Colonel Starbottle for the Plaintiff by Bret Harte
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colonel Starbottle for_the plaintiff

by Bret Harte (1839-1902)

[ from harper's Magazine_, march, 1901 .Republished in_the volume, _Openings in_the old trail (1902), by Bret Harte; copyright, 1902, by Houghton Mifflin company, the authorized publishers of Bret Harte's complete works; reprinted by their permission .]

it had_been a day of triumph for colonel Starbottle . first, for_his personality, as it would_have_been difficult to separate the colonel's achievements from_his individuality; second, for_his oratorical abilities as a sympathetic pleader; and third, for_his functions as_the leading counsel for_the eureka ditch company versus the state of California . on_his strictly legal performances in_this issue I prefer not to_speak; there were those who denied them, although the jury had accepted them in_the face of_the ruling of_the half- amused, half- cynical judge himself . for an hour they had laughed with_the colonel, wept with_him, been stirred to personal indignation or patriotic exaltation by his passionate and lofty periods-- what else could they_do than give him their verdict ? if_it_was alleged by some that_the American eagle, Thomas Jefferson, and_the Resolutions of '98 had nothing whatever to_do with_the contest of a ditch company over a doubtfully worded legislative document; that wholesale abuse of_the state attorney and_his political motives had_not the slightest connection with_the legal question raised-- it_was, nevertheless, generally accepted that_the losing party would_have_been only too glad_to_have the colonel on their side . and colonel Starbottle knew this, as, perspiring, florid, and panting, he rebuttoned the lower buttons of_his blue frock- coat, which had become loosed in an oratorical spasm, and readjusted his old- fashioned, spotless shirt frill above it as he strutted from_the court- room amidst the hand-shakings and acclamations of_his friends .

and here an unprecedented thing occurred . the colonel absolutely declined spirituous refreshment at_the neighboring palmetto saloon, and declared his intention of proceeding directly to_his office in_the adjoining square . nevertheless the colonel quitted the building alone, and apparently unarmed except for_his faithful gold- headed stick, which hung as usual from_his forearm . the crowd gazed after him with undisguised admiration of_this new evidence of_his pluck . it_was remembered also that a mysterious note had_been handed to him at_the conclusion of_his speech--evidently a challenge from_the state attorney . it_was quite plain that_the colonel--a practised duellist-- was hastening home to answer it .

but herein they were wrong . the note was in a female hand, and simply requested the colonel to accord an interview with_the writer at_the colonel's office as_soon_as he left the court . but it_was an engagement that_the colonel-- as devoted to_the fair sex as he_was to_the " code"-- was no less prompt in accepting . he flicked away the dust from_his spotless white trousers and varnished boots with_his handkerchief, and settled his black cravat under his Byron collar as he neared his office . he_was surprised, however, on opening the door of_his private office to_find his visitor already there; he_was still more startled to_find her somewhat past middle age and plainly attired . but the colonel was brought up in a school of southern politeness, already antique in_the republic, and_his bow of courtesy belonged to_the epoch of_his shirt frill and strapped trousers . no one could_have detected his disappointment in_his manner, albeit his sentences were short and incomplete . but the colonel's colloquial speech was apt to_be fragmentary incoherencies of_his larger oratorical utterances .

"A thousand pardons-- for--er--having kept a lady waiting--er ! but--er--congratulations of friends-- and--er-- courtesy due to_them--er-- interfered with-- though perhaps only heightened-- by procrastination-- pleasure of--ha ! " and_the colonel completed his sentence with a gallant wave of_his fat but white and well- kept hand .

" yes ! I_came to_see you along o' that speech of yours . i_was in court . when I heard you gettin' it off on_that jury, I says to myself that's the kind o' lawyer i_want .a man that's flowery and convincin' ! just the man to_take up our case ."

"Ah ! it's a matter of business, I_see," said the colonel, inwardly relieved, but externally careless ." and--er-- may I ask_the nature of_the case ? "

" well ! it's a breach-o'- promise suit," said the visitor, calmly .

if_the colonel had_been surprised before, he_was now really startled, and with an added horror that required all his politeness to conceal . breach- of- promise cases were his peculiar aversion . he had always held them to_be a kind of litigation which could_have_been obviated by_the prompt killing of_the masculine offender-- in_which_case he_would_have gladly defended the killer . but a suit for damages ! --_damages ! -- with_the reading of love-letters before a hilarious jury and court, was against all his instincts . his chivalry was outraged; his sense of humor was small-- and in_the course of_his career he had lost one_or_two important cases through an unexpected development of_this quality in a jury .

the woman had evidently noticed his hesitation, but mistook its cause ." it ain't me-- but my darter ."

the colonel recovered his politeness ."Ah ! I_am relieved, my dear madam ! I_could hardly conceive a man ignorant enough to--er--er-- throw away such evident good fortune-- or base enough to deceive the trustfulness of womanhood-- matured and experienced only in_the chivalry of_our sex, ha ! "

the woman smiled grimly ." yes ! -- it's my darter, Zaidee hooker-- so ye might spare some_of_them pretty speeches for her_-- before_the jury ."

the colonel winced slightly before this doubtful prospect, but smiled ."Ha ! yes ! -- certainly-- the jury . but--er-- my dear lady, need we go as far as_that ? Cannot this affair be settled--er-- out of court ? could_not this--er-- individual-- be admonished-- told that he_must give satisfaction-- personal satisfaction-- for_his dastardly conduct-- to --er-- near relative-- or even valued personal friend ? the--er--arrangements necessary for_that purpose I myself would undertake ."

he_was quite sincere; indeed, his small black eyes shone with_that fire which a pretty woman or an "affair of honor" could alone kindle . the visitor stared vacantly at him, and said, slowly:

" and what good is_that goin' to_do us ? "

" compel him to--er-- perform his promise," said the colonel, leaning back in_his chair .

" ketch him doin' it ! " said the woman, scornfully ." no-- that ain't wot we're after . we_must make him pay ! Damages-- and nothin' short o' _that ."

the colonel bit his lip ."I suppose," he_said, gloomily, " you_have documentary evidence-- written promises and protestations--er--er-- love-letters, in_fact ? "

" no--nary a letter ! ye see, that's jest it-- and_that's where you_ come in . you've got to_convince that jury yourself . you've got to show what it_is-- tell the whole story your own way . lord ! to a man like you that's nothin' ."

Startling as_this admission might_have_been to any_other lawyer, Starbottle was absolutely relieved by_it . the absence of any mirth-provoking correspondence, and_the appeal solely to_his own powers of persuasion, actually struck his fancy . he lightly put aside the compliment with a wave of_his white hand .

" of_course," said the colonel, confidently, " there_is strongly presumptive and corroborative evidence ? perhaps you_can_give me--er--a brief outline of_the affair ? "

"Zaidee kin do_that straight enough, I reckon," said the woman; " what i_want to_know first is, kin you take_the case ? "

the colonel did_not hesitate; his curiosity was piqued ."I certainly can . I_have no_doubt your daughter will put me in possession of sufficient facts and details-- to constitute what we call--er--a brief ."

" she kin be brief enough-- or long enough-- for_the matter of_that," said the woman, rising . the colonel accepted this implied witticism with a smile .

" and when may I_have the pleasure of seeing her ? " he asked, politely .

" well, I reckon as_soon_as I_can trot out and call her . she's just outside, meanderin' in_the road-- kinder shy, ye know, at first ."

she walked to_the door . the astounded colonel nevertheless gallantly accompanied her as she stepped out into_the street and called, shrilly, " you Zaidee ! "

a young girl here apparently detached herself from a tree and_the ostentatious perusal of an old election poster, and sauntered down towards the office door . like her mother, she was plainly dressed; unlike her, she had a pale, rather refined face, with a demure mouth and downcast eyes . this_was all the colonel saw as he bowed profoundly and led the way into his office, for she accepted his salutations without lifting her head . he helped her gallantly to a chair, on_which she seated herself sideways, somewhat ceremoniously, with her eyes following the point of her parasol as she traced a pattern on_the carpet .a second chair offered to_the mother that lady, however, declined ."I reckon to leave you and Zaidee together to_talk it out," she said; turning to her daughter, she added, " jest you tell him all, Zaidee," and before_the colonel could rise again, disappeared from_the room . in_spite of_his professional experience, Starbottle was for a moment embarrassed . the young girl, however, broke the silence without looking up .

"Adoniram K .Hotchkiss," she began, in a monotonous voice, as_if it were a recitation addressed to_the public, " first began to_take notice of me a year ago .Arter that-- off and on----"

" one moment," interrupted the astounded colonel; " do_you_mean Hotchkiss the president of_the ditch company ? " he had recognized the name of a prominent citizen--a rigid ascetic, taciturn, middle- aged man--a deacon-- and more than that, the head of_the company he had just defended . it seemed inconceivable .

" that's him," she continued, with eyes still fixed on_the parasol and without changing her monotonous tone--" off and on ever_since . most of_the time at_the free- will Baptist church-- at morning service, prayer- meetings, and such . and at home-- outside--er-- in_the road ."

" is_it this gentleman-- Mr Adoniram K .Hotchkiss-- who--er-- promised marriage ? " stammered the colonel .

" yes ."

the colonel shifted uneasily in_his chair ." most extraordinary ! for-- you_see-- my dear young lady-- this becomes--a--er-- most delicate affair ."

" that's what maw said," returned the young woman, simply, yet with_the faintest smile playing around her demure lips and downcast cheek .

"I mean," said the colonel, with a pained yet courteous smile, " that_this--er-- gentleman-- is in_fact--er-- one of_my clients ."

" that's what maw said, too, and of_course your knowing him will make it all the easier for_you," said the young woman .

a slight flush crossed the colonel's cheek as he returned quickly and a little stiffly, " on_the contrary--er-- it may make it impossible for_me to--er-- act in_this_matter ."

the girl lifted her eyes . the colonel held his breath as_the long lashes were raised to_his level . even to an ordinary observer that sudden revelation of her eyes seemed to transform her face with subtle witchery . they were large, brown, and soft, yet filled with an extraordinary penetration and prescience . they were the eyes of an experienced woman of thirty fixed in_the face of a child . what else the colonel saw there heaven only knows ! he_felt his inmost secrets plucked from_him-- his whole soul laid bare-- his vanity, belligerency, gallantry-- even his medieval chivalry, penetrated, and yet illuminated, in_that single glance . and when_the eyelids fell again, he_felt that a greater part of himself had_been swallowed up in_them .

"I beg your pardon," he_said, hurriedly ."I mean-- this_matter may_be arranged--er--amicably . my interest with-- and as_you wisely say-- my--er-- knowledge of_my client--er-- Mr Hotchkiss-- may affect--a compromise ."

" and damages_," said the young girl, readdressing her parasol, as_if she had never looked up .

the colonel winced ." and--er-- undoubtedly compensation_-- if_you_do_not press afulfilment of_the promise . unless," he_said, with an attempted return to_his former easy gallantry, which, however, the recollection of her eyes made difficult, " it_is a question of--er-- the affections ? "

" which ? " said his fair client, softly .

" if_you still love him ? " explained the colonel, actually blushing .

Zaidee again looked up; again taking the colonel's breath away with eyes that expressed not_only the fullest perception of what he had _said_, but of what he thought and had_not said, and with an added subtle suggestion of what he_might_have thought ." that's tellin'," she said, dropping her long lashes again . the colonel laughed vacantly . then feeling himself growing imbecile, he forced an equally weak gravity ." pardon me--I understand there_are no letters; may I_know the way in_which he formulated his declaration and promises ? "

" hymn-books," said the girl, briefly .

"I beg your pardon," said the mystified lawyer .

" hymn-books-- marked words in_them with pencil-- and passed 'em on to_me," repeated Zaidee ." like ' love,' ' dear,' ' precious,' ' sweet,' and 'blessed,'" she added, accenting each word with a push of her parasol on_the carpet ."Sometimes a whole line outer Tate and Brady-- and _Solomon's Song_, you_know, and sich ."

"I believe," said the colonel, loftily, " that_the--er--phrases of sacred psalmody lend themselves to_the language of_the affections . but in regard to_the distinct promise of marriage-- was there--er-- no _other expression ? "

" marriage service in_the prayer- book--lines and words outer that-- all marked," said Zaidee . the colonel nodded naturally and approvingly ." very_good . were others cognizant of_this ? were there any witnesses ? "

" of_course not," said the girl ." only me and him . it_was generally at church- time-- or prayer-meeting . once, in passing the plate, he slipped one o' them peppermint lozenges with_the letters stamped on_it 'I love you' for_me to_take ."

the colonel coughed slightly ." and you_have the lozenge ? "

"I ate it," said the girl, simply .

"Ah," said the colonel . after a pause he added, delicately: " but were these attentions--er-- confined to--er--- sacred precincts ? did he meet you elsewhere ? "

"Useter pass our house on_the road," returned the girl, dropping into her monotonous recital, " and useter signal ."

"Ah, signal ? " repeated the colonel, approvingly .

" yes ! he'd say 'Kerrow,' and I'd say 'Kerree .' Suthing like a bird, you_know ."

indeed, as she lifted her voice in imitation of_the call the colonel thought it certainly very sweet and birdlike . at_least as she gave it . with_his remembrance of_the grim deacon he had doubts as_to_the melodiousness of_his utterance . he gravely made her repeat it .

" and after_that signal ? " he added, suggestively .

" he'd pass on," said the girl .

the colonel coughed slightly, and tapped his desk with_his pen- holder .

" were there any endearments--er--caresses--er-- such as taking your

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