Four Beasts in one: the Homo-Cameleopard

by Edgar Allan Poe

Chacun ases vertus .--_Crebillon's Xerxes .

ANTIOCHUS EPIPHANES is very generally looked upon as_the Gog of_the prophet Ezekiel . this honor is, however, more properly attributable to Cambyses, the son of Cyrus . and, indeed, the character of_the Syrian monarch does by no means stand in need of any adventitious embellishment . his accession to_the throne, or rather his usurpation of_the sovereignty, a hundred and seventy- one years before_the coming of Christ; his attempt to plunder the temple of Diana at Ephesus; his implacable hostility to_the Jews; his pollution of_the holy of Holies; and_his miserable death at Taba, after a tumultuous reign of eleven years, are circumstances of a prominent kind, and therefore more generally noticed by_the historians of_his time than_the impious, dastardly, cruel, silly, and whimsical achievements which make up the sum total of_his private life and reputation .

let_us suppose, gentle reader, that_it_is now the year of_the world three thousand eight hundred and thirty, and_let_us, for_a_few_minutes, imagine ourselves at_that most grotesque habitation of man, the remarkable city of Antioch . to_be_sure there were, in Syria and other countries, sixteen cities of_that appellation, besides the one to_which I more particularly allude . but ours is_that which went by_the name of Antiochia Epidaphne, from its vicinity to_the little village of Daphne, where stood a temple to_that divinity . it_was built ( although about this_matter there_is some dispute) by Seleucus Nicanor, the first king of_the country after Alexander the great, in memory of_his father Antiochus, and became immediately the residence of_the Syrian monarchy . in_the flourishing times of_the Roman empire, it was_the ordinary station of_the prefect of_the eastern provinces; and many_of_the emperors of_the queen city ( among whom may_be mentioned, especially, Verus and Valens) spent here the greater part of_their time . but I perceive we_have arrived at_the city itself . let_us ascend this battlement, and throw our eyes upon_the town and neighboring country .

" what broad and rapid river is_that which forces its way, with innumerable falls, through_the mountainous wilderness, and finally through_the wilderness of buildings ? "

that_is_the Orontes, and it_is_the only water in sight, with_the exception of_the Mediterranean, which stretches, like a broad mirror, about twelve miles off to_the southward . every_one has seen the Mediterranean; but let me tell you, there_are few who_have_had a peep at Antioch . by few, I mean, few who, like you and me, have_had, at_the same time, the advantages of a modern education . therefore cease to regard that sea, and give your whole attention to_the mass of houses that lie beneath us . you_will remember that_it_is now the year of_the world three thousand eight hundred and thirty . were it later -- for example, were it the year of_our lord eighteen hundred and forty-five, we_should_be deprived of_this extraordinary spectacle . in_the nineteenth century Antioch is -- that_is_to_say, Antioch will_be -- in a lamentable state of decay . it_will_have been, by_that_time, totally destroyed, at three different periods, by three successive earthquakes . indeed, to_say the truth, what little of_its former self may then remain, will_be found in so desolate and ruinous a state that_the patriarch shall_have removed his residence to damascus . this_is well . I_see you profit by my advice, and_are making the most of your time in inspecting the premises -- in

-satisfying your eyes

with_the memorials and_the things of fame

that most renown this city .-

I beg pardon; I had forgotten that Shakespeare will not flourish for seventeen hundred and fifty years to_come . but does_not the appearance of Epidaphne justify me in calling it grotesque ?

" it_is well fortified; and in_this respect is as_much indebted to nature as_to art ."

very true .

" there_are a prodigious number of stately palaces ."

there_are .

" and_the numerous temples, sumptuous and magnificent, may bear comparison with_the most lauded of antiquity ."

all this I_must acknowledge . still there_is an infinity of mud huts, and abominable hovels . we_cannot help perceiving abundance of filth in every kennel, and, were it not for_the over-powering fumes of idolatrous incense, I_have no_doubt we_should find a most intolerable stench . did you ever behold streets so insufferably narrow, or houses so miraculously tall ? what gloom their shadows cast upon_the ground ! it_is well the swinging lamps in those endless colonnades are kept burning throughout_the day; we_should otherwise have the darkness of Egypt in_the time of her desolation .

" it_is certainly a strange place ! what_is the meaning of yonder singular building ? see ! it towers above all others, and lies to_the eastward of what I take to_be the royal palace ."

that_is_the new temple of_the sun, who_is adored in Syria under the title of Elah Gabalah . hereafter a very notorious Roman emperor will institute this worship in Rome, and thence derive a cognomen, Heliogabalus .I dare say you_would like to_take a peep at_the divinity of_the temple . you_need not look up at_the heavens; his Sunship is_not there -- at_least not the Sunship adored by_the Syrians . that deity will_be found in_the interior of yonder building . he_is worshipped under the figure of a large stone pillar terminating at_the summit in a cone or pyramid, whereby is denoted fire .

" hark -- behold ! -- who_can those ridiculous beings be, half naked, with their faces painted, shouting and gesticulating to_the rabble ? "

some few are mountebanks .Others more particularly belong to_the race of philosophers . the greatest portion, however -- those especially who belabor the populace with clubs -- are the principal courtiers of_the palace, executing as in duty bound, some laudable comicality of_the king's .

" but what have we here ? Heavens ! the town is swarming with wild beasts ! how terrible a spectacle ! -- how dangerous a peculiarity ! "

terrible, if_you please; but not in_the least degree dangerous . each animal if_you_will take_the pains to observe, is following, very quietly, in_the wake of_its master . some few, to_be_sure, are led with a rope about_the neck, but these are chiefly the lesser or timid species . the lion, the tiger, and_the leopard are entirely without restraint . they_have been trained without difficulty to_their present profession, and attend upon their respective owners in_the capacity of valets-de-chambre . it_is true, there_are occasions when nature asserts her violated dominions; -- but then the devouring of a man- at-arms, or the throttling of a consecrated bull, is a circumstance of too little moment to_be more than hinted at in Epidaphne .

" but what extraordinary tumult do I hear ? surely this_is a loud noise even for Antioch ! it argues some commotion of unusual interest ."

yes -- undoubtedly . the king has ordered some novel spectacle -- some gladiatorial exhibition at_the hippodrome -- or perhaps the massacre of_the Scythian prisoners -- or the conflagration of_his new palace -- or the tearing down of a handsome temple -- or, indeed, abonfire of a few Jews . the uproar increases .Shouts of laughter ascend the skies . the air becomes dissonant with wind instruments, and horrible with clamor of a million throats . let_us descend, for_the love of fun, and_see what_is going on ! this_way -- be careful ! here we_are in_the principal street, which_is called the street of Timarchus . the sea of people is coming this_way, and we_shall find a difficulty in stemming the tide . they_are pouring through_the alley of Heraclides, which leads directly from_the palace; -- therefore the king is most probably among_the rioters . yes; -- I hear the shouts of_the herald proclaiming his approach in_the pompous phraseology of_the east . we_shall_have a glimpse of_his person as he passes by_the temple of Ashimah . let_us ensconce ourselves in_the vestibule of_the sanctuary; he_will_be here anon . in_the meantime let_us survey this image . what_is it ? Oh ! it_is_the god Ashimah in proper person . you perceive, however, that he_is neither alamb, nor a goat, nor a satyr, neither has he much resemblance to_the pan of_the Arcadians . yet all these appearances have_been given -- I beg pardon -- will_be given -- by_the learned of future ages, to_the Ashimah of_the Syrians . put on_your spectacles, and tell me what it_is . what_is it ?

" bless me ! it_is an ape ! "

true -- a baboon; but by no means the less a deity . his name is a derivation of_the Greek Simia -- what great fools are antiquarians ! but see ! -- see ! -- yonder scampers a ragged little urchin . where is he going ? what_is he bawling about ? what does he say ? Oh ! he_says the king is coming in triumph; that he_is dressed in state; that he has just finished putting to death, with_his own hand, a thousand chained Israelitish prisoners ! for_this exploit the ragamuffin is lauding him to_the skies . hark ! here comes a troop of a similar description . they_have made a Latin hymn upon_the valor of_the king, and_are singing it as_they go:

Mille, mille, mille,

Mille, mille, mille,

Decollavimus, unus homo !

Mille, mille, mille, mille, decollavimus !

Mille, mille, mille,

Vivat qui mille mille occidit !

Tantum vini habet nemo

quantum sanguinis effudit ! {*1}

which_may_be thus paraphrased:

a thousand, a thousand, a thousand,

a thousand, a thousand, a thousand,

we, with one warrior, have slain !

a thousand, a thousand, a thousand, a thousand .

sing a thousand over again !

Soho ! -- let_us sing

long life to our king,

who knocked over a thousand so fine !

Soho ! -- let_us roar,

he has_given us more

red gallons of gore

than all Syria can furnish of wine !

" do_you hear that flourish of trumpets ? "

yes: the king is coming ! see ! the people are aghast with admiration, and lift up their eyes to_the heavens in reverence . he comes; -- he_is coming; -- there he_is !

" who ? -- where ? -- the king ? -- do_not behold him -- cannot_say that I perceive him ."

then you_must_be blind .

" very possible . still I_see nothing but a tumultuous mob of idiots and madmen, who_are busy in prostrating themselves before a gigantic cameleopard, and endeavoring to obtain a kiss of_the animal's hoofs . see ! the beast has very justly kicked one_of_the rabble over -- and another -- and another -- and another . indeed, I_cannot help admiring the animal for_the excellent use he_is making of_his feet ."

rabble, indeed ! -- why these are the noble and free citizens of Epidaphne ! Beasts, did you say ? -- take care that you_are_not overheard . do_you not perceive that_the animal has_the visage of a man ? why, my dear_Sir, that cameleopard is no other_than Antiochus Epiphanes, Antiochus the illustrious, king of Syria, and_the most potent of all the autocrats of_the east ! it_is true, that he_is entitled, at times, Antiochus Epimanes -- Antiochus the madman -- but that_is because all people have_not the capacity to appreciate his merits . it_is also certain that he_is at present ensconced in_the hide of a beast, and_is doing his best to play the part of acameleopard; but this_is done for_the better sustaining his dignity as king . besides, the monarch is of gigantic stature, and_the dress is therefore neither unbecoming nor over large . we_may, however, presume he_would_not have adopted it but for some occasion of especial state . such, you_will allow, is_the massacre of a thousand Jews . with how superior a dignity the monarch perambulates on all fours ! his tail, you perceive, is held aloft by his two principal concubines, Elline and Argelais; and_his whole appearance would_be infinitely prepossessing, were it not for_the protuberance of_his eyes, which will certainly start out of_his head, and_the queer color of_his face, which_has become nondescript from_the quantity of wine he has swallowed . let_us follow him to_the hippodrome, whither he_is proceeding, and listen to_the song of triumph which he_is commencing:

who_is king but Epiphanes ?

say -- do_you_know ?

who_is king but Epiphanes ?

bravo ! -- bravo !

there_is none but Epiphanes,

no -- there_is none:

so tear down the temples,

and put out the sun !

well and strenuously sung ! the populace are hailing him ' prince of Poets,' as_well as ' glory of_the east,' ' delight of_the universe,' and ' most remarkable of Cameleopards .' they_have encored his effusion, and do_you hear ? -- he_is singing it over again . when he arrives at_the hippodrome, he_will_be crowned with_the poetic wreath, in anticipation of_his victory at_the approaching Olympics .

" but, good Jupiter ! what_is the matter in_the crowd behind us ? "

behind us, did you say ? -- oh ! ah ! -- I perceive . my friend, it_is well that you spoke in_time . let_us get into a place of safety as_soon_as_possible . here ! -- let_us conceal ourselves in_the arch of_this aqueduct, and_I_will inform you presently of_the origin of_the commotion . it has turned out as I_have_been anticipating . the singular appearance of_the cameleopard and_the head of a man, has, it seems, given offence to_the notions of propriety entertained, in general, by_the wild animals domesticated in_the city .a mutiny has_been the result; and, as is usual upon_such occasions, all human efforts will_be of no avail in quelling the mob . several of_the Syrians have already been devoured; but the general voice of_the four- footed patriots seems_to_be for eating up the cameleopard .' the prince of Poets,' therefore, is upon his hinder legs, running for_his life . his courtiers have left him in_the lurch, and_his concubines have followed so excellent an example .' delight of_the universe,' thou art in a sad predicament ! ' glory of_the east,' thou art in danger of mastication ! therefore never regard so piteously thy tail; it_will undoubtedly be draggled in_the mud, and for_this there_is no help . look not behind thee, then, at its unavoidable degradation; but take courage, ply thy legs with vigor, and scud for_the hippodrome ! remember that thou art Antiochus Epiphanes .Antiochus the illustrious ! -- also ' prince of Poets,' ' glory of_the east,' ' delight of_the universe,' and ' most remarkable of Cameleopards ! ' Heavens ! what a power of speed thou art displaying ! what a capacity for leg- bail thou art developing ! run, prince ! -- bravo, Epiphanes ! well done, Cameleopard ! -- glorious Antiochus ! -- he runs ! -- he leaps ! -- he flies ! like an arrow from a catapult he approaches the hippodrome ! he leaps ! -- he shrieks ! -- he is_there ! this_is well; for hadst thou, ' glory of_the east,' been half a second longer in reaching the gates of_the Amphitheatre, there_is not a bear's cub in Epidaphne that_would not have_had a nibble at thy carcase . let_us be off -- let_us take our departure ! -- for we_shall find our delicate modern ears unable to endure the vast uproar which_is about to commence in celebration of_the king's escape ! listen ! it has already commenced . see ! -- the whole town is topsy-turvy .

" surely this_is_the most populous city of_the east ! what a wilderness of people ! what a jumble of all ranks and ages ! what a multiplicity of sects and nations ! what a variety of costumes ! what aBabel of languages ! what ascreaming of beasts ! what atinkling of instruments ! what a parcel of philosophers ! "

come let_us be off .

" stay a moment ! I_see a vast hubbub in_the hippodrome; what_is the meaning of it, I beseech you ? "

that ? -- oh, nothing ! the noble and free citizens of Epidaphne being, as_they declare, well satisfied of_the faith, valor, wisdom, and divinity of_their king, and having, moreover, been eye-witnesses of_his late superhuman agility, do think it no more than their duty to invest his brows ( in_addition_to_the poetic crown) with_the wreath of victory in_the footrace -- a wreath which it_is evident he_must obtain at_the celebration of_the next Olympiad, and which, therefore, they now give him in advance .

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Footnotes -- Four Beasts

{*1} Flavius Vospicus says, that_the hymn here introduced was sung by_the rabble upon_the occasion of Aurelian, in_the Sarmatic war, having slain, with_his own hand, nine hundred and fifty of_the enemy .