Oz 07: The Patchwork Girl of Oz by L. Frank Baum
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want war, do_you ? "

" not if_we_can help it," admitted Jak Horner ." the question is, who's going to explain the joke to_the Horners ? you_know it spoils any joke to_be obliged to explain it, and this_is_the best joke I ever heard ."

" who_made the joke ? " asked Scraps .

"Diksey Horner . he_is working in_the mines, just now, but he'll be home before long . suppose we wait and talk with_him about_it ? maybe he'll be willing to explain his joke to_the Hoppers ."

" all right," said Scraps ."I'll wait, if Diksey isn't too long ."

" no, he's short; he's shorter than I_am .Ha, ha, ha ! say ! that's a better joke than Diksey's . he won't be too long, because he's short .Hee, hee, ho ! "

the other Horners who were standing by roared with laughter and seemed to like their chief's joke as_much as he_did .Scraps thought it_was odd that they_could be so easily amused, but decided there could_be little harm in people who laughed so merrily .

chapter Twenty- three

peace is declared

" come with me to my dwelling and I'll introduce you to my daughters," said the chief ." we're bringing them up according to a book of rules that was written by one_of_our leading old bachelors, and everyone says they're a remarkable lot of girls ."

so Scraps accompanied him along the street to a house that seemed on_the outside exceptionally grimy and dingy . the streets of_this city were_not paved nor had any attempt been made to beautify the houses or their surroundings, and having noticed this condition Scraps was astonished when_the chief ushered her into his home .

here was nothing grimy or faded, indeed . on_the contrary, the room was of dazzling brilliance and beauty, for it_was lined throughout with an exquisite metal that resembled translucent frosted silver . the surface of_this metal was highly ornamented in raised designs representing men, animals, flowers and trees, and from_the metal itself was radiated the soft light which flooded the room . all the furniture was_made of_the same glorious metal, and Scraps asked what it_was .

" that's radium," answered the chief ." we Horners spend all our time digging radium from_the mines under this mountain, and we use it to decorate our homes and make them pretty and cosy . it_is a medicine, too, and no one can ever be sick who lives near radium ."

" have_you plenty of it ? " asked the patchwork girl .

" more than we_can use . all the houses in_this city are decorated with it, just the same as mine is ."

" why don't you use it on_your streets, then, and_the outside of your houses, to_make them as pretty as_they_are within ? " she inquired .

" outside ? who cares for_the outside of anything ? " asked the chief ." we Horners don't live on_the outside of_our homes; we live inside . many people are like those stupid Hoppers, who love to_make an outside show .I suppose you strangers thought their city more beautiful than ours, because you judged from appearances and they_have handsome marble houses and marble streets; but if_you entered one of_their stiff dwellings you_would find it bare and uncomfortable, as all their show is on_the outside . they_have an idea that what_is not seen by others is_not important, but with_us the rooms we live in are our chief delight and care, and we pay no attention to outside show ."

"Seems to_me," said Scraps, musingly, " it would_be better to_make it all pretty-- inside and out ."

"Seems ? why, you're all seams, my girl ! " said the chief; and then he laughed heartily at his latest joke and a chorus of small voices echoed the chorus with " tee-hee-hee ! ha, ha ! "

Scraps turned around and found a row of girls seated in radium chairs ranged along one wall of_the room . there were nineteen of_them, by actual count, and_they were of all sizes from a tiny child to one almost a grown woman . all were neatly dressed in spotless white robes and had brown skins, horns on their foreheads and three- colored hair .

" these," said the chief, " are my sweet daughters . my dears, I introduce to_you miss Scraps patchwork, a lady who_is traveling in foreign parts to increase her store of wisdom ."

the nineteen Horner girls all arose and made a polite curtsey, after which they resumed their seats and rearranged their robes properly .

" why do they sit so still, and all in a row ? " asked Scraps .

" because it_is ladylike and proper," replied the chief .

" but some are just children, poor things ! Don't they ever run around and play and laugh, and_have a good_time ? "

" no, indeed," said the chief ." that_would he improper in young ladies, as_well as in those who_will sometime become young ladies . my daughters are being brought up according to_the rules and regulations laid down by aleading bachelor who has_given the subject much study and_is himself a man of taste and culture . politeness is his great hobby, and he claims that if a child is allowed to_do an impolite thing one cannot expect the grown person to_do anything better ."

" is_it impolite to romp and shout and be jolly ? " asked Scraps .

" well, sometimes it_is, and sometimes it isn't," replied the Horner, after considering the question ." by curbing such inclinations in my daughters we keep on_the safe side . once in a while I make a good joke, as_you_have heard, and then I permit my daughters to laugh decorously; but they_are never allowed to_make a joke themselves ."

" that old bachelor who_made the rules ought_to_be skinned alive ! " declared Scraps, and would_have said more on_the_subject had_not the door opened to admit a little Horner man whom the chief introduced as Diksey .

" what's up, chief ? " asked Diksey, winking nineteen times at_the nineteen girls, who demurely cast down their eyes because their father was looking .

the chief told the man that his joke had_not_been understood by_the dull Hoppers, who had become so angry that_they had declared war . so the only way to avoid a terrible battle was to explain the joke so they_could understand it .

" all right," replied Diksey, who seemed a good- natured man; "I'll go at once to_the fence and explain .I don't want any war with_the Hoppers, for wars between nations always cause hard feelings ."

so the chief and Diksey and Scraps left the house and went back to_the marble picket fence . the Scarecrow was still stuck on_the top of_his picket but had now ceased to struggle . on_the other side of_the fence were Dorothy and Ojo, looking between_the pickets; and there, also, were the champion and many_other Hoppers .

Diksey went close to_the fence and said:

" my good Hoppers, i_wish to explain that what I_said about you was a joke . you_have but one leg each, and we_have two legs each . our legs are under us, whether one_or_two, and we stand on them . so, when I_said you had less understanding than we, I_did_not mean that you had less understanding, you understand, but that you had less standundering, so to_speak . do_you understand that ? "

the Hoppers thought it over carefully . then one said:

" that_is clear enough; but where does the joke come in ? '"

Dorothy laughed, for she couldn't help it, although all the others were solemn enough .

"I'll tell you where the joke comes in," she said, and took the Hoppers away to a distance, where the Horners could_not hear them ." you_know," she then explained, " those neighbors of yours are_not very bright, poor things, and what they_think is a joke isn't a joke at all-- it's true, don't you_see ? "

" true that we_have less understanding ? " asked the champion .

" yes; it's true because you don't understand such a poor joke; if you_did, you'd be no wiser than they_are ."

"Ah, yes; of_course," they answered, looking very wise .

" so I'll tell you what to_do," continued Dorothy ." laugh at their poor joke and tell 'em it's pretty good for aHorner . then they won't dare say you_have less understanding, because you understand as_much as they_do ."

the Hoppers looked at one another questioningly and blinked their eyes and tried to_think what it all meant; but they couldn't figure it out .

" what do_you_think, champion ? " asked one_of_them .

" i_think it_is dangerous to_think of_this thing any more than we_can help," he replied ." let_us do as_this girl says and laugh with_the Horners, so as to_make them believe we see the joke . then there_will_be peace again and no need to fight ."

they readily agreed to_this and returned to_the fence laughing as loud and as hard as they_could, although they didn't feel like laughing a bit . the Horners were much surprised .

" that's a fine joke-- for aHorner-- and we_are much pleased with it," said the champion, speaking between_the pickets ." but please don't do_it again ."

"I won't," promised Diksey ." if i_think of another such joke I'll try to forget it ."

" good ! " cried the chief Horner ." the war is over and peace is declared ."

there_was much joyful shouting on both sides of_the fence and_the gate was unlocked and thrown wide open, so_that Scraps was able to rejoin her friends .

" what about_the Scarecrow ? " she asked Dorothy .

" we_must get him down, somehow or other," was_the reply .

" perhaps the Horners can find a way," suggested Ojo . so they all went through_the gate and Dorothy asked the chief Horner how they_could get the Scarecrow off the fence . the chief didn't know how, but Diksey said:

"A ladder's the thing ."

" have_you one ? " asked Dorothy .

" to_be_sure . we use ladders in_our mines," said he . then he ran away to_get the ladder, and while he_was gone the Horners gathered around and welcomed the strangers to_their country, for through them a great war had_been avoided .

in a little while Diksey came back with a tall ladder which he placed against the fence .Ojo at once climbed to_the top of_the ladder and Dorothy went about halfway up and Scraps stood at_the foot of it .Toto ran around it and barked . then Ojo pulled the Scarecrow away from_the picket and passed him down to Dorothy, who in turn lowered him to_the patchwork girl .

as_soon_as he_was on_his feet and standing on solid ground the Scarecrow said:

" much obliged . I_feel much better .I'm not stuck on_that picket any more ."

the Horners began to laugh, thinking this_was a joke, but the Scarecrow shook himself and patted his straw a little and said to Dorothy: " is_there much of a hole in my back ? "

the little girl examined him carefully .

" there's quite a hole," she said ." but I've got a needle and thread in_the knapsack and I'll sew you up again ."

" do_so," he begged earnestly, and again the Hoppers laughed, to_the Scarecrow's great annoyance .

while Dorothy was sewing up the hole in_the straw man's back Scraps examined the other parts of him .

" one of_his legs is ripped, too ! " she exclaimed .

"Oho ! " cried little Diksey; " that's bad . give him the needle and thread and let him mend his ways ."

"Ha, ha, ha ! " laughed the chief, and_the other Horners at once roared with laughter .

" what's funny ? " inquired the Scarecrow sternly .

"Don't you_see ? " asked Diksey, who had laughed even harder than_the others ." that's a joke . it's by odds the best joke I ever made . you walk with your legs, and so_that's the way you walk, and your legs are the ways . see ? so, when_you mend your legs, you mend your ways .Ho, ho, ho ! hee, hee ! I'd no idea I_could make such a fine joke ! "

" just wonderful ! " echoed the chief ." how do_you manage to_do_it, Diksey ? "

"I don't know," said Diksey modestly ." perhaps it's the radium, but I rather think it's my splendid intellect ."

" if_you don't quit it," the Scarecrow told him, " there'll be a worse war than_the one you've escaped from ."

Ojo had_been deep in thought, and now he asked the chief: " is_there a dark well in any part of your country ? "

"A dark well ? none that ever I heard of," was_the answer .

"Oh, yes," said Diksey, who overheard the boy's question ." there's a very dark well down in my radium mine ."

" is_there any water in_it ? " Ojo eagerly asked .

" can't say; I've never looked to_see . but we_can find out ."

so, as_soon_as_the Scarecrow was mended, they decided to_go with Diksey to_the mine . when Dorothy had patted the straw man into shape again he declared he_felt as good as new and equal to further adventures .

" still," said he, "I prefer not to_do picket duty again . high life doesn't seem to agree with my constitution ." and then they hurried away to escape the laughter of_the Horners, who thought this_was another joke .

chapter Twenty-Four

Ojo Finds the dark well

they now followed Diksey to_the farther end of_the great cave, beyond the Horner city, where there were several round, dark holes leading into_the ground in aslanting direction .Diksey went to one_of_these holes and said:

" here_is_the mine in_which lies the dark well you_are seeking . follow me and step carefully and I'll lead you to_the place ."

he went in first and after him came Ojo, and then Dorothy, with_the Scarecrow behind her . the patchwork girl entered last of all, for Toto kept close beside his little mistress .

a few steps beyond the mouth of_the opening it_was pitch dark ." you won't lose your way, though," said the Horner, " for there's only_one way to_go . the mine's mine and I_know every step of_the way . how's that for a joke, eh ? the mine's mine ." then he chuckled gleefully as_they followed him silently down the steep slant . the hole was just big enough to permit them to walk upright, although the Scarecrow, being much the taller of_the party, often had to bend his head to_keep

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