about Smells

by mark twain

in a recent issue of_the " independent," the Rev .T .De Witt Talmage, of Brooklyn, has_the following utterance on_the_subject of "Smells":

I_have a good Christian friend who, if he sat in_the front pew in church, and aworking man should enter the door at_the other end, would smell him instantly . my friend is_not to blame for_the sensitiveness of_his nose, any more than you_would flog a pointer for being keener on_the scent than a stupid watch dog . the fact is, if_you, had all the churches free, by reason of_the mixing up of_the common people with_the uncommon, you_would keep one- half of Christendom sick at their stomach . if_you_are going to kill the church thus with bad smells, i_will_have nothing to_do with_this work of evangelization .

we_have reason to_believe that there_will_be labouring men in heaven; and also a number of negroes, and Esquimaux, and Terra del Fuegans, and Arabs, and a few Indians, and possibly even some Spaniards and Portuguese . all things are possible with god . we_shall_have all these sorts of people in heaven; but, alas ! in getting them we_shall lose the society of Dr .Talmage . which_is to_say, we_shall lose the company of one who_could give more real " tone" to celestial society than any_other contribution Brooklyn could furnish . and what would eternal happiness be without the doctor ? blissful, unquestionably-- we_know that well enough but would it be 'distingue,' would it be ' recherche' without him ? St . Matthew without stockings or sandals; St .Jerome bare headed, and with a coarse brown blanket robe dragging the ground; St .Sebastian with scarcely any raiment at all-- these we should_see, and should enjoy seeing them; but would we not miss a spike- tailed coat and kids, and turn away regretfully, and say to parties from_the orient: " these are well enough, but you ought to_see Talmage of Brooklyn ." I_fear me that in_the better world we_shall_not even have Dr .Talmage's " good Christian friend ."

for if he were sitting under the glory of_the throne, and_the keeper of_the keys admitted a Benjamin Franklin or other labouring man, that " friend," with_his fine natural powers infinitely augmented by emancipation from hampering flesh, would detect him with a single sniff, and immediately take his hat and ask to_be excused .

to all outward seeming, the Rev .T .De Witt Talmage is of_the same material as_that used in_the construction of_his early predecessors in_the ministry; and yet one feels that there_must_be a difference somewhere between him and_the Saviour's first disciples . it may_be because here, in_the nineteenth century, Dr .T . has had advantages which Paul and Peter and_the others could_not and did_not have . there_was a lack of polish about_them, and a looseness of etiquette, and a want of exclusiveness, which one cannot help noticing . they healed the very beggars, and held intercourse with people of a villainous odour every day . if_the subject of_these remarks had_been chosen among_the original Twelve Apostles, he_would_not have associated with_the rest, because he_could_not have stood the fishy smell of some of_his comrades who came from around the sea of Galilee . he_would_have resigned his commission with some such remark as he makes in_the extract quoted above: " master, if thou art going to kill the church thus with bad smells, i_will_have nothing to_do with_this work of evangelization ." he_is a disciple, and makes that remark to_the master; the only difference is, that he makes it in_the nineteenth instead of_the first century .

is_there a choir in Mr T .'s church ? and does it ever occur that they_have no better manners than to sing that hymn which_is so suggestive of labourers and mechanics:

" son of_the carpenter ! receive this humble work of_mine ? "

now, can it be possible that in a handful of centuries the Christian character has fallen away from an imposing heroism that scorned even the stake, the cross, and_the axe, to a poor little effeminacy that withers and wilts under an unsavoury smell ? we_are_not prepared to_believe so, the reverend doctor and_his friend to_the contrary notwithstanding .