The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain
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read it in after years, and be thereby moved to deeds of gentleness and humanity himself .

chapter 3

Roxy Plays a shrewd trick

whoever has lived long enough to_find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of_our race . he brought death into_the world .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

Percy Driscoll slept well the night he saved his house minions from going down the river, but no wink of sleep visited Roxy's eyes .a profound terror had taken possession of her . her child could grow up and be sold down the river ! the thought crazed her with horror . if she dozed and lost herself for a moment, the next moment she was on her feet flying to her child's cradle to_see if_it_was still there . then she_would gather it to her heart and pour out her love upon it in a frenzy of kisses, moaning, crying, and saying, "Dey sha'n't, oh, dey sha'nt' ! '_--yo' po' mammy will kill you fust ! "

once, when she was tucking him back in its cradle again, the other child nestled in its sleep and attracted her attention . she went and stood over it a long_time communing with herself .

" what has my po' baby done, dat he couldn't have yo' luck ? he hain't done nuth'n . god was good to_you; why warn't he good to him ? Dey can't sell you down de river .I hates yo' pappy; he hain't got no heart-- for niggers, he hain't, anyways .I hates him, en I_could kill him ! " she paused awhile, thinking; then she burst into wild sobbings again, and turned away, saying, "Oh, I got to kill my chile, dey ain't no yuther way--killin' him wouldn't save de chile fum goin' down de river .Oh, I got to_do_it, yo' po' mammy's got to kill you to save you, honey ." she gathered her baby to her bosom now, and began to smother it with caresses ."Mammy's got to kill you-- how kin I do_it ! but yo' mammy ain't gwine to desert you-- no, no, dah_, don't cry-- she gwine wid you, she gwine to kill herself too . come along, honey, come along wid mammy; we gwine to jump in de river, den troubles o' dis worl' is all over--dey don't sell po' niggers down the river over yonder ."

she stared toward the door, crooning to_the child and hushing it; midway she stopped, suddenly . she had caught sight of her new Sunday gown-- a cheap curtain- calico thing, a conflagration of gaudy colors and fantastic figures . she surveyed it wistfully, longingly .

"Hain't ever wore it yet," she said, "en it's just lovely ." then she nodded her head in response to a pleasant idea, and added, " no, I ain't gwine to_be fished out, wid everybody lookin' at me, in dis mis' able ole linsey-woolsey ."

she put down the child and made the change . she looked in_the glass and was astonished at her beauty . she resolved to_make her death toilet perfect . she took off her handkerchief turban and dressed her glossy wealth of hair " like white folks"; she added some odds and ends of rather lurid ribbon and a spray of atrocious artificial flowers; finally she threw over her shoulders a fluffy thing called a" cloud" in_that day, which_was of ablazing red complexion . then she was ready for_the tomb .

she gathered up her baby once more; but when her eye fell upon its miserably short little gray tow- linen shirt and noted the contrast between its pauper shabbiness and her own volcanic eruption of infernal splendors, her mother- heart was touched, and she was ashamed .

" no, dolling mammy ain't gwine to treat you so .De angels is gwine to ' mire you jist as_much as dey does 'yo mammy .Ain't gwine to_have 'em putt'n dey han's up 'fo' dey eyes en sayin' to David and Goliah en dem yuther prophets, 'Dat chile is dress' to indelicate fo' dis place .'"

by_this_time she had stripped off the shirt . now she clothed the naked little creature in one of Thomas `a Becket's snowy, long baby gowns, with its bright blue bows and dainty flummery of ruffles .

"Dah-- now you's fixed ." she propped the child in a chair and stood off to inspect it . straightway her eyes begun to widen with astonishment and admiration, and she clapped her hands and cried out, " why, it do beat all ! I never knowed you was so lovely .Marse Tommy ain't a bit puttier-- not a single bit ."

she stepped over and glanced at_the other infant;' she flung a glance back at her own; then one more at_the heir of_the house . now a strange

light dawned in her eyes, and in a moment she was lost in thought . she seemed in a trance; when she came out of it, she muttered, " when I 'uz a-washin' 'em in de tub, yistiddy, he own pappy asked me which of 'em was his'n ."

she began to move around like one in a dream . she undressed Thomas `a Becket, stripping him of everything, and put the tow- linen shirt on him . she put his coral necklace on her own child's neck . then she placed the children side by side, and after earnest inspection she muttered:

" now who_would b'lieve clo'es could do de like o' dat ? dog my cats if_it ain't all I kin do to_tell t' other fum which, let alone his pappy ."

she put her cub in Tommy's elegant cradle and said:

" you's young Marse Tom fum dis out, en I got to practice and git used to 'memberin' to_call you dat, honey, or I's gwine to_make a mistake sometime en git us bofe into trouble .Dah-- now you lay still en don't fret no mo', Marse Tom .Oh, thank de lord in heaven, you's saved, you's saved ! Dey ain't no man kin ever sell mammy's po' little honey down de river now ! "

she put the heir of_the house in her own child's unpainted pine cradle, and said, contemplating its slumbering form uneasily:

"I's sorry for_you, honey; I's sorry, god knows I is-- but what kin I_do, what could I_do ? Yo' pappy would sell him to somebody, sometime, en den he'd go down de river, sho', en I couldn't, couldn't, _couldn't stan' it ."

she flung herself on her bed and began to_think and toss, toss and think . by and by she sat suddenly upright, for acomforting thought had flown through her worried mind--

"'T ain't no sin--_white folks has_done it ! it ain't no sin, glory to goodness it ain't no sin ! Dey's done it-- yes, en dey was de biggest quality in de whole bilin', too--_kings ! "_

she began to muse; she was trying to gather out of her memory the dim particulars of some tale she had heard some_time or other . at last she said--

" now I's got it; now I ' member . it_was dat ole nigger preacher dat tole it, de time he come over here fum Illinois en preached in de nigger church . he_said dey ain't nobody kin save his own self-- can't do_it by faith, can't do_it by works, can't do_it no way at all . free grace is de on'y way, en dat don't come fum nobody but jis' de lord; en he kin give it to anybody he please, saint or sinner--_he don't kyer . he do jis' as he's amineter . he s'lect out anybody dat suit him, en put another one in_his place, and make de fust one happy forever en leave t' other one to burn wid Satan .De preacher said it_was jist like dey done in Englan' one_time, long_time_ago .De queen she lef' her baby layin' aroun' one day, en went out callin'; an one 'o de niggers roun' bout de place dat was 'mos' white, she come in en see de chile layin' aroun', en tuck en put her own chile's clo's on de queen's chile, en put de queen's chile's clo'es on her own chile, en den lef' her own chile layin' aroun', en tuck en toted de queen's chile home to de nigger quarter, en nobody ever foun' it out, en her chile was de king bimeby, en sole de queen's chile down de river one_time when dey had to settle up de estate .Dah, now--de preacher said it his own self, en it ain't no sin, 'ca'se white folks done it .DEY done it-- yes, DEY done it; en not on'y jis' common white folks nuther, but de biggest quality dey is in de whole bilin' .Oh_, I's so glad I ' member ' bout dat ! "

she got lighthearted and happy, and went to_the cradles, and spent what_was left of_the night "practicing ." she_would give her own child a light pat and say humbly, "Lay still, Marse Tom," then give the real Tom a pat and say with severity, "Lay still_, Chambers ! Does you_want me to_take somep'n to_you ? "

as she progressed with her practice, she was surprised to_see how steadily and surely the awe which had kept her tongue reverent and her manner humble toward her young master was transferring itself to her speech and manner toward the usurper, and how similarly handy she was becoming in transferring her motherly curtness of speech and peremptoriness of manner to_the unlucky heir of_the ancient house of Driscoll .

she took occasional rests from practicing, and absorbed herself in calculating her chances .

"Dey'll sell dese niggers today fo' stealin' de money, den dey'll buy some mo' dat don't now de chillen-- so dat's all right . when I takes de chillen out to git de air, de minute I's roun' de corner I's gwine to gaum dey mouths all roun' wid jam, den dey can't nobody notice dey's changed . yes, I gwine ter do dat till I's safe, if_it's a year .

"Dey ain't but one man dat I's afeard of, en dat's dat Pudd'nhead Wilson .Dey calls him apudd'nhead, en says he's a fool . my lan, dat man ain't no mo' fool den I is ! he's de smartes' man in dis town, lessn' it's Jedge Driscoll or maybe Pem Howard . blame dat man, he worries me wid dem ornery glasses o' his'n; I b'lieve he's a witch . but nemmine, I's gwine to happen aroun' dah one o' dese days en let on dat I reckon he_wants to_print achillen's fingers ag' in; en if he don't notice dey's changed, I bound dey ain't nobody gwine to notice it, en den I's safe, sho' . but I reckon I'll tote along ahoss- shoe to_keep off de witch work ."

the new Negros gave Roxy no trouble, of_course . the master gave her none, for_one of_his speculations was in jeopardy, and_his mind was so occupied that he hardly saw the children when he looked at them, and all Roxy had to_do was to_get them both into a gale of laughter when he_came about; then their faces were mainly cavities exposing gums, and he_was gone again before_the spasm passed and_the little creatures resumed a human aspect .

within a few_days the fate of_the speculation became so dubious that Mr Percy went away with_his brother, the judge, to_see what could_be_done with it . it_was a land speculation as usual, and it had gotten complicated with a lawsuit . the men were gone seven weeks . before_they got back, Roxy had paid her visit to Wilson, and was satisfied . Wilson took the fingerprints, labeled them with_the names and with_the date-- October the first-- put them carefully away, and continued his chat with Roxy, who seemed very anxious that he_should admire the great advance in flesh and beauty which the babes had made since he_took their fingerprints a month before . he complimented their improvement to her contentment; and as_they were without any disguise of jam or other stain, she trembled all the while and was miserably frightened lest at any moment he--

but he didn't . he discovered nothing; and she went home jubilant, and dropped all concern about_the_matter permanently out of her mind .

chapter 4

the Ways of_the Changelings

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that_they escaped teething .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

there_is this trouble about special providences-- namely, there_is so often a doubt as to_which party was intended to_be the beneficiary . in_the case of_the children, the bears, and_the prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out_of_the episode than_the prophet did, because they got the children .

--Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

this history must henceforth accommodate itself to_the change which Roxana has consummated, and call the real heir "Chambers" and_the usurping little slave, "Thomas `a Becket"-- shortening this latter name to "Tom," for daily use, as_the people about him did .

"Tom" was a bad baby, from_the very beginning of_his usurpation . he_would cry for nothing; he_would burst into storms of devilish temper without notice, and let go scream after scream and squall after squall, then climax the thing with "holding his breath"-- that frightful specialty of_the teething nursling, in_the throes of_which the creature exhausts its lungs, then is convulsed with noiseless squirmings and twistings and kickings in_the effort to_get its breath, while the lips turn blue and_the mouth stands wide and rigid, offering for inspection one wee tooth set in_the lower rim of a hoop of red gums; and when_the appalling stillness has endured until one is sure the lost breath will never return, a nurse comes flying, and dashes water in_the child's face, and-- presto ! the lungs fill, and instantly discharge a shriek, or a yell, or a howl which bursts the listening ear and surprises the owner of it into saying words which would_not go well with a halo if he had one . the baby Tom would claw anybody who came within reach of_his nails, and pound anybody he_could reach with_his rattle . he_would scream for water until he got it, and then throw cup and all on_the floor and scream for more . he_was indulged in all his caprices, howsoever troublesome and exasperating they_might_be; he_was allowed to eat anything he_wanted, particularly things that_would give him the stomach- ache .

when he got to_be old enough to_begin to toddle about and say broken words and get an idea of what his hands were for, he_was a more consummate pest than ever .Roxy got no rest while he_was awake . he_would call for anything and everything he_saw, simply saying, "Awnt it ! " ( want it), which_was a command . when it_was brought, he_said in a frenzy, and motioning it away with_his hands, "Don't awnt it ! don't awnt it ! " and_the moment it_was gone he set up frantic yells of "Awnt it ! awnt it ! " and Roxy had to_give wings to her heels to_get that thing back to him again before he_could get time to carry out his intention of going into convulsions about_it .

what he preferred above all other things was_the tongs . this_was because his " father" had forbidden him to_have them lest he break windows and furniture with_them . the moment Roxy's back was turned he_would toddle to_the presence of_the tongs and say, " like it ! " and cock his eye to one side or see if Roxy was observed; then, "Awnt it ! " and cock

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