last Words of great men

by mark twain

--[ from_the buffalo express, September 11, 1889 .]

marshal Neil's last words were: "L'armee fran-caise ! " ( the French army .)-- exchange .

what a sad thing it_is to_see a man close a grand career with a plagiarism in_his mouth . napoleon's last words were: "Tete d'armee ." ( head of_the army .) neither of_those remarks amounts to anything as " last words," and reflect little credit upon_the utterers .

a distinguished man should_be as particular about his last words as he_is about his last breath . he_should write them out on a slip of paper and take_the judgment of_his friends on them . he_should never leave such a thing to_the last hour of_his life, and trust to an intellectual spirit at_the last moment to enable him to_say something smart with_his latest gasp and launch into eternity with grandeur . no--a man is apt to_be too_much fagged and exhausted, both in body and mind, at_such_a_time, to_be reliable; and maybe the very thing he_wants to_say, he_cannot think of to save him; and besides there_are his weeping friends bothering around; and worse than all as likely as not he_may_have to deliver his last gasp before he_is expecting to .a man cannot always expect to_think of anatty thing to_say under such circumstances, and so it_is pure egotistic ostentation to_put it off . there_is hardly a case on record where a man came to_his last moment unprepared and said a good thing hardly a case where a man trusted to_that last moment and did_not make a solemn botch of it and go out_of_the world feeling absurd .

now there_was Daniel Webster . nobody could tell him anything . he_was not afraid . he_could do something neat when_the time came . and how did it turn out ? why, his will had to_be fixed over; and then all the relations came; and first one_thing and then another interfered, till at last he only had a chance to_say, "I still live," and up he went .

of_course he didn't still live, because he died-- and so he might as_well have kept his last words to himself as_to have_gone and made such a failure of it as_that .a week before_that fifteen minutes of calm reflection would_have enabled that man to contrive some last words that_would_have been a credit to himself and a comfort to_his family for generations to_come .

and there_was John Quincy Adams .Relying on_his splendid abilities and_his coolness in emergencies, he trusted to a happy hit at_the last moment to carry him through, and what_was the result ? death smote him in_the house of Representatives, and he observed, casually, " this_is_the last of earth ." the last of earth ! why " the last of earth" when there_was so_much more left ? if he had said it was_the last rose of summer or the last run of shad, it would_have had as_much point in_it . what he meant to_say was, "Adam was_the first and Adams is_the last of earth," but he put it off a trifle too long, and so he had to_go with_that unmeaning observation on_his lips .

and there we_have napoleon's "Tete d'armee ." that don't mean anything . taken by itself, " head of_the army," is no more important than " head of_the police ." and yet that was a man who could_have said a good thing if he had barred out the doctor and studied over it a while . marshal Neil, with half a century at his disposal, could_not dash off anything better in_his last moments than a poor plagiarism of another man's words, which were_not worth plagiarizing in_the first place ." the French army ." perfectly irrelevant-- perfectly flat utterly pointless . but if he had closed one eye significantly, and said, " the subscriber has_made it lively for_the French army," and then thrown a little of_the comic into his last gasp, it would_have_been a thing to remember with satisfaction all the rest of_his life . I_do wish our great men would quit saying these flat things just at_the moment they die . let_us_have their next- to- the- last words for a while, and_see if_we_cannot patch up from_them something that_will_be more satisfactory .

the public does_not wish to_be outraged in_this_way all the time .

but when we come to_call to mind the last words of parties who took the trouble to make_the proper preparation for_the occasion, we immediately notice a happy difference in_the result .

there_was chesterfield . lord chesterfield had laboured all his life to build up the most shining reputation for affability and elegance of speech and manners the world has ever seen . and could you suppose he failed to appreciate the efficiency of characteristic " last words," in_the matter of seizing the successfully driven nail of_such a reputation and clinching on_the other side for ever ? not he . he prepared himself . he kept his eye on_the clock and_his finger on_his pulse . he awaited his chance . and at last, when he_knew his time was come, he pretended to_think a new visitor had entered, and so, with_the rattle in_his throat emphasised for dramatic effect, he_said to_the servant, " shin around, John, and get the gentleman a chair ." and so he died, amid thunders of applause .

next we_have Benjamin Franklin . Franklin, the author of poor Richard's quaint sayings; Franklin the immortal axiom- builder, who used to sit up at nights reducing the rankest old threadbare platitudes to crisp and snappy maxims that had a nice, varnished, original look in their regimentals; who said, " virtue is its own reward;" who said, " procrastination is_the thief of_time;" who said, " time and tide wait for no man" and " necessity is_the mother of invention;" good old Franklin, the Josh billings of_the eighteenth century-- though, sooth to_say, the latter transcends him in proverbial originality as_much as he falls short of him in correctness of orthography . what sort of tactics did Franklin pursue ? he pondered over his last words for as_much as two weeks, and then when_the time came, he_said, " none but the brave deserve the fair," and died happy . he_could_not have said asweeter thing if he had lived till he_was an idiot .

Byron made a poor business of it, and could_not think of anything to_say, at_the last moment but, " Augusta-- sister-- lady Byron-- tell Harriet Beecher Stowe"-- etc ., etc .,-- but Shakespeare was ready and said, " England expects every man to_do his duty ! " and went off with splendid eclat .

and there_are other instances of sagacious preparation for a felicitous closing remark . for instance:

Joan of ARC said, " tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching ."

Alexander the great said, " another of_those Santa Cruz punches, if_you please ."

the empress Josephine said, " not for Jo-" and could get no further .

Cleopatra said, " the old guard dies, but never surrenders ."

sir Walter Raleigh said, " executioner, can I take your whetstone a moment, please ? " though what for is_not clear .

John smith said, " alas, I_am the last of_my race ."

queen Elizabeth said, "Oh, i_would give my kingdom for_one moment more -- I_have forgotten my last words ."

and red jacket, the noblest Indian brave that ever wielded a tomahawk in defence of a friendless and persecuted race, expired with_these touching words upon his lips, "Wawkawampanoosucwinnebayowallazvsagamoresa- skatchewan ." there_was not a dry eye in_the wigwam .

let not this lesson be lost upon our public men . let them take a healthy moment for preparation, and contrive some last words that shall be neat and to_the point . let Louis napoleon say,

" I_am content to_follow my uncle-- still, I_do_not wish to improve upon his last word . put me down for 'Tete d'armee .'"

and garret Davis, " let me recite the unabridged dictionary ."

and H .G ., " I_desire, now, to_say a few words on political economy ."

and Mr Bergh, " only take part of me at_a_time, if_the load will_be fatiguing to_the hearse horses ."

and Andrew Johnson, " I_have_been an alderman, member of congress, governor, senator, Pres-- adieu, you_know the rest ."

and Seward ., " alas ! -ka ."

and grant, "O ."

all of which_is respectfully submitted, with_the most honorable intentions .M .T .

P .S .-- I_am obliged to leave out the illustrations . the artist finds it impossible to_make a picture of people's last words .