Colonel Starbottle for the Plaintiff by Bret Harte
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he expressed his intention of employing counsel-- and defending a suit," returned the colonel, affably basking in her smile . she dragged her chair nearer his desk ." then you'll fight him tooth and nail ? " she said eagerly; " you'll show him up ? you'll tell the whole story your own way ? you'll give him fits ? -- and you'll make him pay ? sure ? " she went on, breathlessly .

"I--er-- will," said the colonel, almost as breathlessly .

she caught his fat white hand, which_was lying on_the table, between her own and lifted it to her lips . he_felt her soft young fingers even through_the lisle- thread gloves that encased them and_the warm moisture of her lips upon his skin . he_felt himself flushing-- but was unable to break the silence or change his position . the next moment she had scuttled back with her chair to her old position .

"I--er-- certainly shall do my best," stammered the colonel, in an attempt to recover his dignity and composure .

" that's enough ! you'll do_it," said the girl, enthusiastically ."Lordy ! just you talk for_me as ye did for_his old ditch company, and you'll fetch it-- every time ! why, when_you made that jury sit up the other day-- when_you got that off about_the Merrikan flag waving equally over the rights of honest citizens banded together in peaceful commercial pursuits, as_well as over the fortress of official proflig--"

" oligarchy," murmured the colonel, courteously .

" oligarchy," repeated the girl, quickly, " my breath was just took away . I_said to maw, 'Ain't he too sweet for anything ! ' I_did, honest Injin ! and when_you rolled it all off at_the end-- never missing a word--( you didn't need to mark 'em in a lesson- book, but had 'em all ready on_your tongue), and walked out-- well ! I didn't know you nor the ditch company from Adam, but I_could_have just run over and kissed you there before_the whole court ! "

she laughed, with her face glowing, although her strange eyes were cast down .Alack ! the colonel's face was equally flushed, and_his own beady eyes were on_his desk . to any_other woman he_would_have voiced the banal gallantry that he_should now, himself, look forward to_that reward, but the words never reached his lips . he laughed, coughed slightly, and when he looked up again she had fallen into_the same attitude as on her first visit, with her parasol point on_the floor .

" I_must ask_you to--er-- direct your memory-- to--er-- another point; the breaking off of_the--er--er--er-- engagement . did he--er-- give any reason for_it ? or show any cause ? "

" no; he never said anything," returned the girl .

" not in_his usual way ? --er-- no reproaches out_of_the hymn- book ? -- or the sacred writings ? "

" no; he just quit ."

"Er-- ceased his attentions," said the colonel, gravely ." and naturally you--er-- were_not conscious of any cause for_his doing_so ." the girl raised her wonderful eyes so suddenly and so penetratingly without reply in any_other way that_the colonel could only hurriedly say: " I_see ! none, of_course ! "

at which she rose, the colonel rising also ." we-- shall begin proceedings at once . I_must, however, caution you to answer no questions nor say anything about_this case to any_one until you_are in court ."

she answered his request with another intelligent look and a nod . he accompanied her to_the door . as he_took her proffered hand he raised the lisle- thread fingers to_his lips with old- fashioned gallantry . as if_that act had condoned for_his first omissions and awkwardness, he became his old- fashioned self again, buttoned his coat, pulled out his shirt frill, and strutted back to_his desk .

a day_or_two later it_was known throughout_the town that Zaidee hooker had sued Adoniram Hotchkiss for breach of promise, and_that the damages were laid at five thousand dollars . as in those bucolic days the western press was under the secure censorship of a revolver, a cautious tone of criticism prevailed, and any gossip was confined to personal expression, and even then at_the risk of_the gossiper . nevertheless, the situation provoked the intensest curiosity . the colonel was approached-- until his statement that he_should consider any attempt to overcome his professional secrecy a personal reflection withheld further advances . the community were left to_the more ostentatious information of_the defendant's counsel, Messrs .Kitcham and Bilser, that_the case was " ridiculous" and " rotten," that_the plaintiff would_be nonsuited, and_the fire-eating Starbottle would_be taught a lesson that he_could_not " bully" the law-- and there were some dark hints of a conspiracy . it_was even hinted that_the " case" was_the revengeful and preposterous outcome of_the refusal of Hotchkiss to_pay Starbottle an extravagant fee for_his late services to_the ditch company . it_is unnecessary to_say that_these words were_not reported to_the colonel . it_was, however, an unfortunate circumstance for_the calmer, ethical consideration of_the subject that_the church sided with Hotchkiss, as_this provoked an equal adherence to_the plaintiff and Starbottle on_the_part of_the larger body of non- church-goers, who were delighted at a possible exposure of_the weakness of religious rectitude ."I've allus had my suspicions o' them early candle- light meetings down at_that gospel shop," said one critic, " and I reckon deacon Hotchkiss didn't rope in_the gals to attend jest for psalm-singing ." " then for him to_get up and leave the board afore the game's finished and try to sneak out of it," said another ."I suppose that's what they call religious ."

it_was therefore not remarkable that_the courthouse three weeks later was crowded with an excited multitude of_the curious and sympathizing . the fair plaintiff, with her mother, was early in attendance, and under the colonel's advice appeared in_the same modest garb in_which she had first visited his office . this and her downcast modest demeanor were perhaps at first disappointing to_the crowd, who had evidently expected a paragon of loveliness-- as_the Circe of_the grim ascetic defendant, who sat beside his counsel . but presently all eyes were fixed on_the colonel, who certainly made up in_his appearance any deficiency of_his fair client . his portly figure was clothed in a blue dress- coat with brass buttons, a buff waistcoat which permitted his frilled shirt front to_become erectile above it, a black satin stock which confined a boyish turned- down collar around his full neck, and immaculate drill trousers, strapped over varnished boots .a murmur ran round the court ." old ' personally responsible' had got his war- paint on," " the old war- horse is smelling powder," were whispered comments . yet for all that_the most irreverent among them recognized vaguely, in_this bizarre figure, something of an honored past in their country's history, and possibly felt the spell of old deeds and old names that had once thrilled their boyish pulses . the new district judge returned colonel Starbottle's profoundly punctilious bow . the colonel was followed by his Negro servant, carrying a parcel of hymn-books and Bibles, who, with a courtesy evidently imitated from_his master, placed one before_the opposite counsel . this, after a first curious glance, the lawyer somewhat superciliously tossed aside . but when Jim, proceeding to_the jury- box, placed with equal politeness the remaining copies before_the jury, the opposite counsel sprang to_his feet .

" i_want to direct the attention of_the court to_this unprecedented tampering with_the jury, by_this gratuitous exhibition of matter impertinent and irrelevant to_the issue ."

the judge cast an inquiring look at colonel Starbottle .

" may it please the court," returned colonel Starbottle with dignity, ignoring the counsel, " the defendant's counsel will observe that he_is already furnished with_the matter-- which I_regret to_say he has treated-- in_the presence of_the court-- and of_his client, a deacon of_the church-- with--er--- great superciliousness . when I state to your honor that_the books in_question are hymn-books and copies of_the _Holy Scriptures_, and that_they_are for_the instruction of_the jury, to_whom I_shall_have to refer them in_the course of_my opening, I believe I_am within my rights ."

" the act is certainly unprecedented," said the judge, dryly, " but unless the counsel for_the plaintiff expects the jury to sing from_these hymn-books, their introduction is_not improper, and I_cannot admit the objection . as defendant's counsel are furnished with copies also, they_cannot plead ' surprise,' as in_the introduction of new matter, and as plaintiff's counsel relies evidently upon_the jury's attention to_his opening, he_would_not_be the first person to distract it ." after a pause he added, addressing the colonel, who remained standing, " the court is with_you, sir; proceed ."

but the colonel remained motionless and statuesque, with folded arms .

" I_have overruled the objection," repeated the judge; " you_may go on ."

" I_am waiting, your honor, for_the--er-- withdrawal by_the defendant's counsel of_the word 'tampering,' as refers to myself, and of ' impertinent,' as refers to_the sacred volumes ."

" the request is a proper one, and I_have no_doubt will_be acceded to," returned the judge, quietly . the defendant's counsel rose and mumbled a few words of apology, and_the incident closed . there_was, however, a general feeling that_the colonel had in some way " scored," and if his object had_been to excite the greatest curiosity about_the books, he had made his point .

but impassive of_his victory, he inflated his chest, with_his right hand in_the breast of_his buttoned coat, and began . his usual high color had paled slightly, but the small pupils of_his prominent eyes glittered like steel . the young girl leaned forward in her chair with an attention so breathless, a sympathy so quick, and an admiration so artless and unconscious that in an instant she divided with_the speaker the attention of_the whole assemblage . it_was very hot; the court was crowded to suffocation; even the open windows revealed a crowd of faces outside the building, eagerly following the colonel's words .

he_would remind the jury that only a few weeks_ago he stood there as_the advocate of a powerful company, then represented by_the present defendant . he spoke then as_the champion of strict justice against legal oppression; no less should he to- day champion the cause of_the unprotected and_the comparatively defenseless-- save for_that paramount power which surrounds beauty and innocence-- even though the plaintiff of yesterday was_the defendant of to- day . as he approached the court a moment ago he had raised his eyes and beheld the starry flag flying from its dome-- and he_knew that glorious banner was a symbol of_the perfect equality, under the constitution, of_the rich and_the poor, the strong and_the weak-- an equality which made the simple citizen taken from_the plough in_the veld, the pick in_the gulch, or from behind the counter in_the mining town, who served on_that jury, the equal arbiters of justice with_that highest legal luminary whom they were proud to welcome on_the bench to- day . the colonel paused, with a stately bow to_the impassive judge . it was_this, he continued, which lifted his heart as he approached the building . and yet-- he had entered it with an uncertain-- he might almost say--a timid step . and why ? he_knew, gentlemen, he_was about to confront a profound--aye ! a sacred responsibility ! those hymn-books and holy writings handed to_the jury were not_, as his honor surmised, for_the_purpose of enabling the jury to indulge in--er-- preliminary choral exercise ! he might, indeed, say " alas not ! " they were the damning, incontrovertible proofs of_the perfidy of_the defendant . and they_would prove as terrible awarning to him as_the fatal characters upon Belshazzar's wall . there_was a strong sensation .Hotchkiss turned a sallow green . his lawyers assumed a careless smile .

it_was his duty to_tell them that_this was not one of_those ordinary " breach- of- promise" cases which were too often the occasion of ruthless mirth and indecent levity in_the courtroom . the jury would find nothing of_that here, there were no love-letters with_the epithets of endearment, nor those mystic crosses and ciphers which, he had_been credibly informed, chastely hid the exchange of_those mutual caresses known as "kisses ." there_was no cruel tearing of_the veil from those sacred privacies of_the human affection-- there_was no forensic shouting out of_those fond confidences meant only for_one . but there_was, he_was shocked to_say, a new sacrilegious intrusion . the weak pipings of Cupid were mingled with_the chorus of_the saints-- the sanctity of_the temple known as_the "meeting- house" was desecrated by proceedings more in keeping with_the shrine of Venus-- and_the inspired writings themselves were used as_the medium of amatory and wanton flirtation by_the defendant in_his sacred capacity as deacon .

the colonel artistically paused after_this thunderous denunciation . the jury turned eagerly to_the leaves of_the hymn-books, but the larger gaze of_the audience remained fixed upon_the speaker and_the girl, who sat in rapt admiration of_his periods . after_the hush, the colonel continued in a lower and sadder voice: " there_are, perhaps, few of us here, gentlemen-- with_the exception of_the defendant-- who_can arrogate to themselves the title of regular churchgoers, or to_whom these humbler functions of_the prayer-meeting, the Sunday- school, and_the Bible class are habitually familiar . yet"-- more solemnly--" down in your hearts is_the deep conviction of_our short- comings and failings, and a laudable desire that others at_least should profit by_the teachings we neglect . perhaps," he continued, closing his eyes dreamily, " there_is not a man here who does_not recall the happy days of_his boyhood, the rustic village spire, the lessons shared with some artless village maiden, with_whom he later sauntered, hand in hand, through_the woods, as_the simple rhyme rose upon their lips,

always make it a point to_have it a rule never to_be late at_the Sabbath- school ."

he_would recall the strawberry feasts, the welcome annual picnic, redolent with hunks of gingerbread and sarsaparilla . how would they feel to_know that_these sacred recollections were now forever profaned in their memory by_the knowledge that_the defendant was capable of using such occasions to_make love to_the larger girls and teachers, whilst his artless companions were innocently-- the court will pardon me for introducing what I_am credibly informed is_the local expression 'doing gooseberry' ? " the tremulous flicker of a smile passed over the faces of_the listening crowd, and_the colonel slightly winced . but he recovered himself instantly, and continued:

" my client,

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