the celebrated Jumping frog of Calaveras county

by mark twain (1835-1910)

[ from_the Saturday Press_, Nov .18, 1865 .Republished in_the celebrated Jumping frog of Calaveras county, and other Sketches_ (1867), by mark twain, all of whose works are published by harper & Brothers .]

in compliance with_the request of a friend of_mine, who wrote me from_the east, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and inquired after my friend's friend, Leonidas W .Smiley, as requested to_do, and I hereunto append the result . I_have alurking suspicion that _Leonidas W .Smiley is a myth; and_that my friend never knew such a personage; and_that he only conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him, it would remind him of_his infamous Jim Smiley_, and he_would go to work and bore me to death with some exasperating reminiscence of him as long and as tedious as it should_be useless to_me . if_that was_the design, it succeeded .

I_found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by_the barroom stove of_the dilapidated tavern in_the decayed mining camp of angel's, and I noticed that he_was fat and bald- headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance . he roused up, and gave_me good- day . i_told him a friend had commissioned me to_make some inquiries about acherished companion of_his boyhood named Leonidas W .Smiley--_Rev .Leonidas W .Smiley, a young minister of_the gospel, who he had heard was at one_time a resident of angel's camp .I added that if Mr Wheeler could tell me anything about_this Rev .Leonidas W .Smiley, i_would feel under many obligations to him .

Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with_his chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph . he never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from_the gentle-flowing key to_which he tuned his initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all through_the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that, so_far from_his imagining that there_was anything ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse .I let him go on in_his own way, and never interrupted him once .

"Rev .Leonidas W .H'm, reverend Le-- well, there_was afeller here once by_the name of Jim Smiley, in_the winter of '49-- or may_be it was_the spring of '50--I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes me think it_was one or the other is because I remember the big flume warn't finished when he first came to_the camp; but any_way, he was_the curiousest man about always betting on anything that turned up you ever see, if he_could get anybody to bet on_the other side; and if he couldn't he'd change sides . any_way that suited the other man would suit him_-- any_way just so's he got a bet, he_was satisfied . but still he_was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner . he_was always ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solit'ry thing mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on_it, and take any side you please, as i_was just telling you . if there_was a horse- race, you'd find him flush or you'd find him busted at_the end of it; if there_was a dog- fight, he'd bet on_it; if there_was acat- fight, he'd bet on_it; if there_was a chicken- fight, he'd bet on_it; why, if there_was two birds setting on a fence, he_would bet you which one would fly first; or if there_was a camp-meeting, he_would_be there reg'lar to bet on parson walker, which he judged to_be the best exhorter about here, and he_was, too, and a good man . if he even see a straddle- bug start to_go anywheres, he_would bet you how long it would take him to_get to-- to wherever he_was going to, and if_you took him up, he_would foller that straddle- bug to Mexico but what he_would find out where he_was bound for and how long he_was on_the road .Lots of_the boys here has seen that Smiley and can tell you about him . why, it never made no difference to him_-- he'd bet on any thing-- the dangest feller . parson walker's wife laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if_they warn't going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked him how she was, and he_said she was considerable better-- thank the lord for_his inf'nit' mercy-- and coming on so smart that with_the blessing of Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, ' well, I'll risk two- and-a- half she don't anyway .'"

Thish-yer Smiley had a mare-- the boys called her the fifteen- minute nag, but that was only in fun, you_know, because, of_course, she was faster than that-- and he used to win money on_that horse, for all she was so slow and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something of_that kind . they used to_give her two_or_three hundred yards start, and then pass her under way; but always at_the fag- end of_the race she'd get excited and desperate- like, and come cavorting and straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in_the air, and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose-- and always fetch up at_the stand just about a neck ahead, as near as you_could cipher it down .

and he had a little small bull- pup, that to look at him you'd think he warn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a chance to steal something . but as_soon_as money was up on him he_was a different dog; his under- jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'- castle of a steamboat, and_his teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces . and a dog might tackle him and bully- rag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder two_or_three times, and Andrew Jackson-- which_was the name of_the pup--Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he_was satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else-- and_the bets being doubled and doubled on_the other side all the time, till the money was all up; and then all of a sudden he_would grab that other dog jest by_the j'int of_his hind leg and freeze to_it-- not chaw, you understand, but only just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if_it_was a year .Smiley always come out winner on_that pup, till he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a circular saw, and when_the thing had gone along far enough, and_the money was all up, and he come to_make a snatch for_his pet Holt, he see in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in_the door, so to_speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged- like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked out bad . he_gave Smiley a look, as_much as to_say his heart was broke, and it_was his fault, for putting up a dog that hadn't no hind legs for him to_take Holt of, which_was his main dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and died . it_was a good pup, was_that Andrew Jackson, and would_have made a name for hisself if he'd lived, for_the stuff was in him and he had genius-- I_know it, because he hadn't no opportunities to_speak of, and it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he_could under them circumstances if he hadn't no talent . it always makes me feel sorry when i_think of_that last fight of_his'n, and_the way it turned out .

well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and tom-cats and all of_them kind of things, till you couldn't rest, and you couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you . he ketched a frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him; and so he never done nothing for three months but set in_his back yard and learn that frog to jump . and you bet you he did_ learn him, too . he'd give him a little punch behind, and_the next minute you'd see that frog whirling in_the air like a doughnut-- see him turn one summerset, or may_be a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat- footed and all right, like acat . he got him up so in_the matter of ketching flies, and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as fur as he could_see him .Smiley said all a frog wanted was education, and he_could do ' most anything-- and I believe him . why, I've seen him set Dan'l Webster down here on_this floor--Dan'l Webster was_the name of_the frog-- and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies ! " and quicker'n you_could wink he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and flop down on_the floor ag' in as solid as agob of mud, and fall to scratching the side of_his head with_his hind foot as indifferent as_if he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do . you never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he_was, for all he_was so gifted . and when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level, he_could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of_his breed you ever see .Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand; and when it come to_that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red .Smiley was monstrous proud of_his frog, and well he_might_be, for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres, all said he laid over any frog that ever they see .

well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to fetch him downtown sometimes and lay for a bet . one day afeller--a stranger in_the camp, he_was-- come acrost him with_his box, and says:

" what might_be that you've got in_the box ? "

and Smiley says, sorter indifferent- like, " it might_be a parrot, or it might_be a canary, maybe, but it ain't-- it's only just a frog ."

and_the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round this_way and_that, and says, "H'm-- so 'tis . well, what's he good for ? "

" well," Smiley says, easy and careless, " he's good enough for one_ thing, i_should judge-- he_can outjump any frog in Calaveras county ."

the feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look, and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, " well," he_says, "I don't see no p'ints about_that frog that's any better'n any_other frog ."

" maybe you don't," Smiley says ." maybe you understand frogs and maybe you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you ain't only aamature, as it were .Anyways, I've got my opinion and I'll risk forty dollars that he_can outjump any frog in Calaveras county ."

and_the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, " well, I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog, I'd bet you ."

and then Smiley says, " that's all right-- that's all right-- if_you'll hold my box a minute, I'll go and get you a frog ." and so the feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down to wait .

so he set there a good while thinking and thinking to_his- self, and then he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and filled him full of quail shot-- filled ! him pretty near up to_his chin-- and set him on_the floor .Smiley he went to_the swamp and slopped around in_the mud for_a_long_time, and finally he ketched a frog, and fetched him in, and give him to_this feller, and says:

" now, if_you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, with_his forepaws just even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word ." then he_says, " one-- two-- three--_git ! " and him and_the feller touched up the frogs from behind, and_the new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give a heave, and hysted up his shoulders-- so-- like aFrenchman, but it warn't no use-- he couldn't budge; he_was planted as solid as a church, and he couldn't no more stir than if he_was anchored out .Smiley was a good_deal surprised, and he_was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea what the matter was, of_course .

the feller took the money and started away; and when he_was going out at_the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder-- so-- at Dan'l, and says again, very deliberate, " well," he_says, "_I don't see no p'ints about_that frog that's any better'n any_other frog ."

Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long_time, and at last says, " I_do wonder what in_the nation that frog throwed off for--I wonder if there ain't something the matter with_him-- he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow ." and he ketched Dan'l up by_the nap of_the neck, and hefted him, and says, " why blame my cats if he don't weigh five pounds ! " and turned him upside down and he belched out a double handful of shot . and then he see how it_was, and he was_the maddest man-- he set the frog down and took out after_that feller, but he never ketched him . and----

( here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from_the front yard, and got up to_see what_was wanted .) and turning to_me as he moved away, he_said: " just set where you_are, stranger, and rest easy--I ain't going to_be gone a second ."

but, by your leave, I_did_not think that a continuation of_the history of_the enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley would_be likely to afford me much information concerning the Rev .Leonidas W .Smiley, and so I started away .

at_the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he buttonholed me and recommenced:

" well, thish-yer Smiley had ayaller, one- eyed cow that didn't have no tail, only jest a short stump like abannanner, and----"

however, lacking both time and inclination, I_did_not wait to hear about_the afflicted cow, but took my leave .