The Door in the Wall by H.G. Wells
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taken by surprise to stop my cab until we were well past and round a corner . then I had a queer moment, a double and divergent movement of_my will: I tapped the little door in_the roof of_the cab, and brought my arm down to pull out my watch .' yes, sir ! ' said the cabman, smartly .'Er-- well-- it's nothing,' I cried .'_My mistake ! we haven't much time ! go on ! ' and he went on .. .

"I got my scholarship . and_the night after i_was told of_that I sat over my fire in my little upper room, my study, in my father's house, with_his praise-- his rare praise-- and_his sound counsels ringing in my ears, and I smoked my favourite pipe-- the formidable bulldog of adolescence-- and thought of_that door in_the long white wall .' if I had stopped,' i_thought, ' i_should_have missed my scholarship, i_should_have missed Oxford-- muddled all the fine career before me ! I begin to_see things better ! ' I fell musing deeply, but I_did_not doubt then this career of_mine was a thing that merited sacrifice .

" those dear friends and_that clear atmosphere seemed very sweet to_me, very fine but remote . my grip was fixing now upon_the world . I_saw another door opening-- the door of_my career ."

he stared again into_the fire . its red light picked out a stubborn strength in_his face for just one flickering moment, and then it vanished again .

" well," he_said and sighed, " I_have served that career . I_have_done-- much work, much hard work . but I_have dreamt of_the enchanted garden a thousand dreams, and seen its door, or at_least glimpsed its door, four times since then . yes--four times . for a while this world was so bright and interesting, seemed so full of meaning and opportunity, that_the half-effaced charm of_the garden was by comparison gentle and remote . who wants to pat panthers on_the way to dinner with pretty women and distinguished men ? I_came down to London from Oxford, a man of bold promise that I_have_done something to redeem . something-- and yet there_have been disappointments .. .

" twice I_have_been in love-- i_will_not dwell on_that-- but once, as I went to someone who, I_knew, doubted whether I dared to_come, i_took a short cut at a venture through an unfrequented road near earl's court, and so happened on a white wall and a familiar green door .' odd ! ' said I to myself, ' but i_thought this place was on Campden hill . it's the place I never could find somehow-- like counting Stonehenge-- the place of_that queer daydream of_mine .' and I went by_it intent upon my purpose . it had no appeal to_me that afternoon .

"I had just a moment's impulse to_try the door, three steps aside were needed at_the most-- though i_was sure enough in my heart that_it would open to_me-- and then i_thought that doing_so might delay me on_the way to_that appointment in_which i_thought my honour was involved .Afterwards i_was sorry for_my punctuality-- might at_least have peeped in, i_thought, and waved a hand to_those panthers, but I_knew enough by_this_time not to seek again belatedly that which_is not found by seeking . yes, that_time made me very sorry .. .

"Years of hard work after_that, and never a sight of_the door . it's only recently it has_come back to_me . with it there has_come a sense as_though some thin tarnish had spread itself over my world .I began to_think of it as a sorrowful and bitter thing that i_should never see that door again . perhaps i_was suffering a little from overwork-- perhaps it_was what I've heard spoken of as_the feeling of forty .I don't know . but certainly the keen brightness that makes effort easy has gone out of things recently, and_that just at_a_time-- with all these new political developments-- when I ought_to_be working . odd, isn't it ? but I_do begin to_find life toilsome, its rewards, as I come near them, cheap .I began a little while ago to want the garden quite badly . yes-- and I've seen it three times ."

" the garden ? "

" no--- the door ! and I haven't gone in ! "

he leant over the table to_me, with an enormous sorrow in_his voice as he spoke ." thrice I_have_had my chance--_thrice ! if ever that door offers itself to_me again, I swore, i_will go in, out of_this dust and heat, out of_this dry glitter of vanity, out of_these toilsome futilities . i_will go and never return . this_time i_will stay .. .I swore it, and when_the time came--_I didn't go .

" three times in one year have I passed that door and failed to enter . three times in_the last year .

" the first time was on_the night of_the snatch division on_the Tenants' redemption bill, on_which the government was saved by a majority of three . you remember ? no one on_our side-- perhaps very few on_the opposite side-- expected the end that night . then the debate collapsed like eggshells .I and Hotchkiss were dining with_his cousin at Brentford; we were both unpaired, and we were called up by telephone, and set off at once in_his cousin's motor . we got in barely in_time, and on_the way we passed my wall and door-- livid in_the moonlight, blotched with hot yellow as_the glare of_our lamps lit it, but unmistakable .' my god ! ' cried I .' what ? ' said Hotchkiss .' nothing ! ' I answered, and_the moment passed .

"'I've made a great sacrifice,' i_told the whip as I got in .' they all have,' he_said, and hurried by .

" I_do_not_see how I_could_have done otherwise then . and_the next occasion was as I rushed to my father's bedside to bid that stern old man farewell . then, too, the claims of life were imperative . but the third time was different; it happened a week ago . it fills me with hot remorse to recall it . i_was with Gurker and Ralphs-- it's no secret now, you_know, that I've had my talk with Gurker . we had_been dining at Frobisher's, and_the talk had become intimate between_us . the question of_my place in_the reconstructed ministry lay always just over the boundary of_the discussion . yes-- yes . that's all settled . it needn't be talked about yet, but there's no reason to_keep a secret from_you .. . yes-- thanks ! thanks ! but let me tell you my story .

" then, on_that night things were very_much in_the air . my position was a very delicate one . i_was keenly anxious to_get some definite word from Gurker, but was hampered by Ralphs' presence . i_was using the best power of_my brain to_keep that light and careless talk not too obviously directed to_the point that concerned me .I had to .Ralphs' behaviour since has more than justified my caution .. .Ralphs, I_knew, would leave us beyond the Kensington high street, and then I_could surprise Gurker by a sudden frankness . one has sometimes to resort to_these little devices .. . and then it was_that in_the margin of_my field of vision I became aware once more of_the white wall, the green door before_us down the road .

" we passed it talking .I passed it . I_can still see the shadow of Gurker's marked profile, his opera hat tilted forward over his prominent nose, the many folds of_his neck wrap going before my shadow and Ralphs' as_we sauntered past .

"I passed within twenty inches of_the door .' if I_say good- night to_them, and go in,' I asked myself, ' what_will happen ? ' and i_was all a- tingle for_that word with Gurker .

" I_could_not answer that question in_the tangle of_my other problems .' they_will think me mad,' i_thought .' and suppose I vanish now ! ---Amazing disappearance of a prominent politician ! ' that weighed with me .a thousand inconceivably petty worldlinesses weighed with me in_that crisis ."

then he turned on me with a sorrowful smile, and, speaking slowly, " here I_am ! " he_said .

" here I_am ! " he repeated, " and my chance has gone from me . three times in one year the door has_been offered me-- the door that goes into peace, into delight, into a beauty beyond dreaming, a kindness no man on earth can know . and I_have rejected it, Redmond, and it has gone----"

" how do_you_know ? "

" I_know . I_know . I_am left now to work it out, to stick to_the tasks that held me so strongly when my moments came . you say I_have success-- this vulgar, tawdry, irksome, envied thing . I_have it ." he had a walnut in_his big hand ." if_that was my success," he_said, and crushed it, and held it out for_me to_see .

" let me tell you something, Redmond . this loss is destroying me . for two months, for ten weeks nearly now, I_have_done no work at all, except the most necessary and urgent duties . my soul is full of inappeasable regrets . at nights-- when it_is less likely I_shall_be recognised--I go out .I wander . yes .I wonder what people would think of_that if_they knew .a cabinet minister, the responsible head of_that most vital of all departments, wandering alone--grieving--sometimes near audibly lamenting-- for a door, for a garden ! "

IV .

I_can_see now his rather pallid face, and_the unfamiliar sombre fire that had come into his eyes . I_see him very vividly to- night .I sit recalling his words, his tones, and last evening's Westminster gazette still lies on my sofa, containing the notice of_his death . at lunch to- day the club was busy with_his death . we talked of nothing else .

they found his body very early yesterday morning in a deep excavation near east Kensington station . it_is one of two shafts that_have been made in connection with an extension of_the railway southward . it_is protected from_the intrusion of_the public by ahoarding upon_the high road, in_which a small doorway has_been cut for_the convenience of some_of_the workmen who live in_that direction . the doorway was left unfastened through amisunderstanding between two gangers, and through it he_made his way .. .

my mind is darkened with questions and riddles .

it would seem he walked all the way from_the house that night-- he has frequently walked home during_the_past session-- and so it_is I figure his dark form coming along the late and empty streets, wrapped up, intent . and then did the pale electric lights near the station cheat the rough planking into a semblance of white ? did that fatal unfastened door awaken some memory ?

was there, after all, ever any green door in_the wall at all ?

I_do_not know . I_have told his story as he_told it to_me . there_are times when I believe that Wallace was no more than_the victim of_the coincidence between a rare but not unprecedented type of hallucination and a careless trap, but that indeed is_not my profoundest belief . you_may think me superstitious, if_you_will, and foolish; but, indeed, I_am more than half convinced that he had, in truth, an abnormal gift, and a sense, something-- I_know not what--- that in_the guise of wall and door offered him an outlet, a secret and peculiar passage of escape into another and altogether more beautiful world . at any rate, you_will say, it betrayed him in_the end . but did it betray him ? there you touch the inmost mystery of_these dreamers, these men of vision and_the imagination . we see our world fair and common, the hoarding and_the pit . by our daylight standard he walked out of security into darkness, danger, and death .

but did he see like that ?

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