My Double; And How He Undid Me by Edward Everett Hale
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my double; and how he Undid me

by Edward Everett hale (1822-1909)

[ from_the Atlantic Monthly_, September, 1859 .Republished in_the volume, the man without a country, and other Tales (1868), by Edward Everett hale ( little, brown & Co .) .]

it_is_not often that I trouble the readers of_the Atlantic monthly .I should_not trouble them now, but for_the importunities of_my wife, who "feels to insist" that a duty to society is unfulfilled, till I_have told why I had to_have a double, and how he undid me . she_is sure, she says, that intelligent persons cannot understand that pressure upon public servants which alone drives any man into_the employment of a double . and while I_fear she thinks, at_the bottom of her heart, that my fortunes will never be re- made, she has a faint hope, that, as another Rasselas, I_may teach a lesson to future publics, from_which they_may profit, though we die .Owing to_the behavior of_my double, or, if_you please, to_that public pressure which compelled me to employ him, I_have plenty of leisure to write this communication .

I_am, or rather was, a minister, of_the Sandemanian connection . i_was settled in_the active, wide- awake town of Naguadavick, on one_of_the finest water-powers in Maine . we used to_call it a western town in_the heart of_the civilization of new England .acharming place it_was and_is .a spirited, brave young parish had I; and it seemed as_if we_might_have all " the joy of eventful living" to our hearts' content .

alas ! how little we_knew on_the day of_my ordination, and in those halcyon moments of_our first housekeeping ! to_be the confidential friend in a hundred families in_the town--cutting the social trifle, as my friend Haliburton says, " from_the top of_the whipped-syllabub to_the bottom of_the sponge- cake, which_is the foundation"-- to_keep abreast of_the thought of_the age in one's study, and to_do one's best on Sunday to interweave that thought with_the active life of an active town, and to inspirit both and make both infinite by glimpses of_the eternal glory, seemed such an exquisite forelook into one's life ! enough to_do, and all so real and so grand ! if_this vision could only have lasted .

the truth is, that_this vision was not in itself a delusion, nor, indeed, half bright enough . if one could only have_been left to_do his own business, the vision would_have accomplished itself and brought out new paraheliacal visions, each as bright as_the original . the misery was and_is, as we_found out, I and Polly, before long, that, besides the vision, and besides the usual human and finite failures in life ( such as breaking the old pitcher that came over in_the Mayflower, and putting into_the fire the alpenstock with_which her father climbed Mont Blanc)-- besides, these, I_say (imitating the style of Robinson Crusoe), there were pitchforked in on us a great rowen- heap of humbugs, handed down from some unknown seed- time, in_which we were expected, and I chiefly, to fulfil certain public functions before_the community, of_the character of_those fulfilled by_the third row of supernumeraries who stand behind the Sepoys in_the spectacle of_the cataract of_the Ganges . they were the duties, in a word, which one performs as member of one or another social class or subdivision, wholly distinct from what one does as a. by himself a. what invisible power put these functions on me, it would_be very hard to_tell . but such power there_was and_is . and I had_not_been at work a year before I_found i_was living two lives, one real and one merely functional-- for two sets of people, one my parish, whom I loved, and_the other a vague public, for whom I_did_not care two straws . all this_was in a vague notion, which everybody had and has, that_this second life would eventually bring out some great results, unknown at present, to somebody somewhere .

Crazed by_this duality of life, I first read Dr .Wigan on_the duality of_the Brain_, hoping that I_could train one side of_my head to_do these outside jobs, and_the other to_do my intimate and real duties . for Richard Greenough once told me that, in studying for_the statue of Franklin, he_found that_the left side of_the great man's face was philosophic and reflective, and_the right side funny and smiling . if_you_will go and look at_the bronze statue, you_will_find he has repeated this observation there for posterity . the eastern profile is_the portrait of_the statesman Franklin, the western of poor Richard . but Dr .Wigan does_not go into these niceties of_this subject, and I failed . it_was then that, on my wife's suggestion, I resolved to look out for a double .

i_was, at first, singularly successful . we happened to_be recreating at Stafford Springs that summer . we rode out one day, for one_of_the relaxations of_that watering- place, to_the great Monsonpon house . we were passing through one_of_the large halls, when my destiny was fulfilled ! I_saw my man !

he_was not shaven . he had on no spectacles . he_was dressed in a green baize roundabout and faded blue overalls, worn sadly at_the knee . but I_saw at once that he_was of_my height, five feet four and a half . he had black hair, worn off by his hat . so have and have_not I . he stooped in walking . so do I . his hands were large, and mine . and--choicest gift of fate in all-- he had, not "a strawberry- mark on_his left arm," but a cut from a juvenile brickbat over his right eye, slightly affecting the play of_that eyebrow . reader, so have I ! -- my fate was sealed !

a word with Mr Holley, one_of_the inspectors, settled the whole thing . it proved that_this Dennis Shea was a harmless, amiable fellow, of_the class known as shiftless, who had sealed his fate by marrying a dumb wife, who was at_that moment ironing in_the laundry . before I left Stafford, I had hired both for five years . we had applied to judge Pynchon, then the probate judge at Springfield, to_change the name of Dennis Shea to Frederic Ingham . we had explained to_the judge, what_was the precise truth, that an eccentric gentleman wished to adopt Dennis under this new name into his family . it never occurred to him that Dennis might_be more than fourteen years old . and thus, to shorten this preface, when we returned at night to my parsonage at Naguadavick, there entered Mrs Ingham, her new dumb laundress, myself, who am Mr Frederic Ingham, and my double, who was Mr Frederic Ingham by as good right as I .

Oh, the fun we had the next morning in shaving his beard to my pattern, cutting his hair to match mine, and teaching him how to wear and how to_take off gold- bowed spectacles ! really, they were electroplate, and_the glass was plain ( for_the poor fellow's eyes were excellent) . then in four successive afternoons I taught him four speeches .I had found these would_be quite enough for_the supernumerary- sepoy line of life, and it_was well for_me they were . for though he_was good-natured, he_was very shiftless, and it_was, as our national proverb says, " like pulling teeth" to teach him . but at_the end of_the next week he could_say, with quite my easy and frisky air:

1 ." very_well, thank_you . and you ? " this for an answer to casual salutations .

2 ." I_am very_glad you liked it ."

3 ." there_has_been so_much said, and, on_the whole, so_well said, that i_will_not occupy the time ."

4 ."I agree, in general, with my friend on_the other side of_the room ."

at first I had afeeling that i_was going to_be at great cost for clothing him . but it proved, of_course, at once, that, whenever he_was out, i_should_be at home . and I went, during the bright period of_his success, to so few of_those awful pageants which require a black dress- coat and what the ungodly call, after Mr Dickens, a white choker, that in_the happy retreat of_my own dressing-gowns and jackets my days went by as happily and cheaply as_those of another Thalaba . and Polly declares there_was never a year when_the tailoring cost so little . he lived (Dennis, not Thalaba) in_his wife's room over the kitchen . he had orders never to show himself at_that window . when he appeared in_the front of_the house, I retired to my sanctissimum and my dressing- gown . in short, the Dutchman and, his wife, in_the old weather- box, had_not less to_do with, each_other than he and I . he_made the furnace- fire and split the wood before daylight; then he went to sleep again, and slept late; then came for orders, with a red silk bandanna tied round his head, with_his overalls on, and_his dress- coat and spectacles off . if_we happened to_be interrupted, no one guessed that he_was Frederic Ingham as_well as I; and, in_the neighborhood, there grew up an impression that_the minister's Irishman worked day-times in_the factory village at new Coventry . after I had given him his orders, I never saw him till the next_day .

I launched him by sending him to ameeting of_the enlightenment board . the enlightenment board consists of seventy-four members, of whom sixty-seven are necessary to_form a quorum . one becomes a member under the regulations laid down in old judge Dudley's will .I became one by being ordained pastor of a church in Naguadavick . you_see you_cannot help yourself, if_you_would . at_this particular time we had had four successive meetings, averaging four hours each-- wholly occupied in whipping in a quorum . at_the first only eleven men were present; at_the next, by force of three circulars, twenty-seven; at_the third, thanks to two days' canvassing by Auchmuty and myself, begging men to_come, we had sixty . half the others were in Europe . but without a quorum we_could do nothing . all the rest of us waited grimly for_our four hours, and adjourned without any action . at_the fourth meeting we had flagged, and only got fifty-nine together . but on_the first appearance of_my double-- whom I_sent on_this fatal Monday to_the fifth meeting-- he was_the sixty-seventh man who entered the room . he_was greeted with a storm of applause ! the poor fellow had missed his way-- read the street signs ill through his spectacles ( very ill, in_fact, without them)-- and had_not dared to inquire . he entered the room--finding the president and secretary holding to_their chairs two judges of_the supreme court, who were also members ex officio_, and were begging leave to_go away . on_his entrance all was changed ._Presto_, the by-laws were amended, and_the western property was given away . nobody stopped to converse with_him . he voted, as I had charged him to_do, in every instance, with_the minority .I won new laurels as a man of sense, though a little unpunctual-- and Dennis, alias_ Ingham, returned to_the parsonage, astonished to_see with how little wisdom the world is governed . he cut a few of_my parishioners in_the street; but he had his glasses off, and I_am known to_be nearsighted . eventually he recognized them more readily than I .

I " set him again" at_the exhibition of_the new Coventry academy; and here he undertook a"speaking part"-- as, in my boyish, worldly days, I remember the bills used to_say of Mlle .Celeste . we_are all trustees of_the new Coventry academy; and there has lately been "a good_deal of feeling" because the Sandemanian trustees did_not regularly attend the exhibitions . it_has_been intimated, indeed, that_the Sandemanians are leaning towards free- will, and_that we_have, therefore, neglected these semi- annual exhibitions, while there_is no_doubt that Auchmuty last year went to commencement at Waterville . now the head master at new Coventry is a real good fellow, who knows a Sanskrit root when he sees it, and often cracks etymologies with me-- so_that, in strictness, I ought to_go to_their exhibitions . but think, reader, of sitting through three long July days in_that academy chapel, following the program from

Tuesday morning . English composition . sunshine . miss Jones,

round to

trio on three Pianos . duel from opera of midshipman easy .Marryatt .

coming in at nine, Thursday evening ! think of_this, reader, for men who_know the world is trying to_go backward, and who_would give their lives if they_could help it on ! well ! the double had succeeded so_well at_the board, that I_sent him to_the academy .( shade of Plato, pardon ! ) he arrived early on Tuesday, when, indeed, few but mothers and clergymen are generally expected, and returned in_the evening to_us, covered with honors . he had dined at_the right hand of_the chairman, and he spoke in high terms of_the repast . the chairman had expressed his interest in_the French conversation ." I_am very_glad you liked it," said Dennis; and_the poor chairman, abashed, supposed the accent had_been wrong . at_the end of_the day, the gentlemen present had_been called upon for speeches-- the Rev . Frederic Ingham first, as it happened; upon_which Dennis had risen, and had said, " there_has_been so_much said, and, on_the whole, so_well said, that i_will_not occupy the time ." the girls were delighted, because Dr .Dabney, the year before, had given them at_this occasion ascolding on impropriety of behavior at lyceum lectures . they all declared Mr Ingham was a love-- and so handsome ! (Dennis is good- looking .) three of_them, with arms behind the others' waists, followed him up_to_the wagon he rode home in; and a little girl with a blue sash had_been sent to_give him arosebud . after_this debut in speaking, he went to_the exhibition for two days more, to_the mutual satisfaction of all concerned . indeed, Polly reported that he had pronounced the trustees' dinners of a higher grade than those of_the parsonage . when_the next term began, I_found six of_the academy girls had obtained permission to_come across the river and attend our church . but this

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