggestion or criticism, by anybody, even their friends .

the day's fishing finished, they came floating downstream in their skiff, talking national politics and other high matters, and presently met a skiff coming up from town, with a man in_it who said:

"I reckon you_know one_of_the new twins gave your nephew akicking last night, judge ? "

" did what ? "

" gave him akicking ."

the old judge's lips paled, and_his eyes began to flame . he choked with anger for a moment, then he got out what he_was trying to_say:

" well-- well-- go on ! give_me the details ! "

the man did it . at_the finish the judge was silent a minute, turning over in_his mind the shameful picture of Tom's flight over the footlights; then he_said, as_if musing aloud,

"H'm--I don't understand it . i_was asleep at home . he didn't wake me . thought he_was competent to manage his affair without my help, I reckon ." his face lit up with pride and pleasure at_that thought, and he_said with a cheery complacency, "I like that-- it's the true old blood-- hey, Pembroke ? "

Howard smiled an iron smile, and nodded his head approvingly . then the news-bringer spoke again .

" but Tom beat the twin on_the trial ."

the judge looked at_the man wonderingly, and said:

" the trial ? what trial ? "

" why, Tom had him up before judge Robinson for assault and battery ."

the old man shrank suddenly together like one who has received a death stroke . Howard sprang for him as he sank forward in a swoon, and took him in_his arms, and bedded him on_his back in_the boat . he sprinkled water in_his face, and said to_the startled visitor:

" go, now--don't let him come to and find you here . you_see what an effect your heedless speech has had; you ought_to_have been more considerate than to blurt out such a cruel piece of slander as_that ."

"I'm right down sorry I_did it now, Mr Howard, and I wouldn't have_done it if I had thought; but it ain't slander; it's perfectly true, just as i_told him ."

he rowed away . presently the old judge came out of_his faint and looked up piteously into_the sympathetic face that was bent over him .

" say it ain't true, Pembroke; tell me it ain't true ! " he_said in a weak voice .

there_was nothing weak in_the deep organ tones that responded:

" you_know it's a lie as_well as I_do, old friend . he_is of_the best blood of_the old dominion ."

" god bless you for saying it ! " said the old gentleman, fervently ."Ah, Pembroke, it_was such a blow ! "

Howard stayed by his friend, and saw him home, and entered the house with_him . it_was dark, and past supper- time, but the judge was not thinking of supper; he_was eager to hear the slander refuted from headquarters, and as eager to_have Howard hear it, too .Tom was sent for, and he_came immediately . he_was bruised and lame, and was not a happy- looking object . his uncle made him sit down, and said:

" we_have_been hearing about_your adventure, Tom, with a handsome lie added for embellishment . now pulverize that lie to dust ! what measures have_you taken ? how does the thing stand ? "

Tom answered guilelessly: " it don't stand at all; it's all over .I had him up in court and beat him .Pudd'nhead Wilson defended him-- first case he ever had, and lost it . the judge fined the miserable hound five dollars for_the assault ."

Howard and_the judge sprang to_their feet with_the opening sentence-- why, neither knew; then they stood gazing vacantly at each_other . Howard stood a moment, then sat mournfully down without saying anything . the judge's wrath began to kindle, and he burst out:

" you cur ! you scum ! you vermin ! do_you_mean to_tell me that blood of_my race has suffered a blow and crawled to a court of law about_it ? answer me ! "

Tom's head drooped, and he answered with an eloquent silence . his uncle stared at him with a mixed expression of amazement and shame and incredulity that was sorrowful to_see . at last he_said:

" which of_the twins was_it ? "

" count Luigi ."

" you_have challenged him ? "

"N-- no," hesitated Tom, turning pale .

" you_will challenge him tonight . Howard will carry it ."

Tom began to_turn sick, and to show it . he turned his hat round and round in_his hand, his uncle glowering blacker and blacker upon him as_the heavy seconds drifted by; then at last he began to stammer, and said piteously:

"Oh, please, don't ask me to_do_it, uncle ! he_is a murderous devil-- I never could--I--I'm afraid of him ! "

old Driscoll's mouth opened and closed three times before he_could get it to perform its office; then he stormed out:

"A coward in my family ! aDriscoll a coward ! Oh, what have I done to deserve this infamy ! " he tottered to_his secretary in_the corner, repeated that lament again and again in heartbreaking tones, and got out of a drawer a paper, which he slowly tore to bits, scattering the bits absently in_his track as he walked up and down the room, still grieving and lamenting . at last he_said:

" there it_is, shreds and fragments once more-- my will . once more you_have forced me to disinherit you, you base son of a most noble father ! leave my sight ! go-- before I spit on you ! "

the young man did_not tarry . then the judge turned to Howard:

" you_will_be my second, old friend ? "

" of_course ."

" there_is pen and paper . draft the cartel, and lose no time ."

" the count shall_have it in_his hands in fifteen minutes," said Howard .

Tom was very heavyhearted . his appetite was gone with_his property and_his self- respect . he went out the back way and wandered down the obscure lane grieving, and wondering if any course of future conduct, however discreet and carefully perfected and watched over, could win back his uncle's favor and persuade him to reconstruct once more that generous will which had just gone to ruin before his eyes . he finally concluded that_it could . he_said to himself that he had accomplished this sort of triumph once already, and_that what had_been done once could_be_done again . he_would set about_it . he_would bend every energy to_the task, and he_would score that triumph once more, cost what it might to_his convenience, limit as it might his frivolous and liberty-loving life .

" to_begin," he_says to himself, "I'll square up with_the proceeds of_my raid, and then gambling has got to_be stopped-- and stopped short off . it's the worst vice I've got-- from my standpoint, anyway,

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