the Approaching epidemic

by mark twain

one calamity to_which_the death of Mr Dickens dooms this country has_not awakened the concern to_which its gravity entitles it . we refer to_the fact that_the nation is_to_be lectured to death and read to death all next winter, by Tom, Dick, and Harry, with poor lamented Dickens for a pretext . all the vagabonds who_can spell will afflict the people with " readings" from Pickwick and Copperfield, and all the insignificants who have_been ennobled by_the notice of_the great novelist or transfigured by his smile will make a marketable commodity of it now, and turn the sacred reminiscence to_the practical use of procuring bread and butter . the lecture rostrums will fairly swarm with_these fortunates . already the signs of it are perceptible . behold how the unclean creatures are wending toward the dead lion and gathering to_the feast:

"Reminiscences of Dickens ." a lecture . by John smith, who heard him read eight times .

"Remembrances of Charles Dickens ." a lecture . by John Jones, who saw him once in a street car and twice in a barber shop .

"Recollections of Mr Dickens ." a lecture . by John brown, who gained a wide fame by writing deliriously appreciative critiques and rhapsodies upon_the great author's public readings; and who shook hands with_the great author upon various occasions, and held converse with_him several_times .

" readings from Dickens ." by John white, who has_the great delineator's style and manner perfectly, having attended all his readings in_this country and made these things a study, always practising each reading before retiring, and while it_was hot from_the great delineator's lips . upon_this occasion Mr W . will exhibit the remains of a cigar which he_saw Mr Dickens smoke . this relic is kept in a solid silver box made purposely for_it .

"Sights and Sounds of_the great novelist ." a popular lecture . by John gray, who waited on_his table all the time he_was at_the grand hotel, New_York, and still has in_his possession and will exhibit to_the audience a fragment of_the last piece of bread which the lamented author tasted in_this country .

" heart Treasures of precious Moments with literature's departed monarch ." a lecture . by miss Serena Amelia Tryphenia McSpadden, who still wears, and will always wear, a glove upon_the hand made sacred by_the clasp of Dickens . only death shall remove it .

" readings from Dickens ." by Mrs J .O'Hooligan Murphy, who washed for him .

" familiar Talks with_the great author ." a narrative lecture . by John Thomas, for two weeks his valet in America .

and so forth, and so on . this isn't half the list . the man who has a" toothpick once used by Charles Dickens" will_have to_have ahearing; and_the man who " once rode in an omnibus with Charles Dickens;" and_the lady to_whom Charles Dickens " granted the hospitalities of_his umbrella during a storm;" and_the person who "possesses a hole which once belonged in a handkerchief owned by Charles Dickens ." be patient and long-suffering, good people, for even this does_not fill up the measure of what you_must endure next winter . there_is no creature in all this land who has had any personal relations with_the late Mr Dickens, however slight or trivial, but will shoulder his way to_the rostrum and inflict his testimony upon his helpless countrymen . to some people it_is fatal to_be noticed by greatness .