Colonel Starbottle for the Plaintiff by Bret Harte
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client, the only daughter of a widowed mother-- who has for years stemmed the varying tides of adversity-- in_the western precincts of_this town--stands before_you today invested only in her own innocence . she wears no--er-- rich gifts of her faithless admirer-- is panoplied in no jewels, rings, nor mementoes of affection such as lovers delight to hang upon_the shrine of_their affections; hers is_not the glory with_which Solomon decorated the queen of Sheba, though the defendant, as I_shall show later, clothed her in_the less expensive flowers of_the king's poetry . no ! gentlemen ! the defendant exhibited in_this affair a certain frugality of--er-- pecuniary investment, which I_am willing to admit may_be commendable in_his class . his only gift was characteristic alike of_his methods and_his economy . there_is, I understand, a certain not unimportant feature of religious exercise known as 'taking a collection .' the defendant, on_this occasion, by_the mute presentation of a tip plate covered with baize, solicited the pecuniary contributions of_the faithful . on approaching the plaintiff, however, he himself slipped a love- token upon_the plate and pushed it towards her . that love- token was a lozenge--a small disk, I_have reason to_believe, concocted of peppermint and sugar, bearing upon its reverse surface the simple words, 'I love you ! ' I_have since ascertained that_these disks may_be bought for five cents a dozen-- or at considerably less_than one half- cent for_the single lozenge . yes, gentlemen, the words 'I love you ! '-- the oldest legend of all; the refrain, ' when_the morning stars sang together'-- were presented to_the plaintiff by a medium so insignificant that_there_is, happily, no coin in_the republic low enough to represent its value .

" I_shall prove to_you, gentlemen of_the jury," said the colonel, solemnly, drawing a Bible from_his coat- tail pocket, " that_the defendant, for_the_last twelve months, conducted an amatory correspondence with_the plaintiff by_means of underlined words of sacred writ and church psalmody, such as ' beloved,' ' precious,' and ' dearest,' occasionally appropriating whole passages which seemed apposite to_his tender passion . I_shall call your attention to one_of_them . the defendant, while professing to_be a total abstainer--a man who, in my own knowledge, has refused spirituous refreshment as an inordinate weakness of_the flesh, with shameless hypocrisy underscores with_his pencil the following passage and presents it to_the plaintiff . the gentlemen of_the jury will_find it in_the song of Solomon_, page 548, chapter II, verse 5 ." after a pause, in_which_the rapid rustling of leaves was heard in_the jury- box, colonel Starbottle declaimed in apleading, stentorian voice, "' stay me with --er--_flagons_, comfort me with--er--apples-- for I_am--er-- sick of love .' yes, gentlemen ! -- yes, you_may well turn from those accusing pages and look at_the double- faced defendant . he desires-- to--er-- be --' stayed with flagons' ! I_am not aware, at present, what kind of liquor is habitually dispensed at_these meetings, and for_which the defendant so urgently clamored; but it_will_be my duty before this trial is over to discover it, if I_have to summon every barkeeper in_this district . for_the moment, i_will simply call your attention to_the quantity . it_is_not a single drink that_the defendant asks for -- not a glass of light and generous wine, to_be shared with_his inamorata-- but a number of flagons or vessels, each possibly holding a pint measure--_for himself ! "

the smile of_the audience had become a laugh . the judge looked up warningly, when his eye caught the fact that_the colonel had again winced at_this mirth . he regarded him seriously .Mr Hotchkiss's counsel had joined in_the laugh affectedly, but Hotchkiss himself was ashy pale . there_was also a commotion in_the jury- box, ahurried turning over of leaves, and an excited discussion .

" the gentlemen of_the jury," said the judge, with official gravity, " will please keep order and attend only to_the speeches of counsel . any discussion here_is irregular and premature-- and must_be reserved for_the jury- room-- after they_have retired ."

the foreman of_the jury struggled to_his feet . he_was a powerful man, with a good- humored face, and, in_spite of_his unfelicitous nickname of " the bone- breaker," had a kindly, simple, but somewhat emotional nature . nevertheless, it appeared as_if he were laboring under some powerful indignation .

" can we ask a question, judge ? " he_said, respectfully, although his voice had the unmistakable western- American ring in_it, as of one who was unconscious that he_could be addressing any but his peers .

" yes," said the judge, good-humoredly .

" we're finding in_this yere piece, out of_which the kernel hes just bin a-quotin', some language that me and my pardners allow hadn't orter to_be read out afore a young lady in court-- and we_want to_know of you--ez a fair- minded and impartial man--ef this_is_the reg'lar kind o' book given to gals and babies down at_the meetin'- house ."

" the jury will please follow the counsel's speech, without comment," said the judge, briefly, fully aware that_the defendant's counsel would spring to_his feet, as he_did promptly ." the court will allow us to explain to_the gentlemen that_the language they seem to object to has_been accepted by_the best theologians for_the_last thousand years as being purely mystic . as i_will explain later, those are merely symbols of_the church--"

" of wot ? " interrupted the foreman, in deep scorn .

" of_the church ! "

" we ain't askin' any questions o' you_-- and we ain't takin' any answers," said the foreman, sitting down promptly .

" I_must insist," said the judge, sternly, " that_the plaintiff's counsel be allowed to_continue his opening without interruption . you" ( to defendant's counsel) " will_have your opportunity to reply later ."

the counsel sank down in_his seat with_the bitter conviction that_the jury was manifestly against him, and_the case as good as lost . but his face was scarcely as disturbed as his client's, who, in great agitation, had begun to argue with_him wildly, and was apparently pressing some point against the lawyer's vehement opposal . the colonel's murky eyes brightened as he still stood erect with_his hand thrust in_his breast .

" it_will_be put to_you, gentlemen, when_the counsel on_the other side refrains from mere interruption and confines himself to reply, that my unfortunate client has no action-- no remedy at law-- because there were no spoken words of endearment . but, gentlemen, it_will depend upon _you to_say what_are and what_are not articulate expressions of love . we all know that among_the lower animals, with_whom you_may possibly be called upon to classify the defendant, there_are certain signals more or less harmonious, as_the case may_be . the ass brays, the horse neighs, the sheep bleats-- the feathered denizens of_the grove call to_their mates in more musical roundelays . these are recognized facts, gentlemen, which you yourselves, as dwellers among nature in_this beautiful land, are all cognizant of . they_are facts that no one would deny-- and we_should_have a poor opinion of_the ass who, at--er-- such a supreme moment, would attempt to suggest_that his call was unthinking and without significance . but, gentlemen, I_shall prove to_you that such was_the foolish, self-convicting custom of_the defendant . with_the greatest reluctance, and_the--er-- greatest pain, I succeeded in wresting from_the maidenly modesty of_my fair client the innocent confession that_the defendant had induced her to correspond with_him in_these methods . picture to yourself, gentlemen, the lonely moonlight road beside the widow's humble cottage . it_is a beautiful night, sanctified to_the affections, and_the innocent girl is leaning from her casement . presently there appears upon_the road aslinking, stealthy figure-- the defendant, on_his way to church . true to_the instruction she has received from_him, her lips part in_the musical utterance" ( the colonel lowered his voice in a faint falsetto, presumably in fond imitation of_his fair client),"'Kerree ! ' instantly the night became resonant with_the impassioned reply" ( the colonel here lifted his voice in stentorian tones), "'Kerrow .' again, as he passes, rises the soft 'Kerree'; again, as his form is lost in_the distance, comes back the deep 'Kerrow .'"

a burst of laughter, long, loud, and irrepressible, struck the whole courtroom, and before_the judge could lift his half- composed face and take his handkerchief from_his mouth, a faint "Kerree" from some unrecognized obscurity of_the courtroom was followed by a loud "Kerrow" from some opposite locality ." the sheriff will clear the court," said the judge, sternly; but alas, as_the embarrassed and choking officials rushed hither and thither, a soft "Kerree" from_the spectators at_the window, outside the courthouse, was answered by a loud chorus of "Kerrows" from_the opposite windows, filled with onlookers . again the laughter arose everywhere-- even the fair plaintiff herself sat convulsed behind her handkerchief .

the figure of colonel Starbottle alone remained erect-- white and rigid . and then the judge, looking up, saw what no one else in_the court had seen-- that_the colonel was sincere and in earnest; that what he had conceived to_be the pleader's most perfect acting, and most elaborate irony, were the deep, serious, mirthless convictions of a man without the least sense of humor . there_was a touch of_this respect in_the judge's voice as he_said to him, gently, " you_may proceed, colonel Starbottle ."

"I thank your honor," said the colonel, slowly, " for recognizing and doing all in your power to_prevent an interruption that, during my thirty years' experience at_the bar, I_have never yet been subjected to without the privilege of holding the instigators thereof responsible--_personally responsible . it_is possibly my fault that I_have failed, oratorically, to convey to_the gentlemen of_the jury the full force and significance of_the defendant's signals . I_am aware that my voice is singularly deficient in producing either the dulcet tones of_my fair client or the impassioned vehemence of_the defendant's repose . i_will," continued the colonel, with afatigued but blind fatuity that ignored the hurriedly knit brows and warning eyes of_the judge, " try again . the note uttered by my client" (lowering his voice to_the faintest of falsettos) " was 'Kerree'; the response was 'Kerrow'"-- and_the colonel's voice fairly shook the dome above him .

another uproar of laughter followed this apparently audacious repetition, but was interrupted by an unlooked- for incident . the defendant rose abruptly, and tearing himself away from_the withholding hand and pleading protestations of_his counsel, absolutely fled from_the courtroom, his appearance outside being recognized by a prolonged "Kerrow" from_the bystanders, which again and again followed him in_the distance . in_the momentary silence which followed, the colonel's voice was heard saying, " we rest here, your honor," and he sat down . no less white, but more agitated, was_the face of_the defendant's counsel, who instantly rose .

" for some unexplained reason, your honor, my client desires to suspend further proceedings, with a view to effect a peaceable compromise with_the plaintiff . as he_is a man of wealth and position, he_is able and willing to_pay liberally for_that privilege . while I, as his counsel, am still convinced of_his legal irresponsibility, as he has chosen, however, to publicly abandon his rights here, I_can only ask your honor's permission to suspend further proceedings until I_can confer with colonel Starbottle ."

" as far as I_can follow the pleadings," said the judge, gravely, " the case seems_to_be hardly one for litigation, and I approve of_the defendant's course, while I strongly urge the plaintiff to accept it ."

colonel Starbottle bent over his fair client . presently he rose, unchanged in look or demeanor ."I yield, your honor, to_the wishes of_my client, and--er-- lady . we accept ."

before_the court adjourned that day it_was known throughout_the town that Adoniram K .Hotchkiss had compromised the suit for four thousand dollars and costs .

colonel Starbottle had so_far recovered his equanimity as_to strut jauntily towards his office, where he_was to meet his fair client . he_was surprised, however, to_find her already there, and in company with a somewhat sheepish- looking young man--a stranger . if_the colonel had any disappointment in meeting a third party to_the interview, his old- fashioned courtesy did_not permit him to show it . he bowed graciously, and politely motioned them each to a seat .

"I reckoned I'd bring Hiram round with me," said the young lady, lifting her searching eyes, after a pause, to_the colonel's, " though he_was awful shy, and allowed that you didn't know him from Adam-- or even suspected his existence . but I_said, ' that's just where you slip up, Hiram; a POW'ful man like the colonel knows everything-- and I've seen it in_his eye .' Lordy ! " she continued, with a laugh, leaning forward over her parasol, as her eyes again sought the colonel's, "don't you remember when_you asked me if I loved that old Hotchkiss, and i_told you ' that's tellin',' and you looked at me, Lordy ! I_knew _then you suspected there_was aHiram somewhere_-- as good as_if I'd told you . now, you, jest get up, Hiram, and give the colonel a good handshake . for if_it wasn't for him and_his searchin' ways, and _his awful power of language, I wouldn't hev got that four thousand dollars out o' that flirty fool Hotchkiss-- enough to_buy a farm, so as_you and me could get married ! that's what you owe to him .Don't stand there like a stuck fool starin' at him . he won't eat you-- though he's killed many a better man . come, have I got to_do all the kissin' ! "

it_is of record that_the colonel bowed so courteously and so profoundly that he managed not merely to evade the proffered hand of_the shy Hiram, but to only lightly touch the franker and more impulsive fingertips of_the gentle Zaidee ."I--er-- offer my sincerest congratulations-- though i_think you--er-- overestimate-- my--er--powers of penetration . unfortunately, apressing engagement, which_may oblige me also to leave town to- night, forbids my saying more . I_have--er-- left the--er-- business settlement of_this--er-- case in_the hands of_the lawyers who do my office- work, and who_will show you every attention . and now let me wish you a very_good afternoon ."

nevertheless, the colonel returned to_his private room, and it_was nearly twilight when_the faithful Jim entered, to_find him sitting meditatively before his desk ."'Fo' god ! kernel-- I_hope dey ain't nuffin de matter, but you's lookin' mightly solemn ! I ain't seen you look dat way, kernel, since de day pooh Marse Stryker was fetched home shot froo de head ."

" hand me down the whiskey, Jim," said the colonel, rising slowly .

the Negro flew to_the closet joyfully, and brought out the bottle . the colonel poured out a glass of_the spirit and drank it with_his old deliberation .

" you're quite right, Jim," he_said, putting down his glass, " but I'm--er--getting old-- and-- somehow-- I_am missing poor Stryker damnably ! "

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