the angel of_the odd

[ from_the Columbian Magazine_, October, 1844 .]

by Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

it_was a chilly November afternoon .I had just consummated an unusually hearty dinner, of_which the dyspeptic truffe formed not the least important item, and was sitting alone in_the dining- room with my feet upon_the fender and at my elbow a small table which I had rolled up_to_the fire, and upon_which were some apologies for dessert, with some miscellaneous bottles of wine, spirit, and liqueur . in_the morning I had_been reading glover's Leonidas_, Wilkie's Epigoniad_, Lamartine's Pilgrimage_, Barlow's Columbiad_, Tuckerman's Sicily_, and Griswold's Curiosities_, I_am willing to confess, therefore, that I now felt a little stupid . I_made effort to arouse myself by frequent aid of Lafitte, and all failing, I betook myself to a stray newspaper in despair .Having carefully perused the column of "Houses to let," and_the column of "Dogs lost," and then the columns of " wives and apprentices runaway," I attacked with great resolution the editorial matter, and reading it from beginning to end without understanding a syllable, conceived the possibility of_its being Chinese, and so re- read it from_the end to_the beginning, but with no more satisfactory result . i_was about throwing away in disgust

this folio of four pages, happy work which not even critics criticise,

when I_felt my attention somewhat aroused by_the paragraph which follows:

" the avenues to death are numerous and strange .a London paper mentions the decease of a person from a singular cause . he_was playing at ' puff the dart,' which_is played with a long needle inserted in some worsted, and blown at a target through a tin tube . he placed the needle at_the wrong end of_the tube, and drawing his breath strongly to puff the dart forward with force, drew the needle into his throat . it entered the lungs, and in_a_few_days killed him ."

upon seeing this I fell into a great rage, without exactly knowing why ." this thing," I exclaimed, " is a contemptible falsehood--a poor hoax-- the lees of_the invention of some pitiable penny-a- liner, of some wretched concocter of accidents in Cocaigne . these fellows knowing the extravagant gullibility of_the age set their wits to work in_the imagination of improbable possibilities, of odd accidents as_they term them, but to areflecting intellect ( like mine, I added, in parenthesis, putting my forefinger unconsciously to_the side of_my nose), to a contemplative understanding such as I myself possess, it seems evident at once that_the marvelous increase of late in_these ' odd accidents' is by far the oddest accident of all . for_my own part, I intend to_believe nothing henceforward that has anything of_the ' singular' about_it ."

"Mein Gott, den, vat avool you bees for dat ! " replied one_of_the_most remarkable voices I ever heard . at first i_took it for arumbling in my ears-- such as a man sometimes experiences when getting very drunk-- but upon second thought, I considered the sound as more nearly resembling that which proceeds from an empty barrel beaten with a big stick; and, in_fact, this i_should_have concluded it to_be, but for_the articulation of_the syllables and words . I_am by no means naturally nervous, and_the very few glasses of Lafitte which I had sipped served to embolden me a little, so_that I_felt nothing of trepidation, but merely uplifted my eyes with a leisurely movement and looked carefully around the room for_the intruder . I_could_not, however, perceive any_one at all .

"Humph ! " resumed the voice as I continued my survey, " you mus pe so dronk as de Pig den for not zee me as I zit here at your zide ."

hereupon I bethought me of looking immediately before my nose, and there, sure enough, confronting me at_the table sat a personage nondescript, although not altogether indescribable . his body was a wine- pipe or a rum puncheon, or something of_that character, and had a truly Falstaffian air . in its nether extremity were inserted two kegs, which seemed to answer all the purposes of legs . for arms there dangled from_the upper portion of_the carcass two tolerably long bottles with_the necks outward for hands . all the head that I_saw the monster possessed of was one of_those Hessian canteens which resemble a large snuff- box with a hole in_the middle of_the lid . this canteen ( with a funnel on its top like a cavalier cap slouched over the eyes) was set on edge upon_the puncheon, with_the hole toward myself; and through_this hole, which seemed puckered up like the mouth of a very precise old maid, the creature was emitting certain rumbling and grumbling noises which he evidently intended for intelligible talk .

"I zay," said he, " you mos pe dronk as de Pig, vor zit dare and not zee me zit ere; and I zay, doo, you mos pe pigger vool as de goose, vor to dispelief vat iz print in de print .'Tiz de troof--dat it iz--ebery vord ob it ."

" who_are you, pray ? " said I with much dignity, although somewhat puzzled; " how did you get here ? and what_is it you_are talking about ? "

" as vor ow I com'd ere," replied the figure, "dat iz none of your pizziness; and as vor vat I be talking apout, I be talk apout vat I tink proper; and as vor who I be, vy dat is de very ting I com'd here for to let you zee for_yourself ."

" you_are a drunken vagabond," said I, " and I_shall ring the bell and order my footman to kick you into_the street ."

" he ! he ! he ! " said the fellow, "hu ! hu ! hu ! dat you_can't do ."

" can't do ! " said I, " what do_you_mean ? I_can't do what ? "

" ring de pell," he replied, attempting a grin with_his little villainous mouth .

upon_this I_made an effort to_get up in_order to_put my threat into execution, but the ruffian just reached across the table very deliberately, and hitting me a tap on_the forehead with_the neck of one_of_the long bottles, knocked me back into_the armchair from_which I had half arisen . i_was utterly astounded, and for a moment was quite at a loss what to_do . in_the meantime he continued his talk .

" you zee," said he, " it iz te bess vor zit still; and now you shall know who I pe . look at me ! zee ! I_am te angel ov te odd ."

" and odd enough, too," I ventured to reply; " but i_was always under the impression that an angel had wings ."

"Te wing ! " he cried, highly incensed, " vat I pe do mit te wing ? Mein Gott ! do_you take me for ashicken ? "

" no--oh, no ! " I replied, much alarmed; " you_are no chicken-- certainly not ."

" well, den, zit still and pehabe yourself, or I'll rap you again mid me vist . it iz te shicken ab te wing, und te owl ab te wing, und te imp ab te wing, und te head-teuffel ab te wing .Te angel ab not te wing, and I_am te angel ov te odd ."

" and your business with me at present is-- is----"

" my pizziness ! " ejaculated the thing, "vy vat a low- bred puppy you mos pe vor to ask a gentleman und an angel apout his pizziness ! "

this language was rather more than I_could bear, even from an angel; so, plucking up courage, I seized a salt- cellar which lay within reach, and hurled it at_the head of_the intruder . either he dodged, however, or my aim was inaccurate; for all I accomplished was_the demolition of_the crystal which protected the dial of_the clock upon_the mantelpiece . as for_the angel, he evinced his sense of_my assault by giving me two_or_three hard, consecutive raps upon_the forehead as before . these reduced me at once to submission, and I_am almost ashamed to confess that, either through pain or vexation, there came a few tears into my eyes .

"Mein Gott ! " said the angel of_the odd, apparently much softened at my distress; "mein Gott, te man is eder ferry dronk or ferry zorry . you mos not trink it so strong-- you mos put te water in te wine . here, trink dis, like a good veller, and don't gry now--don't ! "

hereupon the angel of_the odd replenished my goblet ( which_was about a third full of port) with a colorless fluid that he poured from one of_his hand-bottles .I observed that_these bottles had labels about their necks, and that_these labels were inscribed "Kirschenwaesser ."

the considerate kindness of_the angel mollified me in no little measure; and, aided by_the water with_which he diluted my port more than once, I at_length regained sufficient temper to listen to_his very extraordinary discourse . I_cannot pretend to recount all that he_told me, but I gleaned from what he_said that he_was a genius who presided over the contretemps of mankind, and whose business it_was to bring about_the odd accidents which are continually astonishing the skeptic . once_or_twice, upon my venturing to express my total incredulity in respect to_his pretensions, he grew very angry indeed, so_that at_length I considered it the wiser policy to_say nothing at all, and let him have his own way . he talked on, therefore, at great length, while I merely leaned back in my chair with my eyes shut, and amused myself with munching raisins and filiping the stems about_the room . but, by and by, the angel suddenly construed this behavior of_mine into contempt . he arose in a terrible passion, slouched his funnel down over his eyes, swore a vast oath, uttered a threat of some character, which I_did_not precisely comprehend, and finally made me a low bow and departed, wishing me, in_the language of_the archbishop in "Gil bias," beaucoup de bonheur et un peu plus de bon sens .

his departure afforded me relief . the very few glasses of Lafitte that I had sipped had the effect of rendering me drowsy, and I_felt inclined to_take a nap of some fifteen or twenty minutes, as is my custom after dinner . at six I had an appointment of consequence, which it_was quite indispensable that i_should keep . the policy of insurance for_my dwelling- house had expired the day before; and some dispute having arisen it_was agreed that, at six, i_should meet the board of directors of_the company and settle the terms of a renewal .Glancing upward at_the clock on_the mantelpiece ( for I_felt too drowsy to_take out my watch), I had the pleasure to_find that I had still twenty-five minutes to spare . it_was half- past five; I_could easily walk to_the insurance office in five minutes; and my usual siestas had never been known to exceed five- and-twenty . I_felt sufficiently safe, therefore, and composed myself to my slumbers forthwith .

Having completed them to my satisfaction, I again looked toward the timepiece, and was half inclined to_believe in_the possibility of odd accidents when I_found that, instead of_my ordinary fifteen or twenty minutes, I had_been dozing only three; for_it still wanted seven- and-twenty of_the appointed hour .I betook myself again to my nap, and at_length a second time awoke, when, to my utter amazement, it still wanted twenty-seven minutes of six .I jumped up_to examine the clock, and found that_it had ceased running . my watch informed me that_it_was half- past seven; and, of_course, having slept two hours, i_was too late for_my appointment ." it_will make no difference," I_said: " I_can call at_the office in_the morning and apologize; in_the meantime what can_be the matter with_the clock ? " upon examining it I discovered that one_of_the raisin stems which I had_been filiping about_the room during the discourse of_the angel of_the odd had flown through_the fractured crystal, and lodging, singularly enough, in_the keyhole, with an end projecting outward, had thus arrested the revolution of_the minute hand .

"Ah ! " said I, " I_see how it_is . this thing speaks for itself .a natural accident, such as will happen now_and_then ! "

I_gave the matter no further consideration, and at my usual hour retired to bed . here, having placed a candle upon areading stand at_the bed head, and having made an attempt to peruse some pages of_the _Omnipresence of_the Deity_, I unfortunately fell asleep in less_than twenty seconds, leaving the light burning as it_was .

my dreams were terrifically disturbed by visions of_the angel of_the odd .Methought he stood at_the foot of_the couch, drew aside the curtains, and in_the hollow, detestable tones of a rum puncheon, menaced me with_the bitterest vengeance for_the contempt with_which I had treated him . he concluded a long harangue by taking off his funnel-cap, inserting the tube into my gullet, and thus deluging me with an ocean of Kirschenwaesser, which he poured in a continuous flood, from one_of_the long- necked bottles that stood him instead of an arm . my agony was at_length insufferable, and I awoke just in_time to perceive that a rat had run off with_the lighted candle from_the stand, but not in season to_prevent his making his escape with it through_the hole, very_soon a strong, suffocating odor assailed my nostrils; the house, I clearly perceived, was on fire . in_a_few_minutes the blaze broke forth with violence, and in an incredibly brief period the entire building was wrapped in flames . all egress from my chamber, except through a window, was cut off . the crowd, however, quickly procured and raised a long ladder . by_means of_this i_was descending rapidly, and in apparent safety, when a huge hog, about whose rotund stomach, and indeed about whose whole air and physiognomy, there_was something which reminded me of_the angel of_the odd-- when_this hog, I_say, which hitherto had_been quietly slumbering in_the mud, took it suddenly into his head that his left shoulder needed scratching, and could find no more convenient rubbing- post than that afforded by_the foot of_the ladder . in an instant i_was precipitated, and had the misfortune to fracture my arm .

this accident, with_the loss of_my insurance, and with_the more serious loss of_my hair, the whole of_which had_been singed off by_the fire, predisposed me to serious impressions, so_that finally I_made up my mind to_take a wife . there_was a rich widow disconsolate for_the loss of her seventh husband, and to her wounded spirit I offered the balm of_my vows . she yielded a reluctant consent to my prayers .I knelt at her feet in gratitude and adoration . she blushed and bowed her luxuriant tresses into close contact with those supplied me temporarily by Grandjean . I_know not how the entanglement took place but so it_was .I arose with ashining pate, wigless; she in disdain and wrath, half-buried in alien hair . thus ended my hopes of_the widow by an accident which could_not have_been anticipated, to_be_sure, but which the natural sequence of events had brought about .

without despairing, however, I undertook the siege of a less implacable heart . the fates were again propitious for a brief period, but again a trivial incident interfered .Meeting my betrothed in an avenue thronged with_the elite of_the city, i_was hastening to greet her with one of_my best considered bows, when a small particle of some foreign matter lodging in_the corner of_my eye rendered me for_the moment completely blind . before I_could recover my sight, the lady of_my love had disappeared--irreparably affronted at what she chose to consider my premeditated rudeness in passing her by ungreeted . while I stood bewildered at_the suddenness of_this accident ( which might_have happened, nevertheless, to any_one under the sun), and while I still continued incapable of sight, i_was accosted by_the angel of_the odd, who proffered me his aid with a civility which I had no reason to expect . he examined my disordered eye with much gentleness and skill, informed me that I had a drop in_it, and ( whatever a" drop" was) took it out, and afforded me relief .

I now considered it high time to die ( since fortune had so determined to persecute me), and accordingly made my way to_the nearest river . here, divesting myself of_my clothes ( for there_is no reason why we_cannot die as_we were born), I threw myself headlong into_the current; the sole witness of_my fate being a solitary crow that had_been seduced into_the eating of brandy- saturated corn, and so had staggered away from_his fellows . no sooner had I entered the water than this bird took it into his head to fly away with_the most indispensable portion of_my apparel .Postponing, therefore, for_the_present, my suicidal design, I just slipped my nether extremities into_the sleeves of_my coat, and betook myself to a pursuit of_the felon with all the nimbleness which the case required and its circumstances would admit . but my evil destiny attended me still . as I ran at full speed, with my nose up in_the atmosphere, and intent only upon_the purloiner of_my property, I suddenly perceived that my feet rested no longer upon _terra firma_; the fact is, I had thrown myself over a precipice, and should inevitably have_been dashed to pieces but for_my good fortune in grasping the end of a long guide- rope, which depended from apassing balloon .

as_soon_as I sufficiently recovered my senses to comprehend the terrific predicament in_which I stood, or rather hung, I exerted all the power of_my lungs to_make that predicament known to_the aeronaut overhead . but for_a_long_time I exerted myself in vain . either the fool could_not, or the villain would_not perceive me . meanwhile the machine rapidly soared, while my strength even more rapidly failed . i_was soon upon_the point of resigning myself to my fate, and dropping quietly into_the sea, when my spirits were suddenly revived by hearing a hollow voice from above, which seemed to_be lazily humming an opera air . looking up, I perceived the angel of_the odd . he_was leaning, with_his arms folded, over the rim of_the car; and with a pipe in_his mouth, at which he puffed leisurely, seemed to_be upon excellent terms with himself and_the universe . i_was too_much exhausted to_speak, so I merely regarded him with an imploring air .

for several minutes, although he looked me full in_the face, he_said nothing . at_length, removing carefully his meerschaum from_the right to_the left corner of_his mouth, he condescended to_speak .

" who pe you," he asked, "und what der teuffel you pe do dare ? "

to_this piece of impudence, cruelty, and affectation, I_could reply only by ejaculating the monosyllable " help ! "

"Elp ! " echoed the ruffian, " not I . dare iz te pottle--elp yourself, und pe tam'd ! "

with_these words he let fall a heavy bottle of Kirschenwaesser, which, dropping precisely upon_the crown of_my head, caused me to imagine that my brains were entirely knocked out . impressed with_this idea i_was about to relinquish my hold and give up the ghost with a good grace, when i_was arrested by_the cry of_the angel, who bade me hold on .

"' old on ! " he_said: "don't pe in te 'urry--don't . will_you pe take de odder pottle, or 'ave you pe got zober yet, and come to your zenzes ? "

I_made haste, hereupon, to nod my head twice-- once in_the negative, meaning thereby that i_would prefer not taking the other bottle at present; and once in_the affirmative, intending thus to imply that I _was sober and had positively come to my senses . by_these means I somewhat softened the angel .

"Und you pelief, ten," he inquired, " at te last ? you pelief, ten, in te possibility of te odd ? "

I again nodded my head in assent .

"Und you ave pelief in me_, te angel of te odd ? "

I nodded again .

"Und you acknowledge tat you pe te blind dronk und te vool ? "

I nodded once more .

" put your right hand into your left preeches pocket, ten, in token ov your vull zubmizzion unto te angel ov te odd ."

this thing, for very obvious reasons, I_found it quite impossible to_do . in_the first place, my left arm had_been broken in my fall from_the ladder, and therefore, had I let go my hold with_the right hand I_must_have let go altogether . in_the second place, I_could_have no breeches until I_came across the crow . i_was therefore obliged, much to my regret, to shake my head in_the negative, intending thus to_give the angel to understand that I_found it inconvenient, just at_that moment, to comply with_his very reasonable demand ! no sooner, however, had I ceased shaking my head than--

" go to der teuffel, ten ! " roared the angel of_the odd .

in pronouncing these words he drew a sharp knife across the guide- rope by_which i_was suspended, and as_we then happened to_be precisely over my own house ( which, during my peregrinations, had_been handsomely rebuilt), it so occurred that I tumbled headlong down the ample chimney and alit upon_the dining- room hearth .

upon coming to my senses ( for_the fall had very thoroughly stunned me) I_found it about four o'clock in_the morning .I lay outstretched where I had fallen from_the balloon . my head groveled in_the ashes of an extinguished fire, while my feet reposed upon_the wreck of a small table, overthrown, and amid the fragments of a miscellaneous dessert, intermingled with a newspaper, some broken glasses and shattered bottles, and an empty jug of_the Schiedam Kirschenwaesser . thus revenged himself the angel of_the odd .