The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson by Mark Twain
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. he_took down his sign, after a while, and put it up on_his own house with_the law features knocked out of it . it offered his services now in_the humble capacities of land surveyor and expert accountant . now_and_then he got a job of surveying to_do, and now_and_then a merchant got him to straighten out his books . with Scotch patience and pluck he resolved to live down his reputation and work his way into_the legal field yet . poor fellow, he_could foresee that_it_was going to_take him such a weary long_time to_do_it .

he had a rich abundance of idle time, but it never hung heavy on_his hands, for he interested himself in every new thing that was born into_the universe of ideas, and studied it, and experimented upon it at his house . one of_his pet fads was palmistry . to another one he_gave no name, neither would he explain to anybody what its purpose was, but merely said it_was an amusement . in_fact, he had found that his fads added to_his reputation as apudd'nhead; there, he_was growing chary of being too communicative about_them . the fad without a name was one which dealt with people's finger marks . he carried in_his coat pocket a shallow box with grooves in_it, and in_the grooves strips of glass five inches long and three inches wide . along the lower edge of each strip was pasted a slip of white paper . he asked people to_pass their hands through their hair ( thus collecting upon them a thin coating of_the natural oil) and then making a thumb- mark on a glass strip, following it with_the mark of_the ball of each finger in succession . under this row of faint grease prints he_would write a record on_the strip of white paper-- thus:

JOHN smith, right hand--

and add the day of_the month and_the year, then take smith's left_hand on another glass strip, and add name and date and_the words " left_hand ." the strips were now returned to_the grooved box, and took their place among what Wilson called his "records ."

he often studied his records, examining and poring over them with absorbing interest until far into_the night; but what he_found there-- if he_found anything-- he revealed to no one .Sometimes he copied on paper the involved and delicate pattern left by_the ball of_the finger, and then vastly enlarged it with a pantograph so_that he_could examine its web of curving lines with ease and convenience .

one sweltering afternoon-- it was_the first day of July, 1830-- he_was at work over a set of tangled account books in_his workroom, which looked westward over a stretch of vacant lots, when a conversation outside disturbed him . it_was carried on_it yells, which showed that_the people engaged in_it were_not close together .

" say, Roxy, how does yo' baby come on ? " this from_the distant voice .

"Fust- rate . how does you come on, Jasper ? " this yell was from close by .

"Oh, I's middlin'; hain't got noth'n' to complain of, I's gwine to_come a- court'n you bimeby, Roxy ."

"_You is, you black mud cat ! Yah--yah--yah ! I got somep'n' better to_do den 'sociat'n' wid niggers as black as_you is . is ole miss Cooper's Nancy done give_you de mitten ? " Roxy followed this sally with another discharge of carefree laughter .

" you's jealous, Roxy, dat's what's de matter wid you, you hussy--yah--yah--yah ! Dat's de time I got you ! "

"Oh, yes, you got me, hain't you .'Clah to goodness if dat conceit o' yo'n strikes in, Jasper, it gwine to kill you sho' . if_you b' longed to_me, I'd sell you down de river 'fo' you git too fur gone .Fust time I runs acrost yo' marster, I's gwine to_tell him so ."

this idle and aimless jabber went on and on, both parties enjoying the friendly duel and each well satisfied with_his own share of_the wit exchanged-- for wit they considered it .

Wilson stepped to_the window to observe the combatants; he_could_not work while their chatter continued . over in_the vacant lots was Jasper, young, coal black, and of magnificent build, sitting on a wheelbarrow in_the pelting sun-- at work, supposably, whereas he_was in_fact only preparing for_it by taking an hour's rest before beginning . in front of Wilson's porch stood Roxy, with a local handmade baby wagon, in_which sat her two charges-- one at each end and facing each_other . from Roxy's manner of speech, a stranger would_have expected her to_be black, but she was not . only_one sixteenth of her was black, and_that sixteenth did_not show . she was of majestic form and stature, her attitudes were imposing and statuesque, and her gestures and movements distinguished by a noble and stately grace . her complexion was very fair, with_the rosy glow of vigorous health in her cheeks, her face was full of character and expression, her eyes were brown and liquid, and she had a heavy suit of fine soft hair which_was also brown, but the fact was not apparent because her head was bound about with a checkered handkerchief and_the hair was concealed under it . her face was shapely, intelligent, and comely-- even beautiful . she had an easy, independent carriage-- when she was among her own caste-- and a high and "sassy" way, withal; but of_course she was meek and humble enough where white people were .

to all intents and purposes Roxy was as white as anybody, but the one sixteenth of her which_was black outvoted the other fifteen parts and made her a Negro . she was a slave, and salable as such . her child was thirty- one parts white, and he, too, was a slave, and by a fiction of law and custom a Negro . he had blue eyes and flaxen curls like his white comrade, but even the father of_the white child was able to_tell the children apart-- little as he had commerce with_them-- by their clothes; for_the white babe wore ruffled soft muslin and a coral necklace, while the other wore merely a coarse tow- linen shirt which barely reached to its knees, and no jewelry .

the white child's name was Thomas aBecket Driscoll, the other's name was valet de Chambre: no surname--slaves hadn't the privilege .Roxana had heard that phrase somewhere, the fine sound of it had pleased her ear, and as she had supposed it_was a name, she loaded it on to her darling . it soon got shorted to "Chambers," of_course .

Wilson knew Roxy by sight, and when_the duel of wits begun to play out, he stepped outside to gather in a record or two . Jasper went to work energetically, at once, perceiving that his leisure was observed . Wilson inspected the children and asked:

" how old are they, Roxy ? "

"Bofe de same age, sir--five months .Bawn de fust o' Feb'uary ."

" they're handsome little chaps . one's just as handsome as_the other, too ."

a delighted smile exposed the girl's white teeth, and she said:

" bless yo' soul, Misto Wilson, it's POW'ful nice o' you to_say dat, 'ca'se one of 'em ain't on'y anigger . mighty prime little nigger, _I al'ays says, but dat's 'ca'se it's mine, o' course ."

" how do_you tell them apart, Roxy, when_they haven't any clothes on ? "

Roxy laughed a laugh proportioned to her size, and said:

"Oh, I kin tell 'em ' part, Misto Wilson, but I bet Marse Percy couldn't, not to save his life ."

Wilson chatted along for awhile, and presently got Roxy's fingerprints for_his collection-- right hand and left-- on a couple of_his glass strips; then labeled and dated them, and took the "records" of both children, and labeled and dated them also .

two months later, on_the third of September, he_took this trio of finger marks again . he liked to_have a" series," two_or_three " takings" at intervals during the period of childhood, these to_be followed at intervals of several years .

the next_day-- that_is_to_say, on_the fourth of September-- something occurred which profoundly impressed Roxana .Mr Driscoll missed another small sum of money-- which_is a way of saying that_this was not a new thing, but had happened before . in truth, it had happened three times before .Driscoll's patience was exhausted . he_was a fairly humane man toward slaves and other animals; he_was an exceedingly humane man toward the erring of_his own race . theft he_could_not abide, and plainly there_was a thief in_his house . necessarily the thief must_be one of_his Negros . sharp measures must_be taken . he_called his servants before him . there were three of_these, besides Roxy: a man, a woman, and a boy twelve years old . they were_not related .Mr Driscoll said:

" you_have all been warned before . it has_done no good . this_time i_will teach you a lesson . i_will sell the thief . which of you is_the guilty one ? "

they all shuddered at_the threat, for here they had a good home, and a new one was likely to_be a change for_the worse . the denial was general . none had stolen anything-- not money, anyway--a little sugar, or cake, or honey, or something like that, that "Marse Percy wouldn't mind or miss" but not money-- never a cent of money . they were eloquent in their protestations, but Mr Driscoll was not moved by_them . he answered each in turn with a stern " name the thief ! "

the truth was, all were guilty but Roxana; she suspected that_the others were guilty, but she did_not know them to_be so . she was horrified to_think how near she had come to being guilty herself; she had_been saved in_the nick of_time by a revival in_the colored methodist church, a fortnight before, at_which_time and place she " got religion ." the very next_day after_that gracious experience, while her change of style was fresh upon her and she was vain of her purified condition, her master left a couple dollars unprotected on_his desk, and she happened upon that temptation when she was polishing around with adustrag . she looked at_the money awhile with a steady rising resentment, then she burst out with:

"Dad blame dat revival, I wisht it had 'a' be'n put off till tomorrow ! "

then she covered the tempter with a book, and another member of_the kitchen cabinet got it . she made this sacrifice as a matter of religious etiquette; as a thing necessary just now, but by no means to_be wrested into a precedent; no, a week_or_two would limber up her piety, then she_would be rational again, and_the next two dollars that got left out in_the cold would find a comforter-- and she_could name the comforter .

was she bad ? was she worse than_the general run of her race ? no . they had an unfair show in_the battle of life, and_they held it no sin to_take military advantage of_the enemy-- in a small way; in a small way, but not in a large one . they_would smouch provisions from_the pantry whenever they got a chance; or a brass thimble, or a cake of wax, or an emery bag, or a paper of needles, or a silver spoon, or a dollar bill, or small articles of clothing, or any_other property of light value; and so_far were they from considering such reprisals sinful, that they_would go to church and shout and pray the loudest and sincerest with their plunder in their pockets .a farm smokehouse had to_be kept heavily padlocked, or even the colored deacon himself could_not resist a ham when Providence showed him in a dream, or otherwise, where such a thing hung lonesome, and longed for someone to love . but with a hundred hanging before him, the deacon would_not take two-- that_is, on_the same night . on frosty nights the humane Negro prowler would warm the end of_the plank and put it up under the cold claws of chickens roosting in a tree; a drowsy hen would step on to_the comfortable board, softly clucking her gratitude, and_the prowler would dump her into his bag, and later into his stomach, perfectly sure that in taking this trifle from_the man who daily robbed him of an inestimable treasure-- his liberty-- he_was not committing any sin that god would remember against him in_the last great day .

" name the thief ! "

for_the fourth time Mr Driscoll had said it, and always in_the same hard tone . and now he added these words of awful import:

"I give_you one minute ." he_took out his watch ." if at_the end of_that_time, you_have_not confessed, i_will_not only sell all four of you, but-- i_will sell you down the river ! "

it_was equivalent to condemning them to hell ! no Missouri Negro doubted this .Roxy reeled in her tracks, and_the color vanished out of her face; the others dropped to_their knees as if_they had_been shot; tears gushed from their eyes, their supplicating hands went up, and three answers came in_the one instant .

"I done it ! "

"I done it ! "

"I done it ! -- have mercy, marster-- lord have mercy on us po' niggers ! "

" very_good," said the master, putting up his watch, " i_will sell you here though you don't deserve it . you ought_to_be sold down the river ."

the culprits flung themselves prone, in an ecstasy of gratitude, and kissed his feet, declaring that they_would never forget his goodness and never cease to pray for him as long as_they lived . they were sincere, for like a god he had stretched forth his mighty hand and closed the gates of hell against them . he_knew, himself, that he had done a noble and gracious thing, and was privately well pleased with_his magnanimity; and_that night he set the incident down in_his diary, so_that his son might read

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