Curious Relic for Sale by Mark Twain

mark twain

" for sale , for_the benefit of_the fund for_the relief of_the Widows and Orphans deceased Firemen, curious ancient Bedouin pipe , procured at_the city Endor Palestine , and believed to_have once belonged to_the justly - renowned witch Endor Parties desiring examine this singular relic with view purchasing, can do_so calling upon Daniel S . 119 and 121 William street , New_York "

per advertisement in_the " herald " curious old relic indeed , I had good personal right to_know single instant of_time , long drawn panorama sights and scenes in_the holy land flashed through memory -- town and grove , desert , camp , and caravan clattering after each_other and disappearing, leaping with little of_the surprised and dizzy feeling which I_have experienced sundry times when long express train has overtaken some quiet curve and gone whizzing, car car , around the corner and out sight in_that prolific instant I_saw again all the country from_the sea Galilee and Nazareth clear Jerusalem , and thence over the hills Judea and through_the vale Sharon Joppa, down by_the ocean leaving out unimportant stretches country and details incident , I_saw and experienced the following described matters and things immediately three years fell away from age , and vanished time was restored to_me September , 1867 it_was flaming oriental day -- this_one that had come out_of_the past and brought along its actors, its stage -properties, and scenic effects-- and_our party had just ridden through_the squalid hive human vermin which still holds the ancient Biblical name Endor; i_was bringing the rear grave four- dollar steed, who was about beginning compose himself for_his usual noon nap ! only fifteen minutes before how the black , mangy , nine-tenths naked , ten-tenths filthy , ignorant , bigoted , besotted , hungry , lazy , malignant , screeching, crowding, struggling, wailing, begging, cursing, hateful spawn of_the original witch had swarmed out_of_the caves in_the rocks and_the holes and crevices in_the earth , and blocked our horses' way , besieged , threw themselves in_the animals' path , clung to_their manes, saddle - furniture , and tails, asking, beseeching, demanding "bucksheesh ! bucksheesh ! BUCKSHEESH ! " had rained small copper Turkish coins among them , fugitives fling coats and hats pursuing wolves , and then had spurred our way through as_they stopped scramble for_the largess i_was fervently thankful when had gotten well on_the desolate hillside and outstripped them and left them jawing and gesticulating in_the rear what tempest had seemingly gone roaring and crashing and left its dull thunders pulsing ears !

i_was in_the rear , i_was saying our pack -mules and Arabs were far ahead , and Dan, jack , Moult, Davis, Denny, church , and birch ( these names will as_well any represent the boys) were following after them horse nodded rest , I heard sort panting behind , and turned and saw that tawny youth from_the village had overtaken --a true remnant and representative of_his ancestress the witch --a galvanised scurvy , wrought into_the human shape and garnished with ophthalmia and leprous scars-- airy creature with invisible shirt - front that reached below the pit of_his stomach , and other clothing to_speak except tobacco - pouch , ammunition - pocket , and venerable gun , which_was long enough club any game with_that came within shooting distance , but far from efficient article dress

i_thought myself , " now this disease with human heart in_it going shoot " I smiled derision at_the idea Bedouin daring touch off his great - grandfather 's rusty gun and getting his head blown off for_his pains but then occurred to_me , simple school - boy language , " suppose he_should take deliberate aim and ' haul off ' and fetch with_the butt - end ? " there_was wisdom in_that view , and I stopped parley I_found he_was only friendly villain who wanted trifle bucksheesh, and after begging what he_could get in_that way , was perfectly willing trade off everything had for more I believe he_would_have parted with_his last shirt for bucksheesh had had one he_was smoking the "humbliest" pipe I ever saw --a dingy , funnel - shaped , red - clay thing , streaked and grimed with oil and tears tobacco , and with all the different kinds dirt there_are , and thirty per cent of_them peculiar and indigenous Endor and perdition and rank ? I never smelt anything like withered cactus that stood lifting its prickly hands aloft beside the trail even woke horse I_said i_would take that cost franc , Russian kopek, brass , and slate pencil ; and spendthrift lavishness won upon_the son of_the desert that passed over his pouch most unspeakably villainous tobacco to_me free gift what pipe it_was , to_be_sure ! had rude brass - wire cover to_it , and little coarse iron chain suspended from_the bowl , with iron splinter attached loosen the tobacco and pick your teeth with the stem looked like the half slender walking- stick with_the bark

I_felt that_this pipe had belonged to_the original witch Endor as_soon_as I_saw ; and I smelt , I_knew moreover , I asked the Arab cub good English if_it_was not , and answered good Arabic that_it_was I woke horse and went way , smoking and presently I_said myself reflectively, " if_there_is anything that could make man deliberately assault dying cripple , I reckon may_be unexpected whiff from_this pipe would do_it " I smoked along till I_found i_was beginning lie , and project murder , and steal own things out one pocket and hide them another ; and then I put treasure , took off spurs and put them under horse 's tail , and shortly came tearing through our caravan like hurricane

from_that_time forward , going Jerusalem , the dead sea , and_the Jordan, Bethany, Bethlehem , and everywhere , I loafed contentedly in_the rear and enjoyed infamous pipe and revelled imaginary villany but at_the end two weeks turned our faces toward the sea and journeyed over the Judean hills, and through rocky defiles, and among_the scenes that Samson knew in_his youth , and and touched level ground just night , and trotted off cheerily over the plain Sharon it_was perfectly jolly for three hours, and whites crowded along together , after_the chief Arab muleteer ( all the pack -animals and_the other Arabs were miles in_the rear ), and laughed, and chatted, and argued hotly about Samson, and whether suicide was sin not , since Paul speaks Samson distinctly being saved and heaven but and by_the night air , and_the duskiness, and_the weariness eight hours in_the saddle , began to_tell , and conversation flagged and finally died out utterly the squeak -squeaking of_the saddles grew very distinct ; occasionally somebody sighed , started hum tune and gave ; now_and_then horse sneezed these things only emphasised the solemnity and_the stillness everybody got listless that for once I and dreamer found ourselves in_the lead it_was glad , new sensation , and I longed to_keep the place forevermore every little stir in_the dingy cavalcade behind made nervous Davis and I were riding side side , right after_the Arab about 11 o'clock had become really chilly , and_the dozing boys roused and began inquire how far it_was Ramlah yet , and demand that_the Arab hurry along faster I_gave then , and heart sank within , because of_course they_would come up_to scold the Arab I_knew I had take_the rear again sorrow I unconsciously took pipe , only comfort I touched the match to_it the whole company came lumbering and crowding horse 's rump and flanks whiff smoke drifted back over shoulder , and --

" the suffering Moses ! "

"Whew ! "

" George , who opened that graveyard ? "

"Boys, that Arab 's been swallowing something dead ! "

right away there_was gap behind whiff after whiff sailed airily back , and each_one widened the breach within fifteen seconds the barking, and gasping, and sneezing, and coughing of_the boys, and their angry abuse of_the Arab guide , had dwindled murmur , and Davis and I were alone with_the leader Davis did_not know what the matter was , and don't to_this day occasionally caught faint film of_the smoke and fell scolding at_the Arab and wondering how long had_been decaying in_that way our boys kept dropping back further and further , till last they were only hearing, not sight and every time they started gingerly forward reconnoitre shoot the Arab , as_they proposed to_do --I let them get within good fair range of_my relic ( she_would carry seventy yards with wonderful precision ), and then wafted whiff among them that sent them gasping and strangling to_the rear again I kept gun well charged and ready , and twice within_the hour I decoyed the boys right up_to horse 's tail , and then with one malarious blast emptied the saddles, almost I never heard Arab abused life really owed his preservation to_me , because for_one entire hour I stood between him and certain death the boys would_have killed him if_they could_have got

and , when_the company were far in_the rear , I put away pipe -- i_was getting fearfully dry and crisp about_the gills and rather blown with good diligent work -- and spurred animated trance alongside the Arab and stopped him and asked for water unslung his little gourd - shaped earthenware jug, and I put under moustache and took long , glorious , satisfying draught i_was going scour the mouth of_the jug little , but I_saw that I had brought the whole train together once more delay , and that_they were all anxious drink too -- and would_have_been long_ago if_the Arab had_not pretended that he_was out water I hastened to_pass the vessel Davis he_took mouthful , and never said word , but climbed off his horse and lay down calmly in_the road I_felt sorry for Davis it_was too late now , though , and Dan was drinking Dan got down too , and hunted for soft place i_thought I heard Dan say , " that Arab 's friends ought to_keep him alcohol else take him out and bury him somewhere " all the boys took drink and climbed down it_is_not well to_go into further particulars let_us draw the curtain upon_this act

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well , now , to_think that after three changing years i_should hear from_that curious old relic again , and_see Dan advertising for sale for_the benefit benevolent object Dan is_not treating that present right I_gave that pipe him for keepsake however , probably finds that_it keeps away custom and interferes with business it_is_the most convincing inanimate object all this part of_the world , perhaps Dan and I were roommates all that long " quaker city " voyage , and whenever I desired to_have little season privacy I used fire on_that pipe and persuade Dan to_go out ; and seldom waited to_change his clothes , either about quarter , from_that three -quarters minute , he_would_be propping the smoke - stack on_the upper deck and cursing I wonder how the faithful old relic going to_sell ?