the obliterated man

by H .G .Wells

i_was-- you shall hear immediately why I_am not now-- Egbert Craddock Cummins . the name remains . I_am still ( heaven help me ! ) dramatic critic to_the fiery cross . what I_shall_be in a little while I_do_not know .I write in great trouble and confusion of mind . i_will do what I_can to_make myself clear in_the face of terrible difficulties . you_must bear with me a little . when a man is rapidly losing his own identity, he naturally finds a difficulty in expressing himself . i_will make it perfectly plain in a minute, when once I get my grip upon_the story . let me see-- where _am I ? i_wish I_knew .Ah, I_have it ! dead self ! Egbert Craddock Cummins !

in_the_past i_should_have disliked writing anything quite so full of "I" as_this story must_be . it_is full of "I's" before and behind, like the beast in revelation-- the one with a head like a calf, I_am afraid . but my tastes have changed since I became a dramatic critic and studied the masters--G .a. S ., G .B .S ., G .R .S ., and_the others . everything has changed since then . at_least the story is about myself-- so that_there_is some excuse for_me . and it_is really not egotism, because, as I_say, since those days my identity has undergone an entire alteration .

that past ! .. . i_was-- in those days-- rather a nice fellow, rather shy-- taste for grey in my clothes, weedy little moustache, face "interesting," slight stutter which I had caught in my early life from aschoolfellow . engaged to a very nice girl, named Delia . fairly new, she was-- cigarettes-- liked me because i_was human and original . considered i_was like Lamb-- on_the strength of_the stutter, I believe . father, an eminent authority on postage stamps . she read a great deal in_the British museum .(A perfect pairing ground for literary people, that British museum-- you_should read George Egerton and Justin Huntly M'Carthy and Gissing and_the rest of_them .) we loved in_our intellectual way, and shared the brightest hopes .( all gone now .) and her father liked me because I seemed honestly eager to hear about stamps . she had no mother . indeed, I had the happiest prospects a young man could_have .I never went to theatres in those days . my aunt Charlotte before she died had told me not to .

then Barnaby, the editor of_the fiery Cross_, made me-- in_spite of_my spasmodic efforts to escape-- dramatic critic . he_is a fine, healthy man, Barnaby, with an enormous head of frizzy black hair and aconvincing manner, and he caught me on_the staircase going to_see Wembly . he had_been dining, and was more than usually buoyant ."Hullo, Cummins ! " he_said ." the very man i_want ! " he caught me by_the shoulder or the collar or something, ran me up the little passage, and flung me over the waste- paper basket into_the arm- chair in_his office ." pray be seated," he_said, as he_did so . then he ran across the room and came back with some pink and yellow tickets and pushed them into my hand ." opera Comique," he_said, " Thursday; Friday, the surrey; Saturday, the frivolity . that's all, i_think ."

" but--" I began .

" glad you're free," he_said, snatching some proofs off the desk and beginning to read .

"I don't quite understand," I_said .

"_Eigh ? " he_said, at_the top of_his voice, as_though he thought I had gone and was startled at my remark .

" do_you_want me to criticise these plays ? "

" do something with 'em .. . did you_think it_was a treat ? "

" but I_can't ."

" did you call me a fool ? "

" well, I've never been to atheatre in my life ."

" virgin soil ."

" but I don't know anything about_it, you_know ."

" that's just it . new view . no habits . no clichs in stock . ours is a live paper, not a bag of tricks . none of your clockwork professional journalism in_this office . and I_can rely on_your integrity----"

" but I've conscientious scruples----"

he caught me up suddenly and put me outside his door ." go and talk to Wembly about_that," he_said ." he'll explain ."

as I stood perplexed, he opened the door again, said, "I forgot this," thrust a fourth ticket into my hand ( it_was for_that night-- in twenty minutes' time) and slammed the door upon me . his expression was quite calm, but I caught his eye .

I hate arguments .I decided that i_would take his hint and become ( to my own destruction) a dramatic critic .I walked slowly down the passage to Wembly . that Barnaby has a remarkable persuasive way . he has_made few suggestions during our very pleasant intercourse of four years that he has_not ultimately won me round to adopting . it may_be, of_course, that I_am of ayielding disposition; certainly I_am too apt to_take my colour from my circumstances . it_is, indeed, to my unfortunate susceptibility to vivid impressions that all my misfortunes are due . I_have already alluded to_the slight stammer I had acquired from aschoolfellow in my youth . however, this_is a digression .. .I went home in a cab to dress .

i_will_not trouble the reader with my thoughts about_the first- night audience, strange assembly as_it_is,-- those I reserve for_my Memoirs,-- nor the humiliating story of how I got lost during the entr'acte in alot of red plush passages, and saw the third act from_the gallery . the only point upon_which i_wish to lay stress was_the remarkable effect of_the acting upon me . you_must remember I had lived a quiet and retired life, and had never been to_the theatre before, and_that I_am extremely sensitive to vivid impressions . at_the risk of repetition I_must insist upon these points .

the first effect was a profound amazement, not untinctured by alarm . the phenomenal unnaturalness of acting is a thing discounted in_the minds of most people by early visits to_the theatre . they get used to_the fantastic gestures, the flamboyant emotions, the weird mouthings, melodious snortings, agonising yelps, lip- gnawings, glaring horrors, and other emotional symbolism of_the stage . it becomes at last amere deaf- and- dumb language to_them, which they read intelligently pari passu with_the hearing of_the dialogue . but all this_was new to_me . the thing was called a modern comedy, the people were supposed to_be English and were dressed like fashionable Americans of_the current epoch, and I fell into_the natural error of supposing that_the actors were trying to represent human beings .I looked round on my first- night audience with a kind of wonder, discovered-- as all new dramatic Critics do-- that_it rested with me to reform the drama, and, after a supper choked with emotion, went off to_the office to write a column, piebald with " new paragraphs" ( as all my stuff is-- it fills out so) and purple with indignation .Barnaby was delighted .

but I_could_not sleep that night .I dreamt of actors--actors glaring, actors smiting their chests, actors flinging out a handful of extended fingers, actors smiling bitterly, laughing despairingly, falling hopelessly, dying idiotically .I got up at eleven with a slight headache, read my notice in_the fiery Cross_, breakfasted, and went back to my room to shave, ( it's my habit to_do_so .) then an odd thing happened . I_could_not find my razor . suddenly it occurred to_me that I had_not unpacked it the day before .

"Ah ! " said I, in front of_the looking- glass . then "Hullo ! "

quite involuntarily, when I had thought of_my portmanteau, I had flung up the left arm (fingers fully extended) and clutched at my diaphragm with my right hand . I_am an acutely self- conscious man at all times . the gesture struck me as absolutely novel for_me .I repeated it, for_my own satisfaction ." odd ! " then ( rather puzzled) I turned to my portmanteau .

after shaving, my mind reverted to_the acting I had seen, and I entertained myself before_the cheval glass with some imitations of Jafferay's more exaggerated gestures ." really, one might think it a disease," I_said--" stage-Walkitis ! " ( there's many a truth spoken in jest .) then, if I remember rightly, I went off to_see Wembly, and afterwards lunched at_the British museum with Delia . we actually spoke about our prospects, in_the light of_my new appointment .

but that appointment was_the beginning of_my downfall . from_that day I necessarily became a persistent theatre-goer, and almost insensibly I began to_change . the next thing I noticed after_the gesture about_the razor was to catch myself bowing ineffably when I met Delia, and stooping in an old- fashioned, courtly way over her hand . directly I caught myself, I straightened myself up and became very uncomfortable .I remember she looked at me curiously . then, in_the office, I_found myself doing " nervous business," fingers on teeth, when Barnaby asked me a question I_could_not very_well answer . then, in some trifling difference with Delia, I clasped my hand to my brow . and I pranced through my social transactions at times singularly like an actor ! I tried not to-- no one could_be more keenly alive to_the arrant absurdity of_the histrionic bearing . and I_did !

it began to dawn on me what it all meant . the acting, I_saw, was too_much for_my delicately- strung nervous system . I_have always, I_know, been too amenable to_the suggestions of_my circumstances . night after night of concentrated attention to_the conventional attitudes and intonation of_the English stage was gradually affecting my speech and carriage . i_was giving way to_the infection of sympathetic imitation . night after night my plastic nervous system took the print of some new amazing gesture, some new emotional exaggeration-- and retained it .a kind of theatrical veneer threatened to plate over and obliterate my private individuality altogether . I_saw myself in a kind of vision .Sitting by_myself one night, my new self seemed to_me to glide, posing and gesticulating, across the room . he clutched his throat, he opened his fingers, he opened his legs in walking like a high- class marionette . he went from attitude to attitude . he_might_have_been clockwork . directly after_this I_made an ineffectual attempt to resign my theatrical work . but Barnaby persisted in talking about_the Polywhiddle divorce all the time i_was with_him, and I_could get no opportunity of saying what I wished .

and then Delia's manner began to_change towards me . the ease of_our intercourse vanished . I_felt she was learning to dislike me .I grinned, and capered, and scowled, and posed at her in a thousand ways, and knew-- with what a voiceless agony ! -- that I_did it all the time .I tried to resign again, and Barnaby talked about "X" and "Z" and "Y" in_the new review, and gave_me a strong cigar to smoke, and so routed me . and then I walked up the Assyrian gallery in_the manner of Irving to meet Delia, and so precipitated the crisis .

"Ah ! --_Dear ! " I_said, with more sprightliness and emotion in my voice than had ever been in all my life before I became ( to my own undoing) a dramatic critic .

she held out her hand rather coldly, scrutinising my face as she did so .I prepared, with a new- won grace, to walk by her side ." Egbert," she said, standing still, and thought . then she looked at me .

I_said nothing . I_felt what_was coming .I tried to_be the old Egbert Craddock Cummins of shambling gait and stammering sincerity, whom she loved, but I_felt even as I_did so_that i_was a new thing, a thing of surging emotions and mysterious fixity-- like no human being that ever lived, except upon_the stage ." Egbert," she said, " you_are_not yourself ."

"Ah ! " involuntarily I clutched my diaphragm and averted my head ( as is_the way with_them) .

" there ! " she said .

"_What do_you_mean ? " I_said, whispering in vocal italics-- you_know how they_do it--turning on her, perplexity on face, right hand down, left on brow . I_knew quite well what she meant . I_knew quite well the dramatic unreality of_my behaviour . but I struggled against it in vain ." what do_you_mean ? " I_said, and, in a kind of hoarse whisper, "I don't understand ! "

she really looked as_though she disliked me ." what do_you keep on posing for ? " she said ."I don't like it . you didn't use to ."

"Didn't use to ! " I_said slowly, repeating this twice .I glared up and down the gallery with short, sharp glances ." we_are alone," I_said swiftly ."_Listen ! " I poked my forefinger towards her, and glared at her ." I_am under a curse ."

I_saw her hand tighten upon her sunshade ." you_are under some bad influence or other," said Delia ." you_should give it up .I never knew anyone change as_you_have done ."

" Delia ! " I_said, lapsing into_the pathetic ." pity me, Augh ! Delia ! _Pit_--y me ! "

she eyed me critically ."_Why you keep playing the fool like this I don't know," she said ."Anyhow, I really cannot go about with a man who behaves as_you_do . you_made us both ridiculous on Wednesday . frankly, I dislike you, as_you_are now .I met you here to_tell you so-- as it's about_the only place where we can_be_sure of being alone together----"

" Delia ! " said I, with intensity, knuckles of clenched hands white ." you don't mean----"

" I_do," said Delia ."A woman's lot is sad enough at_the best of times . but with_you----"

I clapped my hand on my brow .

" so, good-bye," said Delia, without emotion .

"Oh, Delia ! " I_said ." not this ? "

" good-bye, Mr Cummins," she said .

by a violent effort I controlled myself and touched her hand .I tried to_say some word of explanation to her . she looked into my working face and winced ." I_must do_it," she said hopelessly . then she turned from me and began walking rapidly down the gallery .

Heavens ! how the human agony cried within me ! I loved Delia . but nothing found expression-- i_was already too deeply crusted with my acquired self .

" good-baye ! " I_said at last, watching her retreating figure . how I hated myself for doing it ! after she had vanished, I repeated in a dreamy way, " good-baye ! " looking hopelessly round me . then, with a kind of heart- broken cry, I shook my clenched fists in_the air, staggered to_the pedestal of a winged figure, buried my face in my arms, and made my shoulders heave . something within me said "Ass ! " as I_did so .(I had the greatest difficulty in persuading the museum policeman, who was attracted by my cry of agony, that i_was not intoxicated, but merely suffering from a transient indisposition .)

but even this great sorrow has_not availed to save me from my fate . I_see it; everyone sees it: I grow more " theatrical" every day . and no one could_be more painfully aware of_the pungent silliness of theatrical ways . the quiet, nervous, but pleasing E .C . Cummins vanishes . I_cannot save him . I_am driven like a dead leaf before_the winds of march . my tailor even enters into_the spirit of_my disorder . he has a peculiar sense of what_is fitting .I tried to_get a dull grey suit from_him this spring, and he foisted a brilliant blue upon me, and I_see he has put braid down the sides of_my new dress trousers . my hairdresser insists upon giving me a" wave ."

I_am beginning to associate with actors .I detest them, but it_is only in their company that I_can feel I_am not glaringly conspicuous . their talk infects me . I_notice agrowing tendency to dramatic brevity, to dashes and pauses in my style, to a punctuation of bows and attitudes .Barnaby has remarked it too .I offended Wembly by calling him " dear boy" yesterday .I dread the end, but I_cannot escape from_it .

the fact is, I_am being obliterated .Living agrey, retired life all my youth, I_came to_the theatre a delicate sketch of a man, a thing of tints and faint lines . their gorgeous colouring has effaced me altogether . people forget how_much mode of expression, method of movement, are a matter of contagion . I_have heard of stage- struck people before, and thought it a figure of speech .I spoke of it jestingly, as a disease . it_is no jest . it_is a disease . and I_have got it badly ! deep down within me I protest against the wrong done to my personality-- unavailingly . for three hours or more a week I_have to_go and concentrate my attention on some fresh play, and_the suggestions of_the drama strengthen their awful hold upon me . my manners grow so flamboyant, my passions so professional, that I_doubt, as I_said at_the outset, whether it_is really myself that behaves in_such_a_manner . I_feel merely the core to_this dramatic casing, that grows thicker and presses upon me-- me and mine . I_feel like king John's abbot in_his cope of lead .

I_doubt, indeed, whether I should_not abandon the struggle altogether-- leave this sad world of ordinary life for_which I_am so ill fitted, abandon the name of Cummins for some professional pseudonym, complete my self- effacement, and--a thing of tricks and tatters, of posing and pretence-- go upon_the stage . it seems my only resort--" to hold the mirror up_to nature ." for in_the ordinary life, i_will confess, no one now seems to regard me as both sane and sober . only upon_the stage, I_feel convinced, will people take me seriously . that_will_be the end of it .I _know that_will_be the end of it . and yet .. . i_will frankly confess .. . all that marks off your actor from your common man .. .I _detest . I_am still largely of_my aunt Charlotte's opinion, that play-acting is unworthy of a pure- minded man's attention, much more participation . even now i_would resign my dramatic criticism and try a rest . only I_can't get hold of Barnaby .Letters of resignation he never notices . he_says it_is against the etiquette of journalism to write to your editor . and when I go to_see him, he_gives me another big cigar and some strong whisky and soda, and then something always turns up to_prevent my explanation .