My Double; And How He Undid Me by Edward Everett Hale
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the Fourteenth's double . there seems little doubt, in_our own history, that_it_was the real general pierce who shed tears when_the delegate from Lawrence explained to him the sufferings of_the people there-- and only general pierce's double who had given the orders for_the assault on_that town, which_was invaded the next_day . my charming friend, George Withers, has, I_am almost sure, a double, who preaches his afternoon sermons for him . this_is_the reason that_the theology often varies so from_that of_the forenoon . but that double is almost as charming as_the original . some_of_the most well- defined men, who stand out most prominently on_the background of history, are in_this_way stereoscopic men; who owe their distinct relief to_the slight differences between_the doubles . all this I_know . my present suggestion is simply the great extension of_the system, so_that all public machine- work may_be_done by_it .

but I_see I loiter on my story, which_is rushing to_the plunge . let me stop an instant more, however, to recall, were it only to myself, that charming year while all was yet well . after_the double had become a matter of_course, for nearly twelve months before he undid me, what a year it_was ! full of active life, full of happy love, of_the hardest work, of_the sweetest sleep, and_the fulfilment of so_many_of_the fresh aspirations and dreams of boyhood ! Dennis went to every school- committee meeting, and sat through all those late wranglings which used to_keep me up till midnight and awake till morning . he attended all the lectures to_which foreign exiles sent me tickets begging me to_come for_the love of heaven and of Bohemia . he accepted and used all the tickets for charity concerts which were sent to_me . he appeared everywhere where it_was specially desirable that " our denomination," or " our party," or " our class," or " our family," or " our street," or " our town," or " our country," or " our state," should_be fully represented . and I fell back to_that charming life which in boyhood one dreams of, when he supposes he shall do his own duty and make his own sacrifices, without being tied up with those of other people . my rusty Sanskrit, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, German and English began to_take polish .Heavens ! how little I had done with_them while I attended to my public_ duties ! my calls on my parishioners became the friendly, frequent, homelike sociabilities they were meant to_be, instead of_the hard work of a man goaded to desperation by_the sight of_his lists of arrears . and preaching ! what a luxury preaching was when I had on Sunday the whole result of an individual, personal week, from_which to_speak to a people whom all that week I had_been meeting as hand- to- hand friend ! I never tired on Sunday, and was in condition to leave the sermon at home, if I chose, and preach it extempore, as all men should do always . indeed, I wonder, when i_think that a sensible people like ours-- really more attached to_their clergy than they were in_the lost days, when_the Mathers and Nortons were noblemen-- should choose to neutralize so_much of_their ministers' lives, and destroy so_much of_their early training, by_this undefined passion for seeing them in public . it springs from_our balancing of sects . if a spirited episcopalian takes an interest in_the almshouse, and_is put on_the poor board, every_other denomination must_have a minister there, lest the poorhouse be changed into St .Paul's cathedral . if aSandemanian is chosen president of_the young men's library, there_must_be a methodist vice- president and a Baptist secretary . and if a Universalist Sunday- school convention collects five hundred delegates, the next Congregationalist Sabbath- school conference must_be as large, " lest ' they'-- whoever they_may_be-- should think ' we'-- whoever we_ may_be-- are going down ."

Freed from_these necessities, that happy year, I began to_know my wife by sight . we saw each_other sometimes . in those long mornings, when Dennis was in_the study explaining to map-peddlers that I had eleven maps of Jerusalem already, and to school- book agents that i_would see them hanged before i_would_be bribed to introduce their textbooks into_the schools-- she and I were at work together, as in those old dreamy days-- and in_these of_our log- cabin again . but all this could_not last-- and at_length poor Dennis, my double, overtasked in turn, undid me .

it_was thus it happened . there_is an excellent fellow-- once a minister-- i_will call him Isaacs-- who deserves well of_the world till he dies, and after-- because he once, in a real exigency, did the right thing, in_the right way, at_the right time, as no other man could do_it . in_the_world's great football match, the ball by chance found him loitering on_the outside of_the field; he closed with it, "camped" it, charged, it home-- yes, right through_the other side-- not disturbed, not frightened by his own success-- and breathless found himself a great man-- as_the great delta rang applause . but he_did_not find himself a rich man; and_the football has never come in_his way again . from_that moment to_this moment he has_been of no use, that one can_see, at all . still, for_that great act we speak of Isaacs gratefully and remember him kindly; and he forges on, hoping to meet the football somewhere again . in_that vague hope, he had arranged a" movement" for a general organization of_the human family into Debating Clubs, county Societies, state Unions, etc ., etc ., with a view of inducing all children to_take hold of_the handles of_their knives and forks, instead of_the metal . children have bad habits in_that way . the movement, of_course, was absurd; but we all did our best to_forward, not it, but him . it came time for_the annual county-meeting on_this subject to_be held at Naguadavick .Isaacs came round, good fellow ! to arrange for_it-- got the townhall, got the governor to preside ( the saint ! -- he ought_to_have triplet doubles provided him by law), and then came to_get me to_speak ." no," I_said, " i_would_not speak, if ten Governors presided . I_do_not believe in_the enterprise . if I spoke, it should_be to_say children should take hold of_the prongs of_the forks and_the blades of_the knives . i_would subscribe ten dollars, but i_would_not speak a mill ." so poor Isaacs went his way, sadly, to coax Auchmuty to_speak, and Delafield .I went out . not long after, he_came back, and told Polly that_they had promised to_speak-- the governor would speak-- and he himself would close with_the quarterly report, and some interesting anecdotes regarding . miss Biffin's way of handling her knife and Mr Nellis's way of footing his fork ." now if Mr Ingham will only come and sit on_the platform, he need not say one word; but it_will show well in_the paper-- it_will show that_the Sandemanians take as_much interest in_the movement as_the Armenians or the Mesopotamians, and will_be a great favor to_me ." Polly, good soul ! was tempted, and she promised . she knew Mrs Isaacs was starving, and_the babies-- she knew Dennis was at home-- and she promised ! night came, and I returned .I heard her story . i_was sorry .I doubted . but Polly had promised to beg me, and I dared all ! i_told Dennis to hold his peace, under all circumstances, and sent him down .

it_was not half an hour more before he returned, wild with excitement-- in a perfect Irish fury-- which it_was long before I understood . but I_knew at once that he had undone me !

what happened was_this: the audience got together, attracted by governor Gorges's name . there were a thousand people . poor Gorges was late from Augusta . they became impatient . he_came in direct from_the train at last, really ignorant of_the object of_the meeting . he opened it in_the fewest possible words, and said other gentlemen were present who_would entertain them better than he . the audience were disappointed, but waited . the governor, prompted by Isaacs, said, " the honorable Mr Delafield will address you ." Delafield had forgotten the knives and forks, and was playing the Ruy Lopez opening at_the chess club ." the Rev .Mr Auchmuty will address you ." Auchmuty had promised to_speak late, and was at_the school committee ." I_see Dr .Stearns in_the hall; perhaps he_will say a word ." Dr .Stearns said he had come to listen and not to_speak . the governor and Isaacs whispered . the governor looked at Dennis, who was resplendent on_the platform; but Isaacs, to_give him his due, shook his head . but the look was enough .a miserable lad, ill- bred, who had once been in Boston, thought it would sound well to_call for_me, and peeped out, "Ingham ! " a few more wretches cried, "Ingham ! Ingham ! " still Isaacs was firm; but the governor, anxious, indeed, to_prevent a row, knew i_would say something, and said, " our friend Mr Ingham is always prepared-- and though we had_not relied upon him, he_will say a word, perhaps ." applause followed, which turned Dennis's head . he rose, flattered, and tried no .3: " there_has_been so_much said, and, on_the whole, so_well said, that i_will_not longer occupy the time ! " and sat down, looking for_his hat; for things seemed squally . but the people cried, " go on ! go on ! " and some applauded .Dennis, still confused, but flattered by_the applause, to_which neither he nor I are used, rose again, and this_time tried no .2: " I_am very_glad you liked it ! " in a sonorous, clear delivery . my best friends stared . all the people who did_not know me personally yelled with delight at_the aspect of_the evening; the governor was beside himself, and poor Isaacs thought he_was undone ! alas, it_was I ! a boy in_the gallery cried in a loud tone, " it's all an infernal humbug," just as Dennis, waving his hand, commanded silence, and tried no .4: "I agree, in general, with my friend the other side of_the room ." the poor governor doubted his senses, and crossed to stop him-- not in_time, however . the same gallery- boy shouted, " how's your mother ? "-- and Dennis, now completely lost, tried, as his last shot, no .1, vainly: " very_well, thank_you; and you ? "

i_think I_must_have been undone already . but Dennis, like another Lockhard chose " to_make sicker ." the audience rose in a whirl of amazement, rage, and sorrow . some other impertinence, aimed at Dennis, broke all restraint, and, in pure Irish, he delivered himself of an address to_the gallery, inviting any person who wished to fight to_come down and do_so--stating, that_they were all dogs and cowards-- that he_would take any five of_them single- handed, "Shure, I_have said all his Riverence and_the Misthress bade me say," cried he, in Defiance; and, seizing the governor's cane from_his hand, brandished it, quarter- staff fashion, above his head . he_was, indeed, got from_the hall only with_the greatest difficulty by_the governor, the city marshal, who had_been called in, and_the superintendent of_my Sunday school .

the universal impression, of_course, was, that_the Rev . Frederic Ingham had lost all command of himself in some_of_those haunts of intoxication which for fifteen years I_have_been laboring to destroy . till this moment, indeed, that_is_the impression in Naguadavick . this number of_the Atlantic will relieve from_it a hundred friends of_mine who have_been sadly wounded by_that notion now for years-- but I_shall_not_be likely ever to show my head there again .

no ! my double has undone me .

we left town at seven the next morning . I_came to no .9, in_the third range, and settled on_the minister's Lot, in_the new towns in Maine, the first settled minister has a gift of a hundred acres of land . I_am the first settled minister in no .9 . my wife and little Paulina are my parish . we raise corn enough to live on in summer . we kill bear's meat enough to carbonize it in winter .I work on steadily on my Traces of Sandemanianism in_the sixth and Seventh Centuries_, which I_hope to_persuade Phillips, Sampson & Co . to_publish next_year . we_are very happy, but the world thinks we_are undone .

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